Is Your Marriage Ripe for an Affair?" Five Surprising Warning Signs What drives peoples to infidelity may surprise you. Selfless devotion is at the top of the list.

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Guest blog by Arleahand Morrie Shechtman

Quick, answer this question with the first thing that comes to mind: If you were worried that your spouse might stray, what would you do to prevent it? Maybe your knee-jerk response is: "I'd lose 20 pounds and upgrade my wardrobe." Or, "I would shower my spouse with expensive gifts." Or, "I would be extra attentive to my spouse so she would realize how good she has it." If your answer resembled any of those above, bad news: You're on the wrong track. You've bought into a common misconception about what causes affairs in the first place. 

Most people assume that people have affairs with someone more attractive, sexier, or richer than their spouse. Despite the clichés-the mid-life crisis situation where the husband runs off with his much younger secretary, for instance-that's not what infidelity is about. People who cheat generally choose someone busier and more goal-oriented than their current partner. Someone more interesting, in other words.

That's right. The harsh truth is that when one spouse strays, it's probably because the other spouse has become, well . . . boring. So your focus on your appearance or your desperate attempts to please your partner completely miss the point. 

Here are a few warning signs that your marriage may be ripe for an affair:

1. You don't challenge each other. Unconditional acceptance is a myth. Healthy marriages require a mutual willingness to challenge and be challenged. An "Oh, I'll let the little woman do whatever makes her happy" attitude is condescending and harmful. If your partner lounges around in her bathrobe watching TV every day and you say nothing, then you're not invested in her well-being. Maybe she's depressed. Maybe she's sick. Maybe she's succumbing to laziness. Regardless, the message that she gets loud and clear from your silence is that you don't care. Not only do you have the right to make reasonable demands on your partner, you have the obligation to do so.

2. You and your partner have become an amoeba. Getting married does not mean morphing into a single person with the same interests, hobbies, and friends. If you and your spouse do everything together, something's wrong. If your partner is not allowed to have a life of her own, she will eventually become resentful. Similarly, if you're over-interested in her life, wanting to know or be involved in every detail, she will feel intruded upon and smothered. True intimacy requires two people having independent lives, not two people living through each other. The best marriages are low-maintenance marriages.

3. One person selflessly lives for the other. Shechtman likes to tell the story of Bernard, a heart surgeon, and Stacy, the wife who selflessly devoted herself to him. She supported him through medical school. She stayed home and raised his kids. She prepared gourmet meals for him, often complete with heart-shaped ice cubes. And one day Bernard left Stacy for a disheveled photojournalist, two years his senior, who chastised him for stealing a cab she'd just hailed. Why? Because the photojournalist was interesting. Selfless devotion is boring. Bernard could have hired a housekeeper and a caterer. Gratitude for services rendered is no replacement for a stimulating partner. And by failing to cultivate a life of her own, Stacy deprived Bernard of that.

4. Everything centers on your children. It's easy to succumb to the temptation to make your kids the center of the universe. Don't. For too many parents, running kids to and from soccer practice, dance lessons, and weekend parties becomes an insidious dance of intimacy avoidance. When you are reduced to being little more than an appointment secretary or a taxicab for your children, there's precious little time to develop an identity, a life, of your own. Remember, children are temporary. One day they will grow up and leave and your marriage will still be there. More to the point, you'll still be there. So devote at least as much energy to your personal growth as you do to the social life of your kids. 

5. You don't have meaningful conversations with your spouse. Does the question, "How was your day?" unleash a monologue, a laundry list of activities, or a cacophony of complaints from you or your partner? If so, you're missing the point of communication. Quality communication is the heart of intimacy. (And you thought it was sex!) If you're confused about what constitutes a high-intimacy dialogue, here's a clue: It centers on feelings, not information. Instead of merely reporting to your partner what happened to you that day, tell her how it made you feel. Even if you have only ten minutes a day to talk to her, make those ten minutes count.

Interestingly, most of these warning signs are variations on a common theme: abandonment. If you don't care enough to become an interesting partner, if you don't challenge your spouse to "be all he can be," if you fail to connect with your partner emotionally, you might as well be a disinterested roommate. Abandoning your spouse is the first step to checking out of the relationship.

So what can you do to affair-proof your marriage? The answer can be summed up in three little words: Get a life. 

