Sobering global #MeToo outcomes show why gender equality will take 4-20 generations By: Dr. Kathleen Brush

Hollywood actresses emboldened to share #MeToo stories that haunted their lives inspired a global movement. Women all over the world joined in, and for many or most, their lives got worse, sometimes a lot worse. #MeToo inadvertently revealed why gender equality is estimated to arrive in the 24 th century in the United States and the 27th century in Iran.

Sometimes women used #MeToo and sometimes they created new hashtags. In Japan, many #MeTooers were shamed to a point that was seen as dangerous. Japanese women switched to #Wetoo and #Withyou to show support for the movement.

At first, government censors in China kept a lid on #MeToo. Undeterred women began using virtual private networks. #MeToo was labeled as a hostile force using Western feminism to interfere with the government. Some #MeTooers believed their lives were in danger. Minimally some were in danger of being sued. In China, more accused sue than victims, and they often win. Male-dominated judiciaries can be very powerful for reinforcing the status quo that silent women are better off.

In South Korea, women filing lawsuits alleging sexual assault have faced shaming and taunting as gold diggers. The message sent was the real victims are men. In Slovenia, #jaztudi took a more cautionary route to protect alleged victims. Stories were posted anonymously by an NGO. Instead of women facing threats, the NGO has.

In Latin America, women tired of violence, which too commonly takes the deadly form of femicide, launched #NiUnoMenos, which means not one less. Peru’s highest religious leader, Cardinal Juan Luis Cipriani, said, “[They tell us] there are many abortions among young girls, but nobody has abused these girls. Often it is women who put themselves on display, provoking men.” Another response: well-known women supporting #NiUnoMenos have been murdered.

Russian #MeTooers have not been murdered, but murder inspired a Russian #MeToo-type movement #янехотелаумирать, which means I didn’t want to die. According to the Russian government, at least 12,000 women die from domestic violence every year. What’s being done about it? In 2017 Russian President Putin signed a law, originally proposed by a female legislator, that decriminalized violence against women unless it is so severe, they require treatment in a hospital. Regarding #MeToo, Putin said he doesn’t support the movement, and like the Chinese alludes to a western conspiracy. In Russia, there is a saying, “if he beats you, it means he loves you.”

France shared something in common with Russia; influential women opposed to the premises of #MeToo, or in France #balancetonporc which means squeal on your pig. Hollywood icon, Catherine Denueve and others saw #MeToo as a puritanical movement, and men sexually pestering women as "essential to sexual freedom." France obviously sees issues of sexual harassment and abuse differently. In 2020, highly feted “literary genius” Gabriel Matzneff found his acclaimed writings about sex with young girls were being re-examined. Millions around the world responded in disbelief asking how this could happen? Perhaps, it’s because a previous open challenge to Matzneff’s sexual deviance was rebuffed. How can a nation hailed as a leader in gender equality not protect young girls from sexual abuse?

In sub-Saharan Africa, according to the UN, violence against women is second to Latin America. Here #MeToo barely made inroads. Equal rights advocates suggested the fear of backlash was too high. In India, women in Bollywood joined the #MeToo movement, but lawsuits against alleged victims, exoneration of perps, and men battling back against false complaints drowned out #Metooers. False complaints are a tiny fraction of accusations everywhere, but they have become a potent weapon in the arsenal of men to silence women seeking equal rights. Outside Bollywood, Indian women have stayed silent for two reasons that are similar to reasons in sub-Saharan Africa. It’s a better alternative and many females (and males), sometimes most, see intimate partner violence (IPV) as justified in some situations, like burning dinner, or refusing sex.

#MeToo didn’t gain traction in small Pacific island nations. One reason is, because here too there is a widespread belief that IPV as justified. The problem, or not, depending on your view, is not, limited to intimates. One study found 27% of men in Papua New Guinea admitted to raping a female non-partner, and 14% admitted to multiple rapes of female non-partners. In neighboring Australia, #MeToo had problems catching on. Some pointed to strong anti- defamation laws as the reason. In one case an Australian actor won more than a $600,000 in an anti-defamation suit. That would be enough to cool the heels of any media source or alleged victim going public with a story.

In some Muslim-majority countries, estimates for gender equality reach 20 generations or 500 years. Iran is a 500 year-to-equality country. Iranian women have struggled with #MeToo because they are up against a government that insists Islamic traditions prevent harassment. But interviews with unnamed women in Iran disagree. “If you ask 10 women about this, nine of them will say, yes, they have suffered harassment.” There is a correlation between gender equality and IPV, which would indicate that this 9 of 10 might not be far off in a 500 year-to- equality country. Laws passed in some Muslim countries are often unenforceable because they violate religious laws. Under sharia law, there is no marital rape, and a husband can justifiably beat a disobedient wife. For unmarried intimates, sexual harassment and assault are not illegal. Sex out of wedlock is what is illegal. An unmarried intimate reporting rape would be self- reporting a crime, so would a non-intimate without four witnesses. Being illegal is anyway a technicality that the potential global population of #MeTooers knows too well. In the United States, 1% of victims will see perpetrators jailed.

Religious institutions like political institutions are male-dominated, and their leaders often see women creating their own problems. In 2018, authorities in Thailand warned women “not to dress too sexily” during the New Year holiday. The thinking was if women get sexually harassed, it’s their fault for dressing like sluts. Thai women created #Donttellmehowtodress, which has been adopted in other parts of the world. Another Thai movement has been launched to teach women about consent in a culture where men don’t ask, because it seems apparent that they don’t need to. Around the world, girls don’t know there are age-of-consent laws that range from 9 to 21. But should a 50-year old man, like Matzeff, be free to have sex with a fourteen, let alone nine-year-old girl, because she said yes? In male-dominated governments, that’s not for women to decide.

There is plenty of evidence that very powerful political men can see nothing wrong with sexual harassment. The president of the Philippines, President Duterte’s regular sexist comments spawned #BabaeAko, which translates into #Iamwoman. Duterte has made jokes about rape and referred to a second wife as a “spare tyre” in the trunk of his car. What hope do women in the Philippines have to escape the most heinous form of discrimination if the leader of their country perpetuates the notion of women as men’s sexual playthings?

US President Donald Trump was a catalyst for #MeToo. Like Duterte, online logs are kept of his sexist comments. In office, they haven’t been as crude, but that’s a tempered outcome similar to the evolution of #MeToo in the United States. In the US, #MeToo has tempered sexual harassment but increased gender harassment. For victims the results are similar: the ambitions of degraded women decreases and many leave the workforce. Who leaves? Not sure, but senior women face higher levels of harassment. They are, after all, the ones that pose the greatest threat to male-dominated institutions.

