Marketing Conversations and Conversation STOPPERS

Guest blog by Nina Ham cppc, lcsw

Where many marketing conversations get off-track are the ones you have with yourself, before you even pick up the phone or initiate the handshake. As independent professionals, usually at the helm of solo businesses, we sometimes find ourselves facing daunting internal obstacles as we try to begin our day’s marketing activity. With no one in our office-of-one to help with a confidence booster, an important resource to have in our self-management toolbox is a means of submitting the negative self-talk for an internal Second Opinion.

Let’s imagine you’re about to pick up the phone to follow up on a promising contact you met a few days ago. You recognize that the clammy hands gripping the phone are a sure sign that Fear of Rejection is in charge. You’ve convinced yourself that the voice about to answer your call is just waiting for an excuse, any excuse, to hang up. What to do? Time for a Second Opinion! 

The Department of Second Opinions draws on that part of yourself that knows enough to question the self-defeating voices by asking, “How real is this?” Buttressing its wisdom is the recognition that a conversation underlies every marketing activity as sub-text, a conversation that’s usually unspoken. While we may tend to think of marketing as telling people what we do, in fact all our marketing activities implicitly ask a question: “Do my services have potential value to you?” When Fear of Rejection is in charge, the door slams shut on any potential conversation. “Do my services have value?” “No!” End of conversation. But what if you stay in the (unspoken) conversation and wonder, “What are they actually saying no to, and why?” They could be saying no to having the conversation now, or to a perceived misfit between their needs and your services, or even to the person they couldn’t say no to 10 minutes earlier!

Viewed in this light, the imagined door slamming shut in your face shifts to a swinging door. Even if it shuts, you’re likely to come away with useful information about the needs of this prospect, or about how to better position your services for your target client. Even if it shuts on him or her as a prospect, you’ve gotten the word out to one more person about your services.

Another conversation stopper, particularly seductive for service professionals: “I Can’t Sell Myself”. This one actually negates any conversation from the outset, presuming instead that rather than talking, you have to convince or even manipulate the prospect. A Second Opinion might point to a more promising line of inquiry such as: How do I quickly and accurately inform myself about my prospect’s needs and present my services as an effective solution?

Shifting the internal voices – abandoning the conversation-stoppers or door-slammers and instead framing a question - gives you a good chance of getting off on positive footing for the actual conversation. It’s very helpful to remember that even if the prospect says no, this doesn’t have to be your last opportunity. When you relax into the conversation, into listening and asking as well as telling, you may hear an interest or need that has no direct connection to your services but provides a basis for staying in touch. This will indeed have been a successful marketing conversation! Good luck.

Leaving Messages

Guest blog by Wendy Weiss
Author of Cold Calling for Women: Opening Doors and Closing Sales
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

'Hi __________. My name is _________. I'm your ________ sales person calling to introduce myself. I would like to talk to you about what we have to offer.'

The above is an actual message that was left on my voice mail. I did not call back. Would you? Probably not.

Let me state up front that I'm still not a big fan of leaving messages. Having a conversation with your prospect is always so much better, and with some skill and patience it is possible to
eventually get most prospects on the telephone.

If, however, you choose to leave a message, you must give your prospect some reason to call you back. 'I would like to talk to you about what we have to offer' does not cut it.

When you are speaking with your prospect for the first time, it is imperative to have a hook, something to grab and hold that prospect's attention. If you don't hook your prospect in the
beginning of your conversation, they will not want to speak with you. They will say, 'I'm not interested,' and worse case, they may hang up on you.

It works exactly the same way when you are leaving a message. If you don't have a hook, if your message does not grab and hold your prospect's attention, your prospect will hit delete and that will be that.

The process for finding your hook, whether for your actual conversation or for your message, is always the same. You want to identify hot buttons, those issues that are so important to
your prospect that when they come up, your prospect stops in her tracks to listen. Every single message that you leave must have a hook. And if you plan on leaving more than one message, you will want to have different hooks. (And BTW: If you really want to reach your prospect, you will need to leave more than one message.) This way you will always be saying something new.

Start by making a list. List every benefit and value that youand/or your products/services bring to your customers. Once you have that list, create a message for each benefit/value. You can have more than one message about any one benefit/value, as long as you have another angle or another point that you can make. When you are done, you should have several different generic messages that you could then leave for your prospect. Once you've developed your generic messages, you can then customize them for any particular prospect. 

He.are are some additional tips for leaving messages:
* Say your name and telephone number at least twice, once at the beginning of the message and once at the end.
* Spell your name.
* Speak slowly and clearly. No one will ever call you back if they do not understand you.
* Slow down when you spell your name and give your telephone number. Your prospect will interpret this slowing down as a direction to write, and will pick up a pen and write down your
information. This works when you are speaking directly to your prospect as well.
* Make sure to tell prospects that you will call back if you do not hear from them. This way you take back control and are not left sitting by the phone, waiting for prospects to call.
© 2006 Wendy Weiss

Inactive Leads

Guest blog by Erin Flynn

Case study: Jump-starting those inactive leads. 

"Thanks for calling to confirm - but I'm afraid I'm going to have to cancel our meeting for next week. We've decided to put a hold on all our spending in this area for now. We'll be re-evaluating in a couple of months. Keep in touch, okay?"

It's part of the sales landscape - a law as dependable as gravity. No matter how effective, persuasive, or experienced a given salesperson is, some percentage of that person's promising leads will turn into "opportunities." These are static contacts that aren't moving through the sales process and can't be counted on to provide income - at least for the time being. 

The question really isn't whether contacts will fall into the "opportunity" category, but what steps to take when they do. How do you reignite interest and generate activity within your list of "cold" prospects? Canadian sales representative Gino Sette came up with an interesting strategy. 

Gino decided to write a letter to every prospect who had decided not to buy from him over a given period. Basically, the letter said this: "It was a pleasure meeting with you awhile back to talk about what your company was doing. Even though we were unable to move forward at that time, I'm still thinking about you." 

Gino then invited each "cold" contact to sit in at one of his company's upcoming events. "This will give you an opportunity to evaluate, first-hand, the applicability of what we do to your business environment," he wrote. "Attached is a list of all upcoming training where my clients have approved outside observers. I've also included a brief description of each of the programs."