Set goals and work toward them. Immerse yourself in a career or activity that interests you. Don't just hop from one random activity to another. Have a vision of what you want your life to be and do something every day in pursuit of that vision. Take some risks. And challenge your spouse to do the same. Even if it causes some temporary discomfort, remember that a healthy marriage isn't about comfort zones and status quos. If you settle for comfort, your marriage will die.

There's one other point I would make. Create a rich, rewarding life for yourself and if your spouse did have an affair and ultimately leave you, you would be well-equipped to cope. Interesting people just have more resources, be they money, social connections, or potential new romantic partners. There are no guarantees in marriage. The only person you can count on to always be there is you. Being abandoned by a spouse is far preferable to abandoning yourself. 

Indulge Yourself! 20 Fantastic Ways To feel Fantastic

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Guest blog by Jennifer LB Leese

Don't let yourself come last! It's important for you to be able to indulge in things that are just for "you." You deserve it!

Important, how you ask?

Well, it is a known fact that having a relaxing, non-stressful moment in your day will ease your social life as a friend and companion. In doing so, you are more relaxed to deal with family issues such as: the kids fighting and screaming, your husband's personal and work related issues, not to mention all the housework waiting for you at the end of a long and tiring day. 

Ease your family life as a mother and lover and you'll be more productive in your work life. Your boss will thank you and so will your co-workers.

You will be able to think more clearly and you'll find that you are able to handle and to solve daily conflicts that may arise throughout your day. 

We all know that while driving in the car can be very stressful. Did you know that while listening to the radio in your car can be extremely relaxing? You can also get books on tape, or even no music and listening to the wind blow in through your window can be relaxing.
No matter what your job description may be or even if you're a "Work at Home Mom," "Working out of the House Mom," or a "Stay at Home Mom," you should always find a few minutes to cater to yourself. 

One important thing is to keep yourself well-adjusted. What is a well-adjusted woman? The answer of course, is different for everyone! We all do know that a well-adjusted woman isn't a super hero, cartoon character, or a mythical creature. She can't do everything on her own, and she certainly can't be expected to be able to deal with troubling issues with a level head, but she can try!

Even a well-adjusted woman who thinks she has her life together has mood swings, runs out of energy, and still has time to give to her children, her partner and her family. However, a well-adjusted woman should never allow herself to be neglected. In doing so, everyone suffers.
With that in mind, I have taken the liberty to include a few soothing, relaxing and enjoyable ways...for you to "Pamper Yourself."

 1. Enjoy being outside, sit, and watch the clouds go by.
 2. A warm, soothing bubble bath is always nice, any time of the day.
 3.Go for a leisure walk, by yourself or with your family.
 4. How about entering someone else's world for a while? Read a book, such as Ghost by Danielle Steel. Alternatively, watch a romantic, drama, or comedy movie. 
5. Make an appointment at your local salon to have a manicure or pedicure done. While you are there, have your hair shampooed and styled.
 6. I have found that sitting in a quiet room, reading a book to my children is another great way of relieving stress of a hectic day.
 7. Listen to your favorite music for a while, whether it's soft music, alternative, or even rap. Whatever enriches your soul and makes you feel good.
 8. How about going to flea markets or yard sales? You are sure to find something to take home and treasure. On the other hand, turn it into something new.
 9. Calling your best friend is another great way to make yourself feel good. Find out what's new; catch up on gossip or even just talk about old times.
10.Order dinner in tonight. Just sit back and wait for it to arrive.
11. Did you know that laughter is good for the soul? Moreover, that it is very contagious? Laugh and others are guaranteed to laugh with you.
12. Even just the simple task of lighting a scented candle can be fulfilling. Relax; let the aroma take you away.
13. Another good way to make you feel good is to order yourself a gift basket. How about freshly scented bubbles bath basket or even a romantic basket to share with your loved one?
14. Having a make over is very important also. Let someone else turn you into someone new for the day. You won't regret it.
15. Even a small shopping spree can make any woman feel good. Pamper yourself; buy yourself something you've always wanted.
16. Take a day all to yourself. 
17. Making crafts can be very enjoyable also. Start with something easy and build up from there.
18. If all else fails, then make an appointment to have a professional masseuse rub you down for an hour or more. That will surely release your tension. 
19. How about having a facial? You'll be surprised, you will leave there feeling relaxed, fresh and you'll be smiling for hours.
20. Find your favorite place to sit, whether it's at the park, your living room or even at the local library, and try writing about your day or write about whatever comes to mind. 