#MeToo challenged powerful men all over the world, and they have responded to let women know that power in this world is securely in the hands of men, and they won’t be letting go anytime soon. Sexual harassment and abuse has been and continues to cement the inferior position of women in society. Harassment and abuse isn’t about sex; it’s about keeping women subordinated all over the world. Gender discrimination is blind to color, religion and wealth. The latter simply causes biases to change forms, and to offer legal remedies that are more likely to haunt victims than deliver justice.

Without generating global outrage that compels lawmakers and business leaders to address a scourge on half the world, harassment and abuse will continue to reinforce gender inequality. The estimates of 4-20 generations to equality and a global survey of #MeToo outcomes reinforce this won’t happen anytime soon. Women fear reporting acts of sexual violence, females have been raised to see it as justified, male political leaders promote women as sex toys, handfuls of falsely accused men drowned out millions of female victims, incidents are censored or swept under the carpet. When allegations are formalized, judiciaries send unsupportive messages.

There are other problems too. In many governments, data is not reported because the actions are not illegal. Where it is illegal, data can be censored, unprioritized, or used for purposes that obviously aren’t having much of an impact. The World Economic Forum produces the gold standard for measuring global gender equality, but it doesn’t find the most blatant and egregious form of gender discrimination relevant to evaluating equality. There is an adage that what gets measured, gets improved. If NGOs tracking gender equality don’t see a problem and neither do male-dominated governments, there is a problem without a solution. We certainly can’t rely on female heads of government. Today there are fourteen (7% of countries), up from one, fifty- eight years ago. But, even females as heads of government doesn’t automatically mean progress for women. A forecast for gender equality spanning centuries makes sense. The bigger question is, how do we bring this forward? More senior women leaders that accept part of their charge as ending gender discrimination could work.

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"What If I Find It Difficult To Trust My Spouse" by Shannon Eldridge

I’ll never forget the sound of Tonya sobbing uncontrollably over the telephone as we talked about the many ways she was driving her husband (and herself!) nuts. She would intercept every magazine that came in the mail and cut out every picture of any woman whom she perceived as even possibly “prettier” than her. When I asked her why she felt that need, at first her reply was, “Isn’t it my responsibility to keep my husband from lusting after other women?”

“No, Tonya, it’s not your responsibility. You can’t control anyone but yourself, and your husband can’t be controlled by anyone other than himself. You realize that, right?” I inquired.
“I guess, but I still feel as if I have to control his environment. When we’re at dinner parties, if he leaves the table to go to the bathroom, I go to the bathroom too, just in case there’s some other woman along the way that wants to try to talk to him,” she confessed.
“How does your husband feel about you following him to the bathroom?” I asked.
Tonya admitted that it probably drives him crazy, and that the fact she would even feel the need to do such a thing drove her crazy too. We talked quite a while longer about the great lengths she would go to in order to “control his environment.” Basically, this guy didn’t make a move without his wife knowing about it. And both were panicked over what it might mean if any of her suspicions were ever confirmed.

“Have you ever heard of a ‘self-fulfilling prophecy,’ Tonya?” I asked, going on to explain that sometimes we create the very behavior in someone else that we are trying so desperately to control, simply by being so controlling. When someone gets the message loud and clear, “I don’t trust you. I can’t trust you!” then guess what? They begin to believe it themselves. They are brainwashed by their own spouse into thinking, “I’m untrustworthy.” So then they simply act in accordance with what they believe about themselves. We can create the very unstable relationship that we fear most—all because of our own insecurities!

Truth be told, I’ve talked with numerous “Tonyas” in my life-coaching practice, as well as many “Toms” (the male version). Their tactics have included:
• Forcing their spouses to go to counseling in spite of their unwillingness to do so, sometimes to deal with issues that only exist in their own heads.
• Following their cars to see if they go where they said they were going after work.
• Stalking Facebook pages, text messages, e-mails, etc.
• Privately asking their spouses’ coworkers to comment on his/her office behavior.
• Enlisting a friend to “spy” on them at the fitness center, or worse, to even pretend to flirt with them simply to see how they’d respond.

My best advice to anyone who feels compelled to go to such great lengths to “follow up” on a spouse’s faithfulness or “set a trap” to catch him or her in the act—professional help is definitely needed, but you may be more in need of it than your spouse! And if you indeed discover that there is an issue that warrants your concern, I hope you’ll both get counseling rather than just expecting your spouse to deal with his or her issue alone. It takes two to tango in any dysfunctional relationship dance.

Marlene has experienced both extremes – being externally motivated by a controlling husband, and being internally motivated thanks to a trusting husband. She shares these words of warning and encouragement:

“I’ve traveled for business on a regular basis for the last twelve years. The first five of those years I was in a controlling, manipulative marriage where I was expected to phone at a certain time each day, my suitcase was scrutinized to see what I was packing and if I had a bathing suit with me. I would do laps in the hotel’s pool, but the interpretation was that I was trolling for men. I was grilled on who I met with, whether they were male o female, what I wore . . . you get the idea.

“The behavior certainly didn’t motivate me to honor his demands and, in fact, did become a self-fulfilling prophecy, eventually leading me into an extra-marital affair. Don’t misunderstand—I’m not saying my husband’s actions were responsible for my affair. Clearly that was a choice I made myself, out of low self-esteem and a need to find affirmation. I contrast those first five years with the past two years since I’ve remarried and I’m so grateful that my new husband gives me the benefit of the doubt. I’m highly motivated to let him know I arrived safely somewhere and to text him throughout the day to let him know how things are going. He trusts me completely and, as a result, I respond in kind and honor his trust. The responses the two different behaviors elicit are night and day. Everyone needs to understand that negative actions result in negative responses.”

Do you have this kind of unwavering trust in your marriage, or might there be some “self-fulfilling prophecies” in the making? If the latter is a truer statement, what do you think your own relational insecurities communicate to your mate—1) I have a high enough self-esteem to expect my spouse to be fully committed to me, or 2) I have such a low self-esteem that I automatically assume that no one would ever be faithful to someone like me? Your answer to that question will most likely reveal a lot more about yourself than it does about your spouse.
Before you let your own personal insecurities ooze out and ruin the very fibers of your relational rug, consider taking the high road. See if you’re able to make the following declarations to your spouse:

• I believe in you 100 percent and I trust you completely.
• Although you’re a fallible human being, I know your conscience will be your guide. I trust you have the Holy Spirit guiding you.
• I don’t feel the need to go behind your back to check up on you, and that feels really good.
• If I have any concerns about your marital faithfulness, I will ask you with complete confidence that you will be honest with me, regardless of what the answer may be.
• As we continue “putting all of our emotional eggs in each other’s baskets” from day to day, I have no doubt that you’ll treat my heart as carefully as I will treat yours.

Always remember that a person is innocent until proven guilty, and keep your personal insecurities in check as your own issues to deal with, rather than turning the tables and letting them evolve into relational poison. And as you put this kind of stock in your spouse’s character and integrity, I believe that it will yield a tremendous amount of compound interest! Your spouse will undoubtedly want to rise to the occasion and prove incredibly worthy of your trust.