According to Gino, he got calls from prospects who were very interested in observing specific programs, even though they had initially declined his firm's training. Gino decided to write to each member of his active client base and extend the same invitation. The letter begins as follows: "First of all, let me thank you for allowing us to work with you and XYZ Company. We are very excited to have you as part of our client list, as you are a significant player. It is for this reason that I would like to extend the following invitation to you…"

As his flurry of return calls proved, Gino's innovative letter technique is an effective way to win back (or solidify) your position on the to-do lists of your customers and inactive leads. His idea can be adapted to training programs, open houses, media events, and any 

Gain Your Prospect's Attention

Guest blog by Wendy Weiss
Author of Cold Calling for Women: Opening Doors and Closing Sales
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

On a cold call you have approximately 10-30 seconds to grab your prospects’ attention—and you won’t get a second chance. Read on to discover how to gain your prospects’ attention…

I was eating lunch. The phone rang and thinking it might be a client calling (and also, let’s face it—I’m a little compulsive) I bolted to my desk and grabbed the receiver.

Instead of my client, on the other end of the line was a perky person telling me that their company provides high-speed Internet access in my area. This was not exciting news. I live in New York City, we have a multitude of options and high-speed Internet access is a given. (An aside: New Yorkers don’t usually respond well to perky.)

I said what I usually say to such callers. I told the caller she needed help with her cold calling and suggested that she visit my web site, www.queenofcoldcalling.com. Then I went back to my lunch.

Believe it or not, your prospects are not sitting by the phone waiting for your call. (And they are all not as compulsive as I am about answering the telephone.) At the moment that you call, all of your prospects are doing something else. All of them. The way that you introduce yourself must get their attention.

So what’s wrong with the introduction, “We now provide high speed Internet access in your area”?

This introduction makes “high speed Internet access” into a commodity. It’s a thing. Most of this caller’s prospects probably already have high-speed Internet access. They already have that thing. They don’t need another.

Whatever you are selling, if you make it into a commodity, (“I’m a printer…” “I’m a financial advisor...” “We sell home furnishings…”) more than likely your prospect has one (or some) and sees no reason to have a conversation.

While you do want to be clear about what you do, more importantly you want your prospect to understand the value that you offer. How do you make your customers’ lives better, easier, safer, more productive…? That’s what will get your prospect’s attention and that’s what will enable you to have a good conversation.

One way to get a prospect’s attention is to lead with price. Saving money will always be high on a prospect’s wish list so if you truly are able to save your customers money, prospects will pay attention. The caller above could have introduced herself by saying the company saves customers money (giving a specific dollar amount or percentage makes this even stronger) on their high speed Internet access.

The problem, however, with leading with price is that there will always be someone who can give your customers a better price. Leading with price does not insure customer loyalty. It almost guarantees that you will have to keep cutting your prices or lose customers to the next caller who comes along offering a savings.

So now we’re back to value. Using the above example, how could the caller have tweaked her approach so that she’d have a better chance of having good conversations with prospects? Here’s an idea:

Perhaps the company she represented was really excellent at taking care of their customers, for example, maybe they didn’t make you wait for a week to get a service call in the event of a problem. Or perhaps they had live human beings answering their phones 24/7 rather than those automated systems that make you dial numbers to get into the right queue and then tell you the wait time will be 45 minutes. (I know, wishful thinking here.) Anyway, the potential of avoiding of annoyance and aggravation because of superior customer service could catch a prospect’s attention. 

The point is that you need to get into your customer’s heads and figure out what differentiates you (your company/products/services) from the competition and why your customers buy from you. Then in your cold call opening, lead with that differentiator and/or that reason. Once you are able to stop making your offering into a commodity and instead focus on the value, your prospects will respond. 

Five Ways to Name Your Prospect

Guest blog by Wendy Weiss
Author of Cold Calling for Women: Opening Doors and Closing Sales
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

The first step in your cold call is frequently an attempt to put a name on your prospect. You think a particular company is a potential prospect--you just don’t know whom you should speak with. How do you put a name on that person?

Here are five ways to find your prospect’s name: 

1. Ask the receptionist
The easiest way to name your prospect is to simply ask the receptionist. A part of her job is to help you identify the prospect. Another part of her job is to connect you. (Generally, receptionists are underpaid and overworked. Callers are frequently rude, so be very nice to the receptionist; she can be a tremendous help.) 

You: “Before yTou connect me, (P A U S E) I need to reach…” (give title) “Who is that please?”. 
(The key word here is: “before.” You say, “Before you connect me” and then you pause because you want the receptionist to hear the word “before” and that way give you a name before she puts you through.) 

Receptionist: "What is this in reference to?"
(This “What is this in reference to?” is different than later on when the secretary or assistant says it. At this point the receptionist doesn’t really mean what is this in reference to? She means I do not understand what you want, I don’t know who to connect you with. Remember: Her job is to connect you with someone.)

You: (Use the “Broken Record Technique”--Repeat what you just said but elaborate a little. For example, if you want to reach the Senior Vice President of Marketing:) I need to reach whoever handles marketing.  I don’t know if that would be your Senior Vice President of Marketing or your Marketing Director or your Advertising Director... Who would handle that and what is the correct title?

(If you keep using the “Broken Record Technique” and throwing out titles, eventually the receptionist will latch onto one and give you a name)

Sometimes if a company has a policy that they will not give out names at the switchboard you can ask to be connected with that department. When the receptionist in that area answers you start over with “Before you connect me…”

2. Call the Chief Executive Officer:
The theory here is that Executive Secretaries know everything. Call the CEO’s office. Ask for the CEO. When the Executive Secretary says, “What is this in reference to?” tell her. She will then generally point you in the right direction, in addition to which when you get to your prospect you can say, “the CEOs office said I should be meeting with you,” implying that you actually spoke with the CEO. 

3. Randomly change the numbers of the general switchboard number: 
If the general number is –5000, call -5001, -5002, -5003 etc. and keep going until you actually reach a human being. Ask them to help you. “Would you help me please?”  People love to help. Ask: “Who is in charge of that department?” “Who is the liaison with…?”  “Who should I speak with?” “Who would handle that?” Once you get a name, ask: “Do you have a company directory? Would you look up that extension for me?” Sometimes they will, sometimes they won’t—but it never hurts to ask.

4. The made-up name:
If asking the receptionist the first time doesn’t work because company policy forbids them to give out names, make up a name and ask the receptionist for that person. The receptionist will say, “There is no one by that name here.” You will say, “Oh, Jane Jones used to be the Senior Vice President of (fill in the blank).  She was the one I always dealt with. Who has taken over for her?” Assuming that the receptionist has not been at the company since the beginning of time and knows there was never any Jane Jones… she may very well give you the prospect’s name.  