The key is to find something that relaxes you. Everyone is different. I've talked to some women that feel that kickboxing is a way of relaxing. They say that it helps them become the well-adjusted woman they should be. If you are one of these women, and feel that kickboxing is a great way of relieving tension then by all means, do it! More power to you!
You will have a better outlook on the things around you and in your daily routine. In addition, you will feel as though you are in better health and the people around you will benefit from you pampering yourself.

How Wives with Cheating Husbands Can Gain the Upper Hand

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Guest blog by Ruth Houston
Author of Is He Cheating on You? 829 Telltale Signs

Most wives with cheating husbands suffer in silence or tolerate their husband's infidelity. They feel they have no other alternatives, or don't know what else to do.

You don't have to sit back and be a helpless victim or be swept along with tide. There are things you can do to make the best of a bad situation and minimize the damage infidelity can cause.

You can take steps to protect yourself emotionally, sexually, legally and financially. You can work quietly behind the scenes to offset many of the negative consequences that result from infidelity and prepare yourself for what lies ahead.

Take control of the situation. Regardless of whether you ultimately decide to stay with your husband or leave him, the guidelines below will help you gain the upper hand.

Make sure infidelity is the problem you're dealing with.  Problems like drug or alcohol addiction or gambling often masquerade as infidelity because of similar telltale signs. Don't speculate, investigate. 

Face reality. 
Ignoring your husband's infidelity will not make it go away. It will only make things worse. He could become so attached to his mistress that it will be impossible to get your marriage back on track.

Speak up and take a stand. 
If you know he's cheating and say nothing about it, you're enabling his infidelity. Make it clear that you disapprove of what's going on and tell him you want it to stop. Not addressing his infidelity makes him think he has your silent approval or that you don't know what's going on.

Let him know you know. 
Affairs thrive in secrecy. If you've identified numerous telltale signs and have solid proof of your husband's infidelity, decide when and how to tell him you know about his affair. Sometimes just knowing his infidelity has been exposed will be enough to make him stop. 

Build a support team. 
You need someone to confide in about your husband's infidelity. Don't try to get through this alone. Surround yourself with people who care about you and have your best interests at heart. 

Realistically evaluate your situation. 
Consider your options. Is your marriage worth saving? Should you get a temporary separation? File for divorce? What is it in your (and your children's) best interest to do?

Seek counseling for yourself and for your marriage. 
You have a better chance of saving your marriage if you get professional help. You'll be better equipped to deal with the trauma of infidelity if you seek individual counseling, as well. 

Identify the underlying issues. 
Try to pinpoint the contributing factors to his infidelity - A life crisis? Major character flaws? Sexual addiction? Dissatisfaction with you or with the marriage? Or something else? Get to the root of the problem, if you can. 

Protect yourself sexually. 
Your husband's infidelity can have life-threatening consequences for you. If he's cheating, your health is at risk. You're already a victim of infidelity. Don't become a victim of HIV/AIDS too.

Find out your legal rights. 
Consult an attorney who specializes in matrimonial law. Get a clear understanding of what you're legally entitled to (alimony, child support, division of marital assets) in the event of a divorce or separation.

Put your financial house in order. 
Get a realistic view of your current financial situation and make the necessary adjustments. Establish credit in your own name. Set up a separate checking or savings account. Start putting money aside for a rainy day. 

Make sure you're equipped to earn a living. 
Many women remain in adulterous relationships because they're financially dependant on their husbands. If you need to, take college courses or start learning a trade to make yourself employable.

Prepare yourself mentally and emotionally. 
Accept the possibility that your marriage may end. Don't be caught off guard. Have an "Infidelity Game Plan" in place in case your husband decides to move out or ask for a divorce. Begin formulating your strategy now.

Break free of the bonds of infidelity. 
Focus your energy and efforts on the positive things you can do to make the best of a bad situation. Empower yourself by acting on these suggestions and you'll gain the upper hand.

© 2005 Ruth Houston

How Can We Put The Joy Back Into SEX?