God, please show me how to inspire rather than require sexual integrity from my spouse such that I never create a “self-fulfilling prophecy.” Help us trust one another completely, or at least trust the Holy Spirit inside one another. Help us to be as faithful to each other as You are to us.

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"The Rules for One Night Stands" byline: Melinda Gallagher, M.A., and Emily Scarlet Kramer

The number-one piece of advice women give to each other is to know yourself and the context, and be sure of what you want. Set boundaries on one-night stands, boundaries that are both emotional and physical. To have a good casual encounter, you have to protect and assert your own needs, along with respecting what your partner wants. 

After all, what's the point of getting down if it doesn't feel good? If we could be assured that our orgasm would be a priority, then it would seem that casual sex encounters would look a lot more attractive to a lot more of us. A sexy smile can last only so long, and once the romp begins, we are looking for the skills to match our attraction. 

During her first one-night stand, Jennifer (24) hit the jackpot. It was the holidays and most of her college friends were out of town. All alone in the big city, she decided it would be fun to hit one of her favorite wine bars for her first solo bar experience. After a few glasses of wine, she strolled over to a group of five men who had just come in after work. Feeling confident and independent, she decided she would try going home with a stranger for the first time. After about an hour of speaking to one guy whom she was particularly attracted to and felt comfortable with, she asked him if he'd like to leave with her. He responded by grabbing her arm and pulling her out the door. 

Without exchanging names or any personal information, they got in a cab and drove uptown to his apartment. Once inside, he slowly undressed her and laid her on his bed, then took his clothes off. He was a very good partner: He was verbal, which she found terribly exciting, and was careful to take his time, making sure she was sated. Jennifer swears he went down on her more than ten times. After their romp had concluded, she got dressed and slipped back into the night, feeling just a bit guilty because he kept asking her to stay. The next morning, she still couldn't believe what had happened. She never would have imagined something like that was within her command. 

Unfortunately, we may not all be lucky enough to come upon a partner with mad skills. Frankly speaking, many men do not know their way around female pleasure, and in the case of an unfamiliar body are either clueless or careless. This is when we have to take matters into our own hands. It's up to us to let the new boy on the block know exactly what we need, even if he's going to be around for just one night. Casual sex can be an opportunity to demand that male partners get with the equality program by putting our orgasm on the same level as theirs. 

Copyright © 2005 Melinda Gallagher, M.A., and Emily Scarlet Kramer

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"Reclaiming Genital Dryness: Because Men Have Options, and Women Deserve Them, Too" By Lauren Streicher, MD

You’ve, no doubt, heard the term “erectile dysfunction” or “ED.” But what you may not realize is that this term was popularized as part of a marketing campaign—not by doctors.

Prior to 1998, men who were unable to maintain an erection suffered from “impotency,” a diagnosis that implies weakness and powerlessness. A guy who was impotent didn’t just have a medical problem; he was also a personal failure. And no way was he going to make an appointment to discuss his impotency with his medical doctor. Suddenly, in 1998, the impotent man disappeared, and the man with ED emerged. This man was handsome, successful and sexy.

So who spread this new, mighty term? It was the people who had the most to gain from men admitting they had a problem: the inventors of Viagra. Pfize launched Viagra and at the same time launched a genius marketing campaign that redefined impotency as erectile dysfunction. The condition was not only normalized, but it gave men the language to talk to their doctors about it so they could comfortably ask for a prescription.

And for every man who suffers from erectile dysfunction, there is a woman who suffers from vaginal atrophy. Women with vaginal atrophy as a result of hormonal changes that occur during the transition to menopause have vaginal walls that are so thin and dry that intercourse is either excruciatin painful, or impossible. The condition is just as common as erectile dysfunction. But no one is talking about it, and most women are not getting treated for it even though there are many excellent options to alleviate the problem.

But, like men who are impotent, no women (even if they are familiar with the term) wants to have vaginal atrophy! But for the 50 million women who have vaginal atrophy and have lost the ability to have pleasurable, slippery sex, I have a solution. My version of ED for the women.

Introducing ‘GD’

Instead of having the use the term “vaginal atrophy” (which no one knows, can remember, or wants to say). I would like to introduce a new term to describe the changes that occur not only around the time of menopause, but from a number of medical conditions as well.

GD stands for “genital dryness.” Your doctor will not know the term GD, (no yet, anyway), but they will understand what you mean when you say you have “genital dryness” and you need a solution.

Thin dry vaginal and vulvar tissues affects 40% of postmenopausal women. But it’s not just midlife or older women that suffer from this problem. There are a number of other circumstances that can reduce natural lubrication in any age woman such as post partum and nursing mothers, hormonal contraception, women being treated for cancer with chemotherapy or radiation and medications such as anti-histamines, decongestants or tamoxifene.

The guys have it a little easier since most ED can be solved with a pill. GD isn’t always so straightforward, but you do have options:

1. Lubrication is key. The right vaginal lubricant is an essential ingredient for turning “sandpaper sex” into slippery sex. Most drug stores have a dizzying selection of lubricants, but almost all are water based. While readily available and inexpensive, most water-based lubricants are gloppy, sticky and contain a propylene glycol preservative, which can be irritating. Silicone lubricants, on the other hand, are more slippery, last much longer and are non-irritating.

2. Moisturizers are not just for your face. A lubricant is to be used at the time of intercourse to reduce friction. Lubricants do not alter vaginal tissues; they just make them more slippery. A long acting moisturizer, on the other hand, is intended to change the water content of the tissue (hence “moisturizer”) resulting in tissues that are more elastic, thicker, and with enhanced ability to produce fluid, that will in turn reduce friction.

3. Estrogen is not the enemy. It would be nice if lubricants or moisturizers always solved the problem, but sometimes the ravages of menopause make the vaginal walls so thin and dry, that the only way to reverse the vaginal clock and make intercourse comfortable is estrogen. I know…estrogen. Everyone thinks breast cancer, blood clots, bad stuff. Keep in mind that the FDA required warnings and complications listed on the package insert have never been shown to occur as a result of using a local vaginal estrogen product. All vaginal estrogen products improve the thickness, elasticity and lubrication of your tissue. Personal preference, ease of use and convenience (not to mention what your insurance covers) dictate which product you choose. Currently, there are three types of prescription vaginal estrogen products: creams, a vaginal tablet, and a vaginal ring.

Every woman should come up with an individual plan with the help of her doctor. But, most important is that women take a page from the man with ED’s playbook and stop being ashamed.

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"Men and Women Cheat For Entirely Different Reasons" byline: Ruth Houston

The latest infidelity studies indicate that percentage-wise the gap is closing between cheating husbands in comparison to the percentage of cheating wives. However, even though more men are now becoming victims of infidelity, the fact still remains that 70% of infidelity victims are women. What's interesting though, is that men and women who are cheating on their spouses give different reasons to justify their extramarital affairs. 