5. A last resort;
Call Human Resources. Use the same technique that you use with the receptionist. “Before you connect me…”

Filing the Sales Pipeline

Guest blog by Wendy Weiss
Author of Cold Calling for Women: Opening Doors and Closing Sales
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

"I have made attempts to contact you to determine if there is a mutual fit between our companies. How would you like for me to follow-up with you going forward? 

"I have been working under the assumption that Weiss Communications will be considering _________. Is this still the case? If you are not interested or if there is another person you would like me to follow-up with, please let me know. I certainly do not want to waste your time."

This is an email I recently received from a sales representative. It's interesting because this is the first communication that I actually received from this representative. Didn't recognize the rep's name. Didn't recognize the company name. Don't really know what he's selling or why I should be interested. And of course, I have heard nothing further from him.

I suppose that if one sent enough emails of this type, eventually someone would respond that they are interested. This strikes me as a very frustrating way to fill a pipeline.

The bottom line is that if you want to be able to sell consistently, if you want to have those million dollar and beyond sales careers, if you want to avoid major frustration and wheel spinning, blanketing the earth with emails, voice mails or even phone calls is not the answer.

The answer is to be highly specific about who your prospect is and why they should buy from you. Far too often when speaking with entrepreneurs, business owners and sales professionals, I ask them, "Who is your market?" and the response is "Everyone."

Sorry. "Everyone" is not the answer that will make money for you. Even if "everyone" could use your product/service, (highly unlikely) they would all be buying for different reasons. Your job is to identify those reasons, make sure the reasons correspond with the prospect with whom you are speaking and help your prospect understand that your product/service is the answer to his or her needs, wants and desires.

So here are the questions that you need to ask yourself:

1. What am I selling? What is the value and/or benefit to my customer who buys what I am selling? What is the reason my customer buys? Why should my prospect be interested in
what I am selling? What need, want and/or desire does my product/service satisfy?
2. Out of everyone in the entire world who might purchase my product/service, who is most likely to purchase my product/service? Out of that group, who is most likely to buy a lot of my product/service? And who is most likely to return again and again to buy more of my
product/service?

If you are able to satisfactorily answer these questions, you will be able to spend your time wisely, focusing on prospects who are truly viable. Your selling time will be productive and your numbers will go through the roof.
To your success!
© 2007 Wendy Weiss

Do Your Words Betray You?

Guest blog by Wendy Weiss
Author of Cold Calling for Women: Opening Doors and Closing Sales
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

What do the words that you use say about you? What is your basic message? Do your words support that basic message?

As a business owner, entrepreneur or sales professional, part of your message must be of confidence and authority. You always want your prospect or your customer to see you as an expert in your field, as someone who is credible and someone who is knowledgeable. Sometimes, the words we use or the way we use them get in the way.

Have you ever started a conversation with a prospect or customer with the phrase "I'm just calling."?

That little word "just" is an apology. It says that your call is not important and that what you have to say is not important. Delete it from your vocabulary immediately! Simply tell your
prospects and customers why you are calling. That is enough.

"I believe that.."
"I think that.."
"I know.."

Who would you rather listen to? Someone who believes or thinks she knows something-or someone who just knows it? The phrases "I believe" and "I think" detract from your message. They detract from your power.
"Once we have completed. We will hopefully achieve."
Hopefully?

No one pays you to "hopefully" do something. They pay you to actually do it! Tell your prospects or customers what they will achieve or should expect to achieve.

To make your words sound powerful, pitch your voice to a lower level than your usual speaking voice. In our society, a lower-pitched voice is perceived as more authoritative. Also, make sure that the inflection goes down at the end of every sentence. When nervous, everyone tends to make even statements into questions with an upward inflection. This will make you sound nervous and unsure. Be careful also, as you are doing this, not to drop off
or throw the last words of your sentence away. That would sound like you are giving up. 

It may take some time and practice before you are fully comfortable eliminating the words "just," "I believe," "I think" and "hopefully" from your vocabulary. It will also take some time
and practice to get the lowered vocal pitch and downward inflections at the end of sentences. But it will be time well spent when you see the difference in the way your customers and
prospects respond. Even if you do feel nervous, using these particular word and vocal tips will make you sound confident and self-assured. Eventually, you will even begin to feel that way!

Demystifying Prospecting

Guest blog by Adrian Miller
Author of The Blatant Truth: 50 Ways to Sales Success
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

Prospecting for new business does not have to be a daunting experience. By following these simple "rules", success should be yours. But, no shortcuts. If you want to succeed, be honest with yourself, and follow these techniques closely.

And remember: "Victory belongs to the most persevering"   Napoleon Bonaparte

· The voice mail message that you leave on a cold call MUST include a BENEFITS STATEMENT. That means you must answer the age-old question that every prospect asks themselves when they hear a pitch..."what's in it for me!" If you do that, you'll increase your percentage of returned calls.

· You must speak SLOW enough for the prospect to ACCURATELY record your name and telephone number. The best way to do this....write down the number yourself when reciting it. If you can record it, so can the prospect.

· Yup...we all know the adage....features tell, benefits sell. Then how come so many of us still speak in terms of features and not benefits. The prospect doesn't care what your product or service does, they only care about what it does FOR THEM.

· Not everyone responds to the same benefit. Make certain that you open your sales presentation with a "general" benefit that appeals to all, or most, prospects. Then, probe for your prospect's "hot button."

· Don't expect prospects to listen to a monologue. After the opening benefits statement, "engage" the prospect with a question.

· The best questions to ask are open-ended. Closed-ended probes get a "yes," "no" response, or maybe a number. Open-ended probes encourage description, feelings and dialogue.

· Do not ask more than 2 questions in a row. If you do, you'll sound as if you are conducting an interrogation. Prioritize your probes carefully. You never know when the prospect is going to interrupt and stop you in your tracks.

· Try to overcome objections BEFORE they are raised. Proactively address prospects' points of concern and resistance. Don't back off from objections. While they are not the most pleasant part of the dialogue, they provide you with the opportunity to re-sell.

· The worst objection is the one that is unspoken.

· A request for literature is not a dead end. Do not automatically assume the prospect is a deadbeat. Agree with the prospect that you will send them literature. Tell them that in order to make certain you send the information that is most relevant to their needs, you need to ask some questions. Make certain that the questions will allow you to re-sell and close again. Ask the prospect exactly what they are looking to see in the brochure / literature. Perhaps you can tell / explain it right then.

· All prospects that request literature should get a return phone call. Probe and find the best time / day to callback. Send out literature within 24 hours. Better yet, ask if you can fax the literature.