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Guest blog by Susan Quilliam
Author of The Joy of Sex: The Timeless Guide to Lovemaking, Ultimate Revised Edition
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

It was a great day for me when I was first asked to reinvent the seminal sex book "Joy of Sex". The original - written by Dr Alex Comfort - was a groundbreaking work, coming as it did at the start of the sexual revolution of the 1970s; now I was being asked to revisit the work, update, rewrite and bring it into the twenty-first century.

And indeed, the years of work and the launch of the book have been absolutely rewarding. But it's dawned on me, gradually, that much has changed since the original publication 37 years ago. Sure, in those decades, we've become more liberated, more uninhibited, more able to have sex with who we want, when we want and in the ways we want.

But... but... I kept reading the original, with its energy and enthusiasm for lovemaking, its bright eyed optimism about a world where sex would be wonderful all the time.... And I kept looking around at the world of the Noughties, and realizing that optimism wasn't well-founded.

For many of us don't feel the joy of sex that we want to feel. Perhaps because we're more aware of the dangers - how easily sex can be misused, how easily it can be abused. Perhaps because there is more pressure to have sex, great sex, 24/7. Perhaps because in our lives, in our relationships, the pleasure has died... as my work on the book continued, and my understanding of the issues involved developed, I started to feel, strongly, that we need to reintroduce the joyfulness, the enthusiasm, the optimism, that - naively perhaps - was there, forty years ago, when Joy of Sex was first written.

Let's be sex positive

There are in our society so many warnings against sex - often for good reason. But let's also remember that in its essence, between two loving and responsible adults, sex is a wonderful thing. It builds physical health, improves mental health, boosts self esteem, possibly lowers the risk of some kinds of cancer; it even helps you live longer. 

Let's make sex anxiety free

One of the most practical and straightforward things we can do to have joyful sex is to remove all the anxiety from it. Reliable contraception reliably used, reliable protection reliably used; then we can relax and enjoy what follows. Being well-informed about safe sex, getting - and giving - the support we need to have sex safely. 

Let's make sex central

We live time-poor lives, where we have to work long hours to make ends meet, and then rush from one demanding commitment to another. Let's take time out for ourselves, to make love with a partner. The most recent research suggests that carving out a weekend every few months can reignite our desire for each other. No more excuses; we need to do it.

Let's make sex meaningful

What we now know - where perhaps in the 'sexual revolution' they didn't - is just how powerful sexual contact is. It binds you to a partner, creates a link between you that always remains even if the two of you don't stay together - when you make love, you do just that. Let's take sex seriously, and treat it with respect.

Let's make sex varied

We can fall into the trap of thinking that we know what we like sexually - and what our partners like. But tastes change, and routines normalize. So why not keep checking in with ourselves and with each other whether what 'always works' still does. And why not introduce new options, new moves, new possibilities; the Japanese kept a 'pillow book' of ideas by the bed to inform and inspire, and we can do the same.

Let's make sex fulfilling

It can be - particularly for her - that climax gets put to one side. Over time, perhaps it becomes acceptable that she doesn't orgasm every single time. The ideal is that both of us should do so most times we make love - if that's not happening, no wonder the joy is seeping away. Learn how to make that happen...

Let's troubleshoot if we need to

Sexual problems of some sort hit most couples - it's no shame if you are struggling. Age is no bar to good sex (recent research suggests sex gets better with the years) but can create physical or emotional blocks. So let's not be ashamed to go to a health practitioner if desire, or performance drops away. We have a right to lifelong sexual pleasure.

As for me, I've been commissioned to write more books in the Joy of Sex series, and to lecture on sex-positive programs in education and health contexts. In short, I feel that as my writing of Joy of Sex has come to an end, my campaign to reintroduce the joy to people's sex lives has only just begun. 

FENG SHUI FOR LOVE: 9 Decorating Mistakes That Could Be Preventing Cupid From Coming To Your Home

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Guest blog by Laura Forbes Carlin and Alison Forbes Sow

Wondering when Cupid is going to find his way to you?  Assess your situation and figure out what is detouring Cupid from visiting your home. Maybe your home is too cluttered with mementos of past loves and he can’t get in. Or perhaps you're sending him the wrong message by decorating for one! But by simply pulling out your iPhone and making some quick adjustments, you can have an enormous impact on whether or not Cupid strikes on that special date.