The Top Reasons Men and Women Cheat

The top 3 reasons men cheat all relate to sex. However sex is not usually the motivating factor for cheating wives. The top 3 reasons women cheat relate to unmet emotional needs or a desire for attention. Listed below are the most common reasons cheating husbands and cheating wives use to justify their extramarital affairs:

Why Men Cheat

The most frequently cited reasons for infidelity among men include
1. more sex (the desire for a more active sex life)
2. sexual variety (a desire for different kinds of sex)
3. opportunistic sex ( taking advantage of an opportunity to have sex without the fear of getting caught)
4. to satisfy sexual curiosity (about a specific female)
5. a feeling of entitlement (the belief that it's a man's prerogative to cheat)
6. the "thrill of the chase"
7. the desire to feel important or special
8. sexual addiction

Why Women Cheat

The reasons most frequently cited for female infidelity include
1. a desire for emotional closeness and intimacy (someone caring to confide in and bond with on an emotional level)
2. a desire for attention (wanting be the center of a man's attention again)
3. to reaffirm her desirability (To feel validated as a woman)
4. to re-experience feelings of romance
5. a desire to feel "special"
6. boredom
7. loneliness
8. sexual excitement

Men Cheat for Sexual Reasons, Women Cheat for Emotional Reasons

Granted, these are not the only reasons men and women cheat. There are other reasons as well. But the bottom line is that men are cheating on their wives primarily for sexual reasons, while women are cheating on their husbands mainly for emotional reasons. However, these are the reasons most frequently given by cheating husbands and cheating wives who are willing to discuss their extramarital affairs.

Numerous studies on infidelity bear that out. In one study, 75% to 80% of the men who admitted to having extramarital affairs said that sex was the primary reason. Only 20% of the women who were having extramarital affairs said they did so for purely sexual reasons. 

How More Marriages Could be Saved

The most amazing thing about the studies is that the majority of infidelity victims (70% of married women and 54% of married men) have no idea their spouse is having an extramarital affair. In another study, 60% of the people who admitted that they were cheating, said their partner did not know about their affair. This leads me to conclude that if more people knew how to recognize the warning signs of infidelity, more marriages could be saved. After all, the first step to solving a problem is knowing that the problem exists. 

© 2005 Ruth Houston

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"Is Your Marriage Ripe for an Affair?" byline: Arleah and Morrie Shechtman

Five Surprising Warning Signs What drives peoples to infidelity may surprise you. Selfless devotion is at the top of the list.

Quick, answer this question with the first thing that comes to mind: If you were worried that your spouse might stray, what would you do to prevent it? Maybe your knee-jerk response is: "I'd lose 20 pounds and upgrade my wardrobe." Or, "I would shower my spouse with expensive gifts." Or, "I would be extra attentive to my spouse so she would realize how good she has it." If your answer resembled any of those above, bad news: You're on the wrong track. You've bought into a common misconception about what causes affairs in the first place. 

Most people assume that people have affairs with someone more attractive, sexier, or richer than their spouse. Despite the clichés-the mid-life crisis situation where the husband runs off with his much younger secretary, for instance-that's not what infidelity is about. People who cheat generally choose someone busier and more goal-oriented than their current partner. Someone more interesting, in other words.

That's right. The harsh truth is that when one spouse strays, it's probably because the other spouse has become, well . . . boring. So your focus on your appearance or your desperate attempts to please your partner completely miss the point. 

Here are a few warning signs that your marriage may be ripe for an affair:

1. You don't challenge each other. Unconditional acceptance is a myth. Healthy marriages require a mutual willingness to challenge and be challenged. An "Oh, I'll let the little woman do whatever makes her happy" attitude is condescending and harmful. If your partner lounges around in her bathrobe watching TV every day and you say nothing, then you're not invested in her well-being. Maybe she's depressed. Maybe she's sick. Maybe she's succumbing to laziness. Regardless, the message that she gets loud and clear from your silence is that you don't care. Not only do you have the right to make reasonable demands on your partner, you have the obligation to do so.

2. You and your partner have become an amoeba. Getting married does not mean morphing into a single person with the same interests, hobbies, and friends. If you and your spouse do everything together, something's wrong. If your partner is not allowed to have a life of her own, she will eventually become resentful. Similarly, if you're over-interested in her life, wanting to know or be involved in every detail, she will feel intruded upon and smothered. True intimacy requires two people having independent lives, not two people living through each other. The best marriages are low-maintenance marriages.

3. One person selflessly lives for the other. Shechtman likes to tell the story of Bernard, a heart surgeon, and Stacy, the wife who selflessly devoted herself to him. She supported him through medical school. She stayed home and raised his kids. She prepared gourmet meals for him, often complete with heart-shaped ice cubes. And one day Bernard left Stacy for a disheveled photojournalist, two years his senior, who chastised him for stealing a cab she'd just hailed. Why? Because the photojournalist was interesting. Selfless devotion is boring. Bernard could have hired a housekeeper and a caterer. Gratitude for services rendered is no replacement for a stimulating partner. And by failing to cultivate a life of her own, Stacy deprived Bernard of that.

4. Everything centers on your children. It's easy to succumb to the temptation to make your kids the center of the universe. Don't. For too many parents, running kids to and from soccer practice, dance lessons, and weekend parties becomes an insidious dance of intimacy avoidance. When you are reduced to being little more than an appointment secretary or a taxicab for your children, there's precious little time to develop an identity, a life, of your own. Remember, children are temporary. One day they will grow up and leave and your marriage will still be there. More to the point, you'll still be there. So devote at least as much energy to your personal growth as you do to the social life of your kids. 

5. You don't have meaningful conversations with your spouse. Does the question, "How was your day?" unleash a monologue, a laundry list of activities, or a cacophony of complaints from you or your partner? If so, you're missing the point of communication. Quality communication is the heart of intimacy. (And you thought it was sex!) If you're confused about what constitutes a high-intimacy dialogue, here's a clue: It centers on feelings, not information. Instead of merely reporting to your partner what happened to you that day, tell her how it made you feel. Even if you have only ten minutes a day to talk to her, make those ten minutes count.

Interestingly, most of these warning signs are variations on a common theme: abandonment. If you don't care enough to become an interesting partner, if you don't challenge your spouse to "be all he can be," if you fail to connect with your partner emotionally, you might as well be a disinterested roommate. Abandoning your spouse is the first step to checking out of the relationship.

So what can you do to affair-proof your marriage? The answer can be summed up in three little words: Get a life. 

Set goals and work toward them. Immerse yourself in a career or activity that interests you. Don't just hop from one random activity to another. Have a vision of what you want your life to be and do something every day in pursuit of that vision. Take some risks. And challenge your spouse to do the same. Even if it causes some temporary discomfort, remember that a healthy marriage isn't about comfort zones and status quos. If you settle for comfort, your marriage will die.