· You won't make a sale, or get an appointment, unless you ask for it. Closing rids the prospect of uncertainty. Closing is a call to action. You have to close more than once on each call. Be prepared. 

Make prospecting a commitment that can't be broken. Commit to a specific number of hours per week. Schedule the time (no cheating!)

Remember, in life you miss 100% of the shots you never take (thank you, Wayne Gretzky). The best time to start…NOW! 

Call-Killing Phrases

Guest blog by Wendy Weiss
Author of Cold Calling for Women: Opening Doors and Closing Sales
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

How often have you started a call to a friend, family member or business associate with the phrase, 'How are you?' I'm willing to bet the answer is a lot. I know I say it frequently. It's
commonly used as a greeting, as a 'hello.'

Because 'How are you?' is so commonly used, how often have you started your introductory calls with this phrase? If you do use this phrase as an opening for your introductory call, please stop immediately. It's an introductory call-killer, and this is why:

1. If you ask this question, you must be prepared for the answer. What if your prospect answers, 'I'm having a lousy day. My back hurts, I have a cold, I hate my job and my wife left me yesterday'? Do you really care? Is this the reason for your phone call?

2. You lose control of the call. (This is probably the most important reason.) If your prospect does respond, 'I'm having a lousy day. My back hurts, I have a cold, I hate my job and my
wife left me yesterday,' how are you going to get the call back on track?

3. It's a set up, a tip off to your prospect that you are making a sales call. It gives your prospect the opportunity to say, 'I'm busy. What do you want?' (See number 2 above.)

Similar issues apply with the introductory call-killing phrases, 'May I have a moment of your time?' and/or 'Is this a good time to talk?'

With both of these phrases, you lose control of the call right at the beginning, before you've had a chance to say anything at all. If the prospect answers, 'no,' the call is over. These are
also both tip off phrases. Friends, family and important business colleagues would probably not say, 'May I have a moment of your time?' or 'Is this a good time to talk?' Only someone
making a sales call would use this language, and it's all too easy for your prospect to respond negatively.

I know that many of you reading this will argue, 'Wendy, it's polite. It's polite to say, 'How are you?' as a greeting and it's polite to ask permission to speak.' There are, however, many ways to greet a prospect - saying 'hello' works just fine. It is also equally polite to simply introduce yourself and get to the point. This is not only polite, it's respectful of your prospect's time, it's more effective and it allows you to retain control of the conversation.

In order to be truly effective prospecting or selling by phone, it is imperative to control the conversations you have with prospects. You want to set yourself up to have the best possible
conversation that you can have with any given prospect. While it is true that not all prospects will respond badly to the above phrases, why take the chance? Why risk blowing a lead at the
beginning of the call if something as simple as not starting out with, 'How are you?' can totally eliminate that possibility?

Say hello. Introduce yourself. Get to the point and say what you have to say. Then ask for what you want. This is the formula for a successful introductory call. Save the 'How are you?' question for those whose answers really interest you.
© 2006 Wendy Weiss

Building Relationships

Guest blog by Wendy Weiss
Author of Cold Calling for Women: Opening Doors and Closing Sales
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

A conversation:

The Salesperson: "I don't cold call-I want to build relationships."

Wendy: "Huh?"

Recently I've had a number of conversations with sales professionals and entrepreneurs who tell me they do not cold call because they want to build relationships with prospects.

I'm confused.

Who says the two are mutually exclusive?

Every relationship whether business or personal begins somewhere. Everyone whom you currently know, your significant other, your colleagues at work, your friends, or your neighbors were unknown to you at one time. Then, somehow, you met and over time formed a relationship. It takes time.

In sales there are many ways to contact and reach out to new prospects. There's direct mail, networking, referrals, trade shows, the internet, public speaking and writing articles. And yes, there is calling prospects on the telephone. These are all ways to introduce yourself, your
company and your product or service to potential customers.

The telephone introduction is incredibly direct, easy, efficient and inexpensive. First you target your market and then you introduce yourself to the decision-maker. That's one of the reasons I prefer the term "introductory calling" to "cold calling." The call is an introduction. It is not a
sale or a relationship.

However you initially meet a prospect, after that introduction, you still must take all of the necessary steps to build a relationship. With every prospect that you encounter, however you first encounter them, at some point you will have to pick up the telephone and call them. If at
that point you do not represent yourself effectively and articulately, you will not move to the next step. This means that even if you are calling a prospect who did not originate with a phone call, you will need to do all of the same preparation that you would do if that prospect were a total stranger and you were calling for the first time! You would still have to determine how you want to represent yourself, what points you want to make and what is the goal
of your conversation.

Every sale has a cycle with four steps. The cycle could be longer or shorter depending on the product or service, the market and/or your skill level, but you must go through every step of your sales cycle. Most sales cycles go something like this: The first step is always the
introduction. This could be a phone call, it could be a letter or an e-mail, but somehow the prospect must become aware of you. Usually the next step is a meeting (or sometimes a series of meetings) or an extended conversation (or a series of conversations.) You personally introduce yourself and whatever you are selling to your prospect and you learn more about the prospect company. From there, if all goes well, you move to the proposal step. This proposal
can be verbal and as simple as explaining your services and fees or it could be a more complex written proposal. The last step of this particular cycle is the close, when your
prospect accepts your proposal. This process could happen in a day-or it could take a year, but however long it takes you will never skip any of the steps.

The mistake most people make is in not understanding the steps of the sales cycle and that you must pass through each step to get to the next. The introductory call does not lead directly to the close. What that introductory call does is easily and quickly get you directly in front of your prospect to begin your sales cycle. You will still have to put in all of the work to show your prospect how you can help. And you will still have to put in all of the work to build a relationship with that prospect.

Many people do a lot of time-consuming, expensive things to first meet prospects so that they can later follow up with a phone call. My suggestion: Simply call. It saves time and it saves money.
© 2004 Wendy Weiss

Bringing In Management

Guest blog by Erin Flynn

At the sales training company I work for, I watch salespeople bring in new business on a daily basis. I've noticed that the most successful reps have learned when and how to bring management in for help. These reps realize they cannot always close a deal solo; wisely, they turn to their higher-ups for assistance. 

Let's say an experienced sales representative at my firm is at the proposal stage with a prospect, but is not certain about the timetable, pricing, person or plan. It's not at all uncommon at our company for the rep to call in the president, Steve Schiffman. Steve will call this prospect and say something along the following lines: "I just wanted to call and say hello. I'm Steve Schiffman, the president of the company. I understand from speaking with my rep, (rep's name), that it looks like we'll be doing business together."