Feng Shui, an ancient Chinese approach to arranging our surroundings, shows us how our homes influence and shape all aspects of our life. In Feng Shui, there are nine areas of your life, including your love life, that are represented energetically in your home. Depending on what furniture and accessories you have in each spot, you could be helping or hurting the corresponding part of your life. So if your love area is where the bathroom is, it’s no wonder your relationships keep going down the drain! 

Ex-Files: Avoid filling your home with pictures, letters, and belongings from an ex. Letting go of photographs, letters, and mementos from past relationships can present a challenge. Sometimes spending time with intimate memories from your past can be a healing and empowering experience. However, if looking at these photographs and letters is not helping, or if they are keeping you tied to someone who is no longer in your life, then it’s time to let them go. Instead, surround yourself with things that reinforce who you are now and where you're headed.

Home For One: Many singles often have a bedroom set up for one person (i.e., one bedside table, one reading lamp, one pillow) or the long side of the bed is pushed up against a wall so only one person can enter the bed comfortably. While it is important to accept and embrace where you are now, it is also necessary to make some space for a partner. Create a room for two people — both symbolically and physically make space for your future partner. Set up your bedroom for two by adding the extra bedside table and lamp. Check the other rooms in your home as well. Is there a comfortable place for two to hang out? 

Immature Decorating: Rooms that look they are designed for girls and boys rather than men and women are a real turn-off. If you are a man, avoid the “college frat room look” or the “bachelor pad” (i.e. mattress on the floor, futons, shot glass collections, high school trophies, dirty dishes in the sink, clutter everywhere, etc.) If you are a woman, avoid a room or apartment that resembles your childhood room (i.e. doll collections, stuffed animals on the bed, too much lace or pink, sorority signs, baskets of dried flowers, furniture that looks like it is meant for teenagers not adults).

Solitary Items or Groupings of Three: Create a home that re-enforces the idea of togetherness and a couple by pairing objects in your home together. Lots of lone objects can represent loneliness and groups of three may represent one too many people involved in your relationship.

Excessive Pictures: An abundance of photos showing friends, family, and other people’s children, as well as too many pictures from one particular time in the past (such as college), can divert focus away from your own life and the present moment. Create space for new people in your life and a new “best time of your life” by creating room for new photos.

Unfinished or Temporary-looking Homes: Many people hold off on decorating or buying a home until they're married or living with someone. They don’t buy expensive or nice things because they want to wait until they have a “real” home (which, of course, is frequently associated with getting married, registering for gifts, and buying a house). By surrounding yourself with things you don’t love, are not in good condition, or that you feel are second-rate, you’re subconsciously telling yourself that you don’t deserve better. It’s important to invest in yourself now and embrace the present moment. By doing so you are sending a message to the universe, as well as yourself, that you are worthy. You are also accepting where you are now, which often leads to change.

A Television in the Bedroom: Ideally, the bedroom should serve only two purposes: rest and romance. Yet, because of laptops, televisions, and phones, bedrooms are often more like media rooms than sensual and peaceful retreats. Don’t let a television replace a partner in your life.

By implementing Feng Shui and enhancing these areas in your home, the corresponding area in your life will be enhanced as well. “A lot of people don’t believe it until they try it for themselves,” said Alison Forbes, one of the co-authors of the app. “Once you see your home through the eyes of Feng Shui, it changes everything, and it works! A few of our clients have even toasted Feng Shui at their weddings!” 

While Feng Shui in the past has meant hiring a consultant or doing a lot of in-depth reading, using Feng Shui For Love is as simple as moving your iPhone around a space — it shows you, live, which areas of the room are which – and the rest of the app gives you the perfect enhancements to make Cupid want to take up permanent residence in your home.

More information on the app is available at: http://www.inspiredeverydayliving.com/inspired-living-apps/!

Female Friendly Erotica

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Guest blog by Nancy Madore
Author of Enchanted: Erotic Bedtime Stories For Women (Erotic Fiction) 

In these times of sexual openness and honesty, more and more women are revealing that they are not satisfied sexually. This dissatisfaction has opened up a whole new industry for treating what we now call sexual dysfunction. Women in huge numbers are coming forward with a wide range of sexual problems, and there are all kinds of statistics being gathered in relation to what this means. I read somewhere that possibly as many as 70% of women suffer with some kind of sexual dysfunction. Not surprisingly, to me at least, was the discovery that these dysfunctions manifest themselves most often in the form of lack of desire.