There's one other point I would make. Create a rich, rewarding life for yourself and if your spouse did have an affair and ultimately leave you, you would be well-equipped to cope. Interesting people just have more resources, be they money, social connections, or potential new romantic partners. There are no guarantees in marriage. The only person you can count on to always be there is you. Being abandoned by a spouse is far preferable to abandoning yourself. 

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"Five Solutions for Surviving the Empty Nest Syndrome" byline: Dr. Kathleen Hall

Did you know that empty nest syndrome occurs most often in October, well after children have left for college? When the children leave home, parents may feel sadness, loneliness, emptiness, guilt, and uselessness. 

Does this situation sound familiar? Waving goodbye to your last child, you begin the long drive home. The reality of your empty nest sets in during the next few weeks. Your decades-old primary role of "mom" or "dad" has been instantly eliminated, creating the most disturbing identity theft of your life. Your life has essentially revolved around your children's busy lives. Now the busy years are over. You have invested so much time with your children that when your last child leaves the nest, you don't know how to deal with a household of two. You look at your partner and wonder who he or she is. At home you mechanically open the refrigerator to prepare dinner and find that it's nearly empty. The years of shopping for the special treats each child enjoyed are over. Now the refrigerator is bare and in your confusion, you don't know what to buy at the grocery store either.

How can you put your life back together and learn to cope with the stress of empty nest syndrome? Ignoring the problem is not the answer. Check out these solutions designed to get you back on track toward the next chapter of your life.

Solution #1 Be proactive not reactive. 
Prepare for the feelings before they come. Learn to experience a sense of power and control in your own life. By facing the situation straight on without compromising your feelings, you choose not to avoid the pain, the confusion, and change, but to deal with it in a healthy way. This is a time of adventure, discovery and creativity.

Solution #2 Use loneliness as an opportunity to develop your Self. 
Now that the children are gone, there are only two of you in the house. But don't be alarmed! This is how you began this family all those years ago. Make a date with your husband once a week that takes place outside of the house. Play music in the background each day, be creative with your talents and abilities, and find a reason to laugh each day. It only takes five minutes of laughter to improve blood-vessel function! 

Studies also show that pet ownership lowers blood pressure and cholesterol, not to mention your health insurance rates! Sharing your new empty nest with a four-footed friend can also ward off depression. Enroll in that cooking class or pottery seminar you always wanted to take. Read the books you have been putting off for years. Enrich your mind by attending a classical music concert or a lecture. What about a career change or volunteer work? You will meet new people that will change your life. 

There are countless ways you can develop your Self when your kids leave the nest. Make sure you have a group of friends to support you in this transformation of your life. 

Solution #3 Choose crisis or rebirth. 
The empty nest period can become a crisis or a glorious time of rebirth. Honest self-evaluation and assessment is the first step on that path toward rebirth. Conduct a simple inventory of your life: mental, physical and spiritual.
· Get a journal and start writing. Answer these questions: What is the state of my mental health? Do I live with anxiety, depression, anger, fear, or shame? Can I improve my mental health by reading, joining a group or seeing a counselor? Get a therapist and enjoy the personal growth. 
· Take off your clothes and stand naked before the mirror. What do you see? How do you feel? Do you need to begin a different exercise program or learn more about nutrition? Try something new like Pilates, Tai Chi, or Yoga. Are there medical tests you have been putting off? Are you taking a multi-vitamin, drinking green tea and avoiding unhealthy foods? 
· Ask yourself about your spiritual life. Are you regularly experiencing a deep connection with your Source? If not, why not? Have you outgrown your religion or church? Should you learn about other theologies? Are there spiritual practices that you do each day to stay connected?

Solution #4 Create a new marriage for your new life. 
Many marriages are frail or fractured at empty nest. During the empty nest phase, the divorce rate rises 16 percent for married parents. The empty nest, however, can be an once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to create a true "love nest." 

Plan a vacation to someplace you have always wanted to go together. Learn what each of you like and dislike-movies, food, programs, vacation spots, sports, spirituality and religion. Review the home chores, list them all, and make a fresh decision about who will do what in this new marriage. My husband now does the laundry, vacuuming, dishes and has begun cooking! Get to know each other all over again.

With no children in the house, you can play again. Shower together, watch movies on the couch in sexy clothes, wear even less around the house and see what happens. Sex can become the best ever during the empty nest. Have sex in more than just the bedroom! 

Solution #5 Live Your Intentional Authentic Life.
The empty nest is an opportunity for you to spend the rest of your days living your intentional authentic life. Your other roles in life have taken a back seat to "your life." Begin an exciting plan for the rest of your life. How long do you both want to work? Where do you want to reside in retirement? Where do you want to travel? What will your financial needs be for both of you? Discover how you can create the rest of your life organized around the purpose you were born-"your authentic life."

Our family of origin is an incredible gift. Families can be the most fertile place for spiritual development, the catalyst for our growth potential. When your children leave the nest, this spiritual process does not have to end. Rather it can serve to create the happiest and richest time of your life. This is your life, and you can choose to plan a new life beyond your wildest dreams. Live intentionally.

Buy her Book NOW!!! Alter Your Life: Overbooked? Overworked? Overwhelmed?

"Boomers & Dating" byline: Terri Sloane

This is a great time to be single. It's now your turn to choose the kind of companion who would be right for you. The choice is YOURS. Although chemistry is still a very important component in a relationship, it is not everything. Our inner being needs to be nourished through compassion, kindness, laughter, and sharing things in common. It's a time when we can make a CONSCIOUS CHOICE as to the kind of person we want to share our time with.

The best way to attract the kind of person you are seeking is to engage in activities that attract that kind of person. For example, if you want an exciting active man, be an exciting active woman. Go where the men would go. One of my clients wanted to meet a man who owned his own plane. She enjoyed the excitement of flying, so I suggested she take flying lessons. It turned out that a very attractive man who owned his own plane had to take continuing hours for his pilot license. They met at the airport and the rest is history. She has a newfound passion, "flying" as well as the kind of man she was seeking.

I'm not suggesting that you take flying lessons, however, I do know if you enjoy what your doing, and think outside of the box, a world of new opportunities awaits you. Who knows??? Maybe you should go on the safari you were talking about this past summer. Even if you don't meet "Mr. Right" you'll meet exciting new interesting people and have some very wonderful stories to share. Who knows??? Maybe the man that you want is looking for an exciting woman. Something to think about, isn't it?????©

"BANG, BANG " Choose your Target byline: Melinda Gallagher, M.A., and Emily Scarlet Kramer

While it's still a serious matter, and maybe the most important choice you will make all day, choosing a casual-encounter partner is, well, more casual than choosing a long-term lover. You don't have to worry about whether you'd want his toothbrush on your sink, whether you'd have to bring him home to meet your parents, or whether he'd get along with your girlfriends. More important, if we always practice safer sex, we do not have to worry about whether our sex partner will be a good dad. A casual-sex partner does not have to fill your every expectation, but there is one basic requirement: attraction. 