At this point, one of two things can happen. If the prospect says, "Yes, that's right," then Steve knows that the salesperson is in fact presenting a solid proposal. If Steve gets a "Gee, I'm not so sure" answer, he will ask, "Oh, what seems to be the issue?" 

Steve deals with the issue by showing examples of how D.E.I. has helped other companies in similar situations. It always helps to assure the prospect that your company has handled similar situations, and achieved positive results. 

He often closes the call by saying to the prospect, "I will work with my rep in dealing with this concern. You can be assured we will together to make sure you are comfortable in such-and-such an area."

Let's say the rep then meets with his or her contact -- and then doesn't get the deal. Steve will make a second call. That call sounds like this: "I understand from speaking to my rep that we are not going to be doing business together after all. Did we do something wrong?"

Steve asks the person directly why there is no deal. This is one of the most underrated strategies in the industry. Invariably, when Steve asks, "Did we do something wrong?" the prospect will say "No, it was nothing you people did." Steve will then ask, "So why aren't we doing business together?" At that point, the prospect will outline what is really at stake. 

Steve will address his concerns and close the call by saying, "Let's get together with my rep and review how we can work together to solve the issues you've raised in such-and-such an area. How about Tuesday at 3 p.m.?" 

You'd be amazed at how often this approach results in major sales from prospects that appeared to be "dead in the water."

I have seen this "bring in the manager" strategy utilized again and again. It really works! Try it yourself and see what happens! 

The bottom line: Working together, salespeople and their superiors can get to the heart of the prospect's situation -- and win sales that otherwise would have slipped through the cracks. 

Boss Mode or Getting Past the Palace Guard

Guest blog by Wendy Weiss
Author of Cold Calling for Women: Opening Doors and Closing Sales
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

I have become a huge Apprentice fan. Thursday evenings you'll find me glued to the television, excited, focused and wondering who will be fired next. I'm willing to bet that many of my
readers share that obsession.

Whenever I talk about Getting Past the Palace Guard, the secretaries, receptionists, assistants, voice mail, anyone and/or anything that blocks access, I've taken to pointing to Donald Trump. The question I ask: "If Donald Trump were to call your prospect, and that prospect's secretary were to say to him, 'What is this in reference to?' what do you think Donald Trump would say?"

This question always occasions much conversation. The general consensus of opinion, however, is that Donald Trump would probably say, "This is Donald Trump. Is she there?"

Another example: If Barbra Streisand calls Steven Spielberg at DreamWorks and Steven's secretary says to her, "What is this in reference to?" here is what Barbra will not say: "I'm a singer and an actress and a producer and maybe you've seen some of my movies?" She would probably say, "This is Barbra Streisand. Is he there?"

I know that many of you will now say to me, "But Wendy, I'm not famous." It doesn't matter. I'm willing to bet that Donald Trump and Barbra Streisand would have said exactly the same thing 30 years ago before they were famous. I'm willing to bet that 30 years ago they had almost the same self-confidence, assurance and sense of entitlement that they have now. It was that self-confidence, assurance and sense of entitlement that helped them get to where they are now.

Let's switch gears for a moment and talk about your prospects. What type of people are they? They are bosses. What does it mean to be a boss? How does a boss behave? First of all, bosses are decision-makers. That's what we call them and that's what they do. They are used to making decisions. They also have at least some authority to be able to implement their decisions. They give direction and expect the direction to be followed. More than likely, at least in their business persona, they have self-confidence and assurance. These are all traits that bosses or leaders share and these traits influence how a boss or a leader behaves.

There have been many, many books and articles written about the art of creating rapport with prospects. Usually what it boils down to is being as like the prospect as you can be without
mimicking or imitating them. When you are able to do this well, your prospect will see you as being like them. That prospect is then more likely to feel comfortable with you and want to spend time with you and do business with you.

Let's take that a step further and talk about secretaries and assistants. If you behave like a boss, i.e., with authority, self-confidence and assurance, the secretary will see you as being a boss. Other bosses are peers with her boss. The secretary will give more value, importance and urgency to your call when she believes you to be a peer of her boss.

Here is my recommendation for speaking with the Palace Guard: Go into Boss Mode. Speak with authority, self-confidence and assurance. Give direction to that secretary, "Please tell (your prospect) that (your name) from (your company) is on the line." And give direction as if you were speaking with your own secretary. (It's alright if you do not have a secretary or
assistant today. One day you very well might. Look at this as practice.) Be polite and firm. Give your directions in a manner that says you expect your direction to be followed. (How do you think Donald Trump would say it?)

I know that I will get some e-mails here, from people who will tell me this approach is rude. It's not rude to speak with confidence and self-assurance. And, if you use this approach, you
will find that your ability to reach prospects will rise significantly.

Beating Quota

Guest blog by Erin Flynn 

Recently, a client of ours in the telecommunications industry asked us to help set up a customized training program to help sales representatives increase sales depth within its base of existing customers. This client had numerous Fortune 100 customers... but had not developed a systemized way of identifying new areas for growth within each of these major accounts. 

We asked participants to bring information on their top five accounts to our training session. At the program, we asked them to answer the following questions about each account: 

* How can I work with this company's sales department to win new customers - and increase profitability? Follow-up: What new people within the organization would I talk to about that? 

* How can I help the target company's sales, customer service, shipping and transportation departments to maintain its base of existing accounts more effectively? Follow-up: What new people within the organization would I talk to about that?

* How can I work with the target company's shipping, accounts receivable, accounts payable, and manufacturing departments to improve communication with major suppliers? Follow-up: What new people within the organization would I talk to about that?

* What programs can I put together with this company's marketing and sales departments to help the organization gain a competitive edge in the marketplace? Follow-up: What new people within the organization would I talk to about that?

* How can I help this company's department heads and human resources people retain and recruit high-quality employees? Follow-up: What new people within the organization would I talk to about that?

* What can I propose to this company's shipping, receiving, dispatching, sales, and customer service people to help streamline transportation? Follow-up: What new people within the organization would I talk to about that? 

In answering these questions, trainees were asked to identify contacts in at least five different areas within each company. They wrote down the size of each account, the possible product application by division/department, and information in each relevant area gleaned from sources like the World Wide Web or the company's annual report. 

At the end of this process, all the participants had a huge number of new prospects! Their new calling list was prioritized according to three criteria: territory management considerations (i.e., which contacts to meet with in the same building on a given day), the potential account size, and the likely time cycle. 

We then showed these reps how to build their calls around the groups and people these reps had helped in the past, thus dramatically increasing their likelihood of scheduling a meeting with the new person. 