This new wave of sexual dysfunction awareness is particularly satisfying for me. I have always wondered over the supposed indifference women appear to have towards the media's presentation of sex and sexual material. To my mind, sex in the media more often than not appeals to men while ignoring women almost entirely. It seems to take the position that sex is for guys, and women are only involved to please them. The most offensive thing about this, for me, is women's silence about it.

Officially, no definitive connection has been made between women's sexual dysfunction and our culture's presentation of sexual material. But this lack of corroboration doesn't dissuade me from my opinion that the most common sexual dysfunction complained about by women, lack of desire, is most certainly linked to the way sex that is presented in our media. It is a natural deduction once you put together the facts we do know. We know, for example, that women and men are sexually stimulated by different things. And it also generally agreed that women need to feel sexy in order to enjoy sex. With just these two factors in mind, how is it possible that a woman wouldn't be turned off by images and ideas that either alienate her or put her down? 

Years ago, when I first noticed the negative effects this kind of media was having on me personally, I started filtering what I exposed myself to. I can truly say, for example, that I haven't looked inside a beauty magazine in over twenty years. I am also choosy about what I will spend my leisure time watching on television. Nearly all advertisements are totally off limits, and I've noticed that companies selling women's products are the most abusive. Without these negative influences, my own 'dysfunctions' have long since disappeared.

The irony here is that men are actually far less discerning than women in regards to sexual material. They are just as likely to find one sexual stimulant as effective as another. What's more, their sexuality tends to be more readily active even without the overabundance of stimuli and, finally, there is no potential harm to their libidos when the stimulant is directed toward the women (quite the opposite, in fact). So in appealing to women, the media has a wonderful opportunity to double their audience and entertain both genders at once. HBO's Sex in the City was a great example of this. Most of the men I know liked this show as much as women did. For advertisers, this kind of thinking could bring about a tremendous boost in sales. For some reason, they are hung up on the idea that women will buy more products if they are made to feel like they are not good enough without the products. I think their wrong about this. But it is really up to women as individuals to make a statement to the industry through their buying. If the advertisements for a product make you feel bad about yourself, why would you buy it?

Part of the problem is one of habit, but the other part is of ignorance and laziness. Most advertisers and writers appeal to men because it is simpler. They don't know how to appeal to women. Women are undeniably more difficult to excite sexually than men are. It takes more finesse and sensitivity. One of the biggest differences between men and women, for example, is that men seem to prefer visual stimulation, while visual stimulation can actually act as a deterrent to women, especially when it is presented in a way that intimidates them. It is intimidating and off putting for women to be faced with images that are unrealistic and unnatural, especially when those images are presented as superior. It threatens their sexuality to be faced with the concept that they are not, and could never be, truly sexy. One of the more obvious examples of this is the Victoria's Secret commercial that asks, "What is sexy?" and proceeds to present images of unnaturally thin women whose bodies have been surgically augmented so that they have curves in the "right" places. I would like to mention to whoever wrote that commercial that I personally know women who have suffered with years of depression and isolation and yes, sexual abstinence, because their bulimia did not make them feel sexy. I also know it was not considered sexy by their boyfriends and husbands. I could also tell you about women who suffered terrible repercussions and health issues from implant surgeries gone bad. These things are not sexy in the least, and frankly, I find it a bit arrogant of this company to suggest that they are an authority on what is sexy. From their commercials I am confident that there is nothing they could offer me in the way of lacy undergarments that could repair their thoughtless damage to my self image were I to actually believe their advertisements of what sexy is. Needless to say, I don't shop there. But unfortunately, scores of women do flock to their stores to try and capture this illusive "sexy" that they, like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, actually have had in their possession all along. The products sold at Victoria's Secret could bring out and enhance a woman's natural sex appeal, but it cannot produce it. Instead of browbeating women into thinking something is missing without their products, Victoria's Secret might sell even more products if they were to encourage women to simply enhance that unique part of themselves and have a little fun with it. I know that I would be more interested in seeing what