Acting on a feeling of instantaneous attraction can be very exciting; in turn, the feeling that you're so sexy that a stranger is overwhelmed by his attraction to you can be equally mind-blowing. From both perspectives, the possibility of being so passionate with someone we don't know but have a spontaneous sexual connection with is enough to make our heads (or bodies) spin. A perfectly common reaction to physical attraction is sexual excitement, and we can get turned on, often and easily, by people we don't know. 

Of course, a hot body and good looks can always whet our palates for some lovin'. But above and beyond simple attraction, anonymity, in particular, plays a big role in female fantasy. The exciting part for some of us is particularly that which is not connected to a relationship: the freedom of indulging in attraction without ever having to know someone's name. Pure physical pleasure can be heightened when we are freed from having to consider what will happen when the moment is over. Anonymity resolves the issues of consequences. There are no sacrifices. No one gets hurt. 

Copyright © 2005 Melinda Gallagher, M.A., and Emily Scarlet Kramer

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"10 Things You Didn't Know About Signs of Infidelity" byline: Ruth Houston

Certain things about signs of infidelity come as a surprise to most people. Even people who consider themselves knowledgeable about extramarital affairs may be unfamiliar with some of the little-known facts below. 

1. Telltale signs first begin to appear while the infidelity is still in the planning stage. 
2. Most cheaters display signs of infidelity they aren't even aware of, and wouldn't even think to cover up.
3. Most people either miss or misinterpret the many subtle signs of infidelity staring them in the face.
4. If you know what to look for, you can find countless signs of infidelity using just your eyes, your ears and your personal knowledge of your mate. 
5. It's not the obvious signs of infidelity - it's the subtle signs (the ones most people overlook) that will give the cheater away every time. 
6. Certain signs of infidelity can help you determine the identity of the Other Woman or Other Man.
7. There are 21 major categories of infidelity signs, each comprised of 2 to 6 dozen individual telltale signs. 
8. If your mate is cheating, you'll find clusters of telltale signs from several of those 21 categories all at once, not just a few telltale signs.
9. Where there's one telltale sign, there are plenty of other signs of infidelity just waiting to be found.
10. The earlier you spot the signs of infidelity, the better your chances of saving your marriage -- or of protecting yourself legally and financially in case the infidelity leads to divorce.

© 2005 Ruth Houston

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"Author on Burning of the Marriage Hat" byline: Margaret Benshoof-Holler

Some might think of the title of Burning of the Marriage Hat as an act of rebellion against the sanctity of matrimony. That's not what I had in mind in the writing of the book. When marriage works, it's very beautiful. But one need only look at the divorce rate to see that perhaps marriage, or the way that we marry or the reasons why we marry in this culture, have not brought the best results. Something must be wrong. I have seen too many women who have married and given up half of whom they are to follow someone else's dreams and not their own. I see them die a slow death and not even know it. I have seen other women marry men who give them plenty of space and who are not threatened when a woman needs to follow her own path. Those marriages seem to work. 

On the issue of being single in the U.S. culture, all types of articles and research studies have been done which analyze the single life, take it apart and come to conclusions and set the terms for how many people think. If anything, I would like to dispel that type of myth about single people which comes out of mass produced newspaper reporting and I would hope that some might gain a larger view by what I have to share. 

I think of the title Burning of the Marriage Hat as something like the road less traveled, choosing one route over another. In the case of Katherine, the narrator in the book Burning of the Marriage Hat, it means leaving one route behind or rejecting a role that was set up for her and following something different as a single woman. She, though, is not the typical spinster, the term often used to label such a woman, but an adventurous, courageous, and experienced and sensual woman who has a strong yet cautious attraction to men.

The symbol of the Burning of the Marriage Hat relates to the cleaning up of unresolved issues and denial within a family.

In a more profound sense, Burning of the Marriage Hat has to do with cleansing or being tried by fire like metal when it is shaped and molded. A jewelry maker begins with a raw piece of metal, puts it to the flame and ends up with something entirely different, something very beautiful. In a way, that's what my life has been about. 

A marriage hat is a term that came out while I was writing the book before I had even given it a title. Literally, it's the hat that the narrator Katherine's grandmother Naomi is forced to burn when her marriage to her husband Sam falls apart. It's the wedding veil that narrator Katherine burns when she finds out that her first love Joe is not going to marry her. It also has a more symbolic meaning. 

In life we find ourselves wearing different hats for different occasions. American women have worn many hats during the last 100 years -- the "married woman hat," "housewife hat," the "wife and mother hat," the "working woman" hat, "the liberated woman hat," "the single woman hat," "the marriage hat" and so on. The marriage hat has a more significant meaning when applied to a certain group such as the unwed pregnant women. 

I began writing this book on a journey back to Wyoming to dig into family roots and to uncover some past mysteries. On one trip back, I also wrote a journalism piece about Matthew Shepherd, the gay University of Wyoming student who was beaten and tied to a fence post and left to die in sub-zero temperatures in 1998 near Laramie, Wyoming (entitled "Love and Hate in the Equality State" and published in the Hearst-owned San Francisco Examiner). Not being gay myself, but a woman who grew up in Wyoming during an era when conditions for women were not the best in any location in the U.S. (this was before the 1964 Civil Rights Act had a chance to settle in to prevent discrimination against anyone on the basis of sex, race or religion and before the 1972 passage of Roe v. Wade), I had a feel for the Matthew Shepherd story. And wrote it. But, in the process of writing that piece and developing the narrator Katherine in my book, I knew there was something more that I should be writing about Wyoming. This was a story that had been buried. 

In the process of fleshing out the narrator Katherine, I began fleshing out myself as a birthmother and coming to terms with many things that I hadn't faced exactly. This is the story of the narrator Katherine. It is also the story of approximately 2.5 million women who gave their children up for adoption in the U.S. in the 1960s --"the unwed pregnant women." I drew from my own experience. I am a birthmother. And I came of age in Wyoming in the 1960s. So I drew from that experience and also what I observed around me. 

So, there we have the narrator Katherine. It was only later that I realized that it wasn't only my experience. It was the experience of approximately 250,000 unwed pregnant women a year who gave their children up for adoption in the U.S. in the 1960s. 

This is not a typical birth mother finds daughter kind of book, the kind of story that tends to get printed in the media. Those sensational types of stories get old and I quit reading them many years ago. This story goes deeper and turns the characters into real people. I was able to do that because I wrote it as fiction. Similar to how an actress projects her voice on stage, these characters are actually able to use their voices. 