The bottom line: By using these strategies, our client was able to target and win new business within their major accounts - and beat quota. 

Are You Getting in Your Own Way?" (A Marketing Insensitive)

Guest blog by Wendy Weiss
Author of Cold Calling for Women: Opening Doors and Closing Sales
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

If you are not seeing the sales and marketing results that you desire you might want to take a hard look at your communication style for both spoken and written communications. You could be getting in your own way.

Think about your goal in every communication you have with a prospect or customer. Then look at how you communicate with that prospect or customer. Are you getting the looked for
results? 

Recently I offered a series of free teleseminars. My goals for the teleseminars were to help attendees with difficult prospecting issues and to introduce my new product, "Cold Calling College." As an incentive to purchase the product I offered a one-day only discount (standard marketing procedure.) Here is an e-mail that I received from one of the participants:

--> "Dear Wendy,

--> "I thought the concepts on the cold calling telecall today were valid, however, somewhat rudimentary for me. I would consider purchasing 'Cold Calling College' for the scripts.. my Area Director is in Prague [so] I cannot get approval until next Monday. To get the approval I will need to sell its value as being more advanced than what I have thus far seen. Considering these factors. I would like to request that the discount still be offered to me next week."

It was fascinating that this participant e-mailed to request a favor, an extension on the deadline to purchase the product, yet she chose to start out her request by disparaging the teleclass and the offer. Hmmm. She's getting in her own way.

I did not take this personally. Actually, I found it to be rather amusing. We have sold many, many copies of "Cold Calling College" and will continue to do so. One sale more or less will not make or break us. I replied with a polite e-mail that the deadline to purchase was midnight that night and could not be extended.

In thinking about this communication I wondered had she sent a different e-mail would I have been more inclined to grant her request? How could this participant have changed her
communication to make it more likely to get a positive response?

Let's see.

It's always a good idea to start out a request with an acknowledgement. It puts the recipient in a good frame of mind. It is also important to tell the truth. The issue here would be for this participant to find something she could acknowledge. How about this:

--> "Dear Wendy,

--> "Thank you for taking the time to offer this freeteleclass."

This is the truth. The class was free. It took some of my time. This was a statement the participant could easily have made without compromising her feelings about the class.

Next, outline the problem in a positive manner, again always telling the truth. In the original e-mail this participant said, "I would consider purchasing 'Cold Calling College' for the scripts. my Area Director is in Prague [so] I cannot get approval until next Monday." (The subtext of this sentence is that there is nothing important in the product except for the scripts.) How about this instead:

--> "I'm interested in purchasing 'Cold Calling College,' but I need to get my manager's approval to do so. She is in Prague until next week."

This approach is much softer and is also true. She did have some interest in purchasing "Cold Calling College." In this approach she is not promising to buy, she is simply expressing interest in a positive manner. She did not have to minimize the value of the product to make this request.

Next this participant said, "I will need to sell its value as being more advanced than what I have thus far seen."

This is totally unnecessary information for the recipient, it's also rather insulting. She should have skipped this sentence altogether.

Then ask for what you want. It is also a good idea to acknowledge that your request is out of the ordinary.

--> "Would you be good enough to give me an extension on the deadline?"

Had this participant followed this outline, I might very well have granted her the extension she requested.

Think about every communication that you have with a prospect or customer. Ask yourself, "What is my goal?" Then ask yourself, "What is the best way to frame this communication so that I get the desired result?" Ask yourself, "How might my prospect or customer react to my
words?"

Asking yourself these questions before you communicate with a prospect or customer will keep you from getting in your own way. It will help you to create easy, stress-free communications. It will also help you get the results you desire.

Another Marketing Insensitive

Guest blog by Wendy Weiss
Author of Cold Calling for Women: Opening Doors and Closing Sales
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

Approximately two years ago I first wrote about "Marketing Insensitives." At the time, I had received a call from a telemarketer offering me some "marketing insensitives" to purchase a product. Yes, she really said this! She was not being clever; she just couldn't pronounce "incentive."

But, Marketing Insensitives do exist! They are the unfortunate, not-thought-through, ridiculous, dumb things that businesses do that drive customers away. Here is another:

**************

The potential customer makes a phone call.

Ring, ring, ring.

Automated Telephone Attendant: Thank you for calling Wonderful Widget World. We're happy that you have called. Here you will find our total selection of Wonderful Widgets along with bargains galore and expert service from our happy, healthy sales consultants all here to help you find the Wonderful Widget of your dreams. Please visit us at www.wonderfulwidgetworld.com. And please listen carefully as our selections have changed.

Press 1 if you know the extension you wish to reach
Press 2 if you want our mailing address
Press 3 to find the Wonderful Widget World near you
Press 4 if you would like to receive our Wonderful Widget World catalogue
Press 5 if you would like to receive our Wonderful Widget World special offers
Press 6 if you would like to be taken off of our Wonderful Widget World mailing list
Press 7 if you would like to be on our Wonderful Widget World mailing list
Press 8 if you would like to contact the Wonderful Widget World Safety Council
Press 9 if you would like to contact the Wonderful Widget World International Charitable Foundation
Press 10 if you would like to speak with a sales consultant
Press 11 if you would like our Wonderful Widget World Directory
Press 12 to hear a recording of our happy, healthy Wonderful Widget World sales consultants singing, "We Are the World"
Press 13 if you would like to a receive complimentary photograph of the team building session at our annual Wonderful Widget World retreat
Press 14 to hear these choices repeated

The potential customer presses "10" wanting to speak with a sales consultant and buy some wonderful widgets.

Automated Telephone Attendant: Thank you for calling Wonderful Widget World. No one is available to take your call. Our sales consultants are all busy, busy, busy, busy helping other
customers. But, we're happy that you have called. Here you will find our total selection of Wonderful Widgets along with bargains galore and expert service from our happy, healthy sales consultants all here to help you find the Wonderful Widget of your dreams. Please visit us at http://www.wonderfulwidgetworld.com. Please listen carefully as our selections have changed.

Enough said.

Another Warm Lead

Guest blog by Wendy Weiss
Author of Cold Calling for Women: Opening Doors and Closing Sales
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

Saturday morning, I sat in my pajamas, sipping strong, black coffee and petting Ms. Kitty Cat. The telephone rang. Usually on a Saturday morning, I screen my calls, but this morning, expecting a friend, I picked up.

The caller was not my expected friend. She was a financial advisor from American Express. She asked if I had received the mailing I'd requested.

Wendy: I didn't request a mailing.

Caller: Did you receive a mailing?

Wendy: I don't know.

Caller: It was from American Express, outlining our financial products.

Wendy: I get a lot of mail.

Caller: So, you're not interested?

Wendy: You should read a book called "Cold Calling for Women."

Caller: This is a "warm call."

We said our good-byes as I choked back hysterical laughter. "Warm Call" … "Cold Call" … However else you might care to categorize it, this was a Failed Call!

I was a qualified prospect. I was not necessarily uninterested. What went wrong?

This caller wanted me, the prospect, to do all of the work. She assumed that because the call was (in her mind only!) a "warm call," I was interested in the products, knowledgeable about the products and ready to move to the next step. Nothing could have been further from the truth! She made no effort to entice or interest me—instead, we had a conversation about whether or not I had received sales literature! 

And then, moving from unbelievable to mind-boggling, this caller assumed rejection! (A standard closing technique is to "assume the sale" and proceed accordingly.) She had it backwards. Because I was not particularly interested in sales literature, she assumed without any questions or attempts to discover what my interests, wants or needs might be that I was saying "no."

This (non)sales process was also unwieldy. Evidently, someone else had originally called me—I don't remember—and sent out some sales literature—I don't remember. What a waste of time and resources! I guess American Express can afford it. You and I cannot!

So, here's the Master Plan for introductory calls:

1. Determine the goal of your phone call.
2. Set yourself up as an expert.
3. Articulate customer-centered benefits.
4. Ask for what you want (see #1 above—Determine the goal).
5. Use sales literature as a backup only. Do not use it as an introduction (see story above).

Asking the Right Questions

Guest blog by Wendy Weiss
Author of Cold Calling for Women: Opening Doors and Closing Sales
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

On an introductory call, how do you gather all of the information that you need from a prospect? An introductory call is usually fairly short, just a few minutes. You generally do not have the time to thoroughly question your prospect and then also move on to your next step, setting that introductory meeting. So, how do you gather enough information to qualify your prospect and, at the same time, set up the meeting?

First, make a list of all the information that you would like to gather from your prospect. Then, look at your list and decide what information is crucial and what information can wait for
later (either later in the conversation or later at the meeting). Ask the crucial questions first. Then, if your prospect is chatty, you can ask the rest of your questions. If your prospect
is brusque or to-the-point, ask the questions you need to ask, set the meeting date and save the rest of your questions till then. 

You should, as much as possible, "prequalify" your prospect. Find out as much about the prospect and prospect company as you can. Once you've done that, eliminate the questions to which you already have answers.

There is no reason to ask a prospect, "Are you the person who purchases…?" or "Are you the decision-maker?" If you have done your homework and prequalified your prospect, you should know the usual title of the decision-maker and/or in which area or department you will usually find that decision-maker. The rule is always to try to reach the highest level person whom you believe might be the decision-maker. If your decision-maker is usually found in the Human Resources area, ask for the Senior Vice President of Human Resources. When you have a conversation then, there is no need to ask, "Are you the decision-maker?" Of course
they are! Or they may have delegated that authority, and if so, they will tell you that and give you the correct name.

Ask questions that solicit relevant information. There is no need to ask a prospect, "Are you familiar with… (your company, your product/service)?" You won't be getting any useful information with this question. It really doesn't matter if they are familiar. If they say they are, it does not guarantee that they know everything they need to know to understand the value of what you are offering. If you want to make absolutely certain that your prospect does understand the value of your offer, you must tell them. If they are not familiar with your company, why then, you still have to tell them.

It is far better to simply stay in control of the introductory calling process by telling your prospect what you would like them to know. Ask your questions on a real "need-to-know" basis. Keep them short and to-the-point, and then ask for what you want.

Abducted by Aliens

Guest blog by Wendy Weiss
Author of Cold Calling for Women: Opening Doors and Closing Sales
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

There are situations where it is imperative to reach a particular prospect at a particular time. Perhaps you are trying to reach that prospect to introduce yourself, your company and your
products or services. Perhaps you are trying to reach a prospect to continue a conversation or to follow up on a next step in your sales cycle. You have tried everything. You have called
repeatedly at different times through out the day, you have left messages, you have sent emails. All with no response.

I offer here a last resort letter. When all else fails, try the Abducted by Aliens? letter. It goes like this:

February 7, 2005


Ms. Jane Jones
ABC Company
123 Main Street
Anywhere, USA

Dear Ms. Jones:

You may not know this, but I have been attempting to reach you, almost on a daily basis, for some time now, with no success. You are never available when I call, and clearly, you have been unable to return my phone calls. I am worried about you.

Have you been abducted by aliens?

If you have, and can somehow use the enclosed, pre-addressed, stamped envelope to notify me, I will notify the Coast Guard and alert the media and do everything in my power to obtain your release.

If, however, the problem is limited to a demanding schedule, I am writing to encourage you to call me when you have a free moment. Hopefully, the information I am enclosing will justify that call.

(Information about your company, product or service goes here.)

Don't you agree that if we can show you (Customer Benefit goes here), your time will have been well spent?

It would be nice to hear from you.

Sincerely,



Wendy Weiss
The Queen of Cold Calling & Selling Success


**With your letter, enclose a response card, something like this:

Ms. Wendy Weiss
The Queen of Cold Calling & Selling Success
412 West 25th St.
Suite 1F
New York, NY 10001

Dear Wendy:

You are right!
PLEASE HIGHLIGHT APROPRIATE RESPONSE:

--> Help! I have been abducted by aliens! Please do whatever you can to rescue me!

--> I have not been abducted by aliens. The next time you call, I will be available. I am looking forward to speaking with you!

--> The best time to reach me is ____________ at _______.(day) (time)

Please call me then. I am looking forward to speaking with you!

Sincerely,



Jane Jones

Amateurs

Guest blog by Wendy Weiss
Author of Cold Calling for Women: Opening Doors and Closing Sales
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

Recently I had a conversation with a friend of mine. She is a former, highly successful model who is now building a highly successful network marketing business. As we are both entrepreneurs, we talk a lot about our businesses, we egg each other on, give each other advice, commiserate.

My friend was feeling frustrated. "Amateurs," she said. "I'm tired of dealing with amateurs."

I knew what she meant. A professional is someone who shows up, no matter what. A professional is someone who gets the job done, no matter what. A professional is someone who does what she needs to do, when she needs to do it, no matter what. An amateur
is someone who lets circumstances, other people and emotions get in the way.

As my friend put it, "When you're a model, if you have a saggy butt, they tell you that you have a saggy butt. Then they tell you to go away. If you want it enough, you fix your saggy butt and go back."