In many ways, I see fiction as being truer than journalism because journalism limits one to writing about facts and figures and dates and getting things exactly right and doesn't always gets down to the deeper layers of the psyche and emotions. Journalism can do that depending on the writer. For Burning of the Marriage Hat, I had to write it in a different way. So I drew from my poetics experience and my inner core to write this book along with my journalism experience as far as structure. They all fit together and work quite well. One has to draw from real life experiences to get to deeper levels though -- one has to be very honest. And in a sense, because of the objectivity of journalism, there's a tendency for the writer to hide. A writer has to remove his or her mind from many things that might hold him or her back --i.e., the safe bureaucracies or other well-meaning people or friends who can push a writer or an artist towards self-censorship. If a writer listens too closely to the everyday voices, he or she might end up writing interoffice memos instead of a story or book that brings to light issues that have never been dealt with and still affect women today.

Burning of the Marriage Hat is the story of a woman who returns to her roots to free the ghosts of her past and come to terms with a culture that has oppressed women. Set in Wyoming, known as the "Equality State" because that's where women first gained the right to vote in the U.S. and also where I came of age on the cusp of the 1960s sexual revolution, the book is also about a place. It's also a story about a middle-class family in a small prairie town in Wyoming and the coming of age of a young woman during the post-McCarthy era of the 1960s. 

A good part of the book was written on the road. I made several road trips back and forth across Wyoming with miles and miles of open space around me. The ideas came to me on the road. The fleshing out of characters came when I returned home to San Francisco and my computer.

Another part of the book was written from my dreams. In the early 1980s while I was studying poetics with Allen Ginsberg at Narapa Institute in Boulder, he told me one night as feedback to a description of a dream that I had written that "You should write down all of your dreams." So, I've been doing that off and on since. And sometimes I happen to have very profound dreams. So part of this book came from dreams I have had at different times. It was a dream, in fact, that gave me direction when I first started writing the book. And other dreams came to me along the way as if to guide me. The dreams came at unexpected moments when I was needing a voice. The dreams and the voices I heard in them helped me get the book written. I had help from the voices of my dreams. 

Ginsberg's words and actions and feedback still speak to me. He, too, has appeared in some of my dreams. 

Back to the unwed pregnant women. In the year 2002 in the U.S., we have teen pregnancy and single welfare mothers along with six million birth mothers, many of whom gave their children up for adoption in the 60s and early 70s. This is a large group of women with strong voices and we almost never hear them. They are a group of women who have been kept out of sight. And for what reason? This must say something about whether the stigmas of the 60s are still with us. 

Also, marriage was one of two ultimatums (not choices but ultimatums) for the 60s unwed mothers. And some today would like to make it an ultimatum again for single welfare mothers. So here we have history repeating itself. 

What happened to women in the 1960s helped shape the title of Burning of the Marriage Hat. It is a fiction book that explores real social issues in the United States. I drew from my own experience. The narrator Katherine is a birthmother and I'm a birthmother. I'm also a writer and a creative women who has written about many issues. This is the first time that I have written about unwed pregnant women. This because the medium of fiction helped free the pen and the voice of this writer. 

With that, I'd like to say that a woman doesn't have to get married. She can make it alone. Not all women can do that, though. Many women can't. I have found the single life to be full of adventure along with the gamut of emotions that one deals with in any environment--married or single. A woman needs to find herself first before she takes the step towards marriage, I feel. She needs to find her creative core, her inner voice, begin the journey of following her own dreams before she even thinks of getting married." Otherwise, she will end up following someone else's and get lost in the process. Marriage can be a very beautiful union between two people and one should be open to all possibilities. 

"It is much more difficult, though, for a woman to be a strong writer within the institution of marriage. I have seen the tendency for women to hold back their voices when they are married. The stronger women writers, I feel, are those who haven't been married to a man, woman, organization, conglomerate, bureaucracy, corporation or any other system that tends to control the voice of a writer. If a woman can find freedom and space within that institution to be totally free with the pen, then we may see something very different." 

BUY HER BOOK: Burning of the Marriage Hat A Novel of High Plains Women

"Are You Dating A Potential Cheater?" byline: Ruth Houston

Is the man you're dating a potential cheater who will one day break your heart? Take this quiz and find out.

Like most single women who are dating, I'm sure you'll want to avoid getting involved with a man who's likely to cheat. After all, he could one day break your heart. But according to statistics, an estimated 50 to 70 percent of men cheat on their mates. How can you tell if the man you're dating is one of these potential cheaters? Wouldn't it be great to have this information about him before you get too deeply involved? 

Find out If He's Prone to Infidelity

Finding out whether or not the man you're dating is prone to infidelity is much easier than you think. Studies reveal that some men are more likely to cheat than others because of their background, their past history, or certain character traits. Using this information, I've designed a 7 question quiz that can help you determine if the man you're dating is a potential cheater. 

Single Women Screen Dates with this Quiz

Decide Who Not to Date

The Potential Cheaters quiz can help you make an informed decision about whether or not to continue dating a man, or how deeply to get involved. By identifying and avoiding the potential cheaters in the dating pool, you can save yourself a lot of unnecessary headaches and heartaches. 

Rate Your Date with the Potential Cheaters Quiz

So before you fall head-over-heels in love or get too attached to that new man in your life, rate your date's cheating potential with the 7 questions below:

Potential Cheaters Quiz

1. Does he thrive on adventure?
2. Did he have a great deal of sexual experience prior to your relationship? 
3. Does he have lots of female friends? 
4. Does he have male friends who are cheating on their wives or girlfriends? 
5. Does he have a parent who cheated? 
6. Did he cheat in any of his past relationships? 
7. Does he feel that infidelity is really no big deal?

What the Answers Mean:

1. Some men enjoy all the suspense, deception and intrigue that go along with infidelity. They'll cheat just for the "thrill of the chase." 
2. Studies reveal that men who were extremely sexually active before settling down in a committed relationship are more apt to engage in sex outside that relationship. Don't expect a leopard to change his spots.
3. Close friendships with women are a common starting point for infidelity. Friends can quickly turn into lovers. The closer the friendship, the greater the odds that it will develop into an affair.
4. Never underestimate the power of peer pressure. If his friends are cheating, he'll soon be cheating too. 
5. Infidelity tends to run in families. Children of unfaithful parents are often programmed to follow in their footsteps, considering infidelity to be the norm. 
6. "Once a cheater, always a cheater." There are exceptions, but statistically speaking, if he cheated once, he's more apt to do it again. His history will probably repeat itself. 
7. If he doesn't believe that infidelity is wrong, his behavior will reflect his beliefs.

How to Evaluate Your Results

Generally speaking, the more 'yes' answers, the greater the likelihood that this man will cheat. But some answers carry more weight than others, so you'll want to take a closer look at the results. 

If you answered yes to #1, #2, or #5 (but not all three), he's a POTENTIAL CHEATER who may very well cheat on you if the opportunity presents itself. If you decide to get involved with him, you need to make it difficult for him to cheat. Familiarize yourself with the signs of infidelity, so you'll know if he starts to stray.

If you answered yes to #3 or #4 alone, together, or in combination with #1 or #2, he's a COMMON "GARDEN-VARIETY" CHEATER who will cheat if he feels he can do so without getting caught. Your challenge, if you insist on dating him, is to stay one step ahead of him by learning to recognize the early warning signs. If you know how to spot the signs of impending infidelity, you may be able to stop his cheating before it starts, or leave before he breaks your heart. Familiarize yourself with the 21 major categories of telltale signs. 

If you answered yes to #6 alone or in combination with #1,#2, #3, #4, or #5 you're dealing with an EXPERIENCED CHEATER who knows how to hide the obvious signs of infidelity. The most important thing to do if you're dating this man is learn to spot the subtle signs of infidelity, because these are the signs that will inevitably give him away. Get a good infidelity reference guide, ( like Is He Cheating on You?), watch him like a hawk, and try not to get too deeply involved.

If you answered yes to #7 alone ( This one's the biggie!) or in combination with any others, you've got a HARD-CORE, HABITUAL CHEATER on your hands who's probably already having an affair. (You could unknowingly be the Other Woman.) For this man, cheating is a way of life. If you don't want to become an infidelity statistic, leave this man alone. Should you decide to take on this challenge, you're in serious trouble if you don't know how to spot the subtle signs of infidelity. Forget about watching for the usual signs of cheating. This man is an expert at covering his tracks. The best thing you can do is become adept at spotting the subtle signs of infidelity, since there won't be any obvious signs to give him away. 

If you're already dating a potential cheater, or thinking about dating one, you need to know what to do. Even if you only had one yes answer on the Potential Cheater's Quiz, there's still cause for concern. 

Copyright © Ruth Houston 2005 All rights reserved

Buy NOW! Is He Cheating on You? 829 Telltale Signs

This Thanksgiving, Be Thankful He's Not the Cheating Kind byline: Ruth Houston

This Thanksgiving, any wife whose husband isn't cheating on her has a lot to be thankful for. Faithful husbands are in short supply. Most wives assume their husbands are faithful. But only 1 wife in 4 can truthfully make that claim. 

Infidelity has reached epidemic proportions and now affects 80% of all marriages today. According to statistics, 3 out of 4 husbands are cheating on their wives. So be thankful if your husband is not the cheating kind. 

An estimated 38 to 53 million women are victims of infidelity. In one study, over 65% of the cheating husbands admitted to having had more than one extramarital affair. Studies also indicate that 2/3 of the wives whose husbands are cheating on them (approximately 26 million women) have no idea their husbands are having an affair. The wife truly is the last to know.

In the face of statistics like these, you can see why a faithful husband is indeed something to be thankful for. 

4 of Many Reasons to Be Thankful 

Though many husbands are having extramarital escapades, there's still a small minority of men who are not the cheating kind. Despite the prevalence of infidelity, these faithful husbands remain true to their marriage vows. If you're fortunate enough to be married to one, this Thanksgiving you have at least four things you can be thankful for:

** Be thankful your marriage and family are still intact.

** Be thankful the time and energy you've invested in your marriage have not been in vain.

** Be thankful you don't have to deal with the mental and emotional trauma that infidelity brings.

** Be thankful you don't have to agonize over the decision of whether to end your marriage or struggle to get it back on track.

And if you're not sure whether or not your husband is the cheating kind? Then be thankful you read this article. 

BUY NOW!!! Is He Cheating on You? 829 Telltale Signs

Consciousness In A Relationship by Linda Miles, Ph.D.

"...together our minds fuse into something whose power is far beyond the power of its separate parts." 
- From A Course In Miracles

For intimate couples, it is important to be aware of the energy that is created between partners during the romantic phase of their relationship. This energy is greater than the sum of the parts. It shines brightly and life is viewed as a beautiful kaleidoscope - catapulting them to a higher consciousness. Jungian analyst, Robert Johnson, observed that falling in love is meant to be an initiation into a world much greater than the individual-an introduction to the ideals of love, truth, and beauty that transcend ordinary life. Unfortunately, we are not usually mindful of this energy or how to manage it.

During the romantic phase, partners view each other in an idealized manner. They perceive only beauty, goodness, and love in each other and the world. They do not perceive any differences between themselves and their partner.

In time, when couples become aware of differences and faults in one another, they fail to realize their partner is a symbol and a catalyst for the poetry of life. Months or years later when they are entrenched in a power struggle, their partner becomes a cardboard cut-out on which they now project threatening characters from their own past. Such perceptions launch soulless, automatic, rigid, right-wrong games that separate partners from one another and from the positive transcendent potential of their combined consciousness. 

At this stage of the relationship, the destructive tendency of the partners is to focus on the individual differences instead of the creative potential of their combined consciousness. Most of us can recall times when we have walked into a room and felt the negative energy lingering after a couple had a fight.

Couples come into my practice wishing for me to be a judge of their individual differences instead of being a guide to help them learn to manage the potentially creative, and at the same time destructive, power that often unconsciously exists between them.
I suggest the following for couples in such distress: 

     1. Focus on the process between yourselves instead of individual differences. 
     2. Work on accepting the imperfections of yourself and your partner while looking for deeper meaning in repetitive arguments. 
     3. Get curious about patterns you have learned in your early years that you now project onto your partner. 
     4. Learn to use the relationship's combined energy for creative life enhancement instead of destructive maneuvers. 
     5. Work to make each other's lives larger instead of smaller. 

It can also be very productive for couples to co-create a picture of what their ideal relationship could be like and to visualize that image daily. It also works for them to make a commitment to not participate in destructive interactions that damage and may ultimately destroy their shared consciousness.

In Embracing The Beloved, psychotherapists Stephen and Ondrea Levine write about how in a spiritual here and now process, they view one another as "beingness" constantly unfolding. And they refer to their combined consciousness as a "beloved energy."

It can be a difficult process to transform our power struggles into creative energy. As Thomas Merton wrote, "...true love and prayer are learned in the moment when prayer has become impossible and the heart has turned to stone."

Jungian analyst, Marion Woodman, describes the first time she saw her husband free of her own projections after years of marriage. She heard him rattling around in the kitchen attempting to poach an egg. At first she began to think in terms of her "shoulds" and became judgmental of his inadequacy in the kitchen. She then let go of all judgment and for the first time was able to see him as himself, standing on spindly legs in Bermuda shorts, holding an imperfect poached egg. As she watched him, she felt profound love.

The Levines refer to this type of watching as "soft eyes" because you watch without any judgment- with compassion and loving kindness.

Buy The Book Here: The New Marriage: Transcending the Happily-Ever-After Myth