I grew up in the ballet world. It's very much the same. You take class everyday with a teacher whose job it is to criticize you. The criticism is to help you improve, but some times it just
feels like criticism. You dance in front of a big mirror. This is so that you can criticize yourself. 

As an adolescent and even a young professional, I've been called "a cow" because of a few extra pounds. I've had teachers hit an errant arm or leg with a stick because that arm or leg was in the wrong position. (No, they weren't singling me out, they hit everyone.) I've lost dance jobs because I was too tall, too short, or had the wrong color hair. Those of you who read my book, "Cold Calling for Women," know that as a teenager I was not accepted into the renowned Harkness Ballet School because my back was too long. (They told my dad I was a very good dancer, but.) When I cut my hair short (it used to be down to my waist so that I could put it up in a classical ballet bun) I never again, got another job as a ballet dancer. And by the way, when you go to a dance audition they don't let you dance. They simply line you up and look at you and then start eliminating dancers. Once they're done eliminating, the dancers that are left get to actually dance.


When I first started doing sales training and clients would talk to me about rejection and fear of rejection I had no idea what they were talking about. As the years have gone by and I've
worked with more and more clients I do understand that those feelings are real.

Sales can be a tough world. Everyone will not love you or your product or service. Everyone will not say "yes." Sometimes in sales training brochures or on our web sites we get carried away and write, "Overcome every objection!" "Turn every 'no' into 'yes!'" The stark reality is that will not happen every time. Some prospects will say "no." A career in sales is not for the weak.

The key to success is what you do with that "no." You can allow it to stop you, or you can put it aside and continue on. The power is entirely yours. If there are people in the world having success doing exactly what you want to be doing, there is no reason that you cannot do it too. 

Being a professional starts with your mind set, that you believe in what you are selling and that you do not give other people, circumstances or even your own thoughts and emotions the power to stop you. Or as my friend put it, "If you want it enough, you fix your saggy butt and go back."

Valentine Tips

Guest blog by Dr. Jane Drew

Start practicing these tips now and create your best Valentine's Day ever!  And if you're
not in an intimate relationship right now, these tips will be priceless when you are. 

1. Little Things Are Big
Everyday kindnesses build good will in a relationship. Here are examples of thoughtful acts: pouring a cup of coffee, opening a door, clearing the table, saying "thank you," noticing small changes, smiling, looking directly at your partner, etc. Do these things often. You will feel wonderful because you're being generous to your loved one and he or she will feel cared for. These "little" things increase the size of your emotional bank account! 

2. The Magic of Touch
The largest organ of our body is our skin. Something magical and primal happens when we are touched with care -- we feel loved and connected. Remember to put your hand on top of her hand, put your arm around his waist. Just as passionate kisses convey your attraction, gentle kisses on the cheek convey tenderness. Holding hands, foot and back massages, a pat on the leg are demonstrations of your caring. S*e*x is a way to feel both deeply bonded and restored from the stresses of life. 

3. Look for the Best in Your Mate or Date
Studies show that in good marriages a person tends to have an overall, very positive concept of their partner. For example, when a man is rated on various strengths and qualities by his friends and by his wife, the happy wife rates the husband higher than the friends rate him. Look for and focus on the things you love and value in your mate. It makes everything better!

4. Keep the Foundation Strong
There is no doubt about it; we all live very busy lives these days. It's easy to let work, children, the house, the Internet and social engagements fill up every waking moment. However, if you want your relationship to stay strong, you must carve out time for one-on-one time together. How can you do this? You could take fifteen minutes to talk and connect when you both get home from work. You could have a weekly date night, go for a walk, play a game, or sit and talk by the fireplace. But you must keep the foundation strong or, without noticing, the house could weaken and crumble. 

5. Make It Safe
Both partners need to feel safe when they speak. When people are upset, this isn't easy... but here's a plan for how to listen and be heard. Agree to have one person be the listener and the other the speaker. The speaker shares his frustration a few sentences at a time. The listener repeats back only what the speaker has said. The listener keeps asking, "Is there anything more?" until the speaker is completely finished. Then trade places where the listener becomes the speaker. This helps both people slow down and feel understood. Both of you can then see
the other person has a different, but valid point of view.

6. Don't Assume - Check It Out
It is easy for all of us to see a behavior, hear certain words and assume what our partner meant by it (and usually it's not good!) I suggest that you check out with your partner what he meant rather than assuming he didn't call because he didn't care. Try saying something like this (in a calm tone): "I noticed you didn't call last night when you said you would. I felt
disappointed because I wanted to talk and connect. Would you tell me what happened?" 


7. Really Know Your Partner
Everyone wants to be known and loved for who they are -especially by their loved ones. To learn about your mate, pay attention to the details! Know his joys, likes, dislikes, fears and stresses. Find out about and remember the major events in her life. Know how he likes his coffee; know her favorite TV show. Pay attention to how he feels about his boss. One excellent way to get to know your partner is by playing a game called Let's Connect! (See information below.) Each of the eighty cards in this game has two or more questions or mini games... you'll have fun and know your partner much better.

8. No Criticism - No Blame
I've never met anyone who doesn't feel hurt by criticism; it's the human condition. So what can we do when we're frustrated? Stuffing our feelings in doesn't work either! Use this method: "When you... I feel..." In the "when you..." say what the person has said or done. In the "I feel..." use I-statements and talk about the feelings that came up for you -- feelings such as sad, hurt, frustrated, lonely. You are being vulnerable and letting your partner know what is going on with you. The purpose is to inform and become closer. You can also ask for what you want - just make sure it's not a demand (demands just don't work!)

9. Stay Connected
Being loved and connected is easy during pleasant and good times; yet it's even more important during hard times. The connection can be lost when we feel hurt, get too busy or bored. The "silent treatment" erodes connection. Notice when there's a disconnect, then do or
say something to reconnect. Use the speaker/listener method in #3 to ensure safety. If you are upset and need some time away, say, "I need to go out for a walk, but I will be back in 2 hours. I'll come find you and we can talk then." Your partner then feels connected and knows you'll be back to work it out. 

10. Create Your Own Rituals
Couples need a sense of shared meaning. Rituals are a great way to feel a sense of belonging and create meaning. The family gathering every Sunday for dinner is an example of a ritual. Create your own family traditions and customs for holidays. Toasting a loved one with a glass of champagne can be a birthday ritual. I suggest daily rituals with your partner. For example, hug and kiss before you leave for work. Every night before you go to sleep, you could ask each other, "What was the best part of your day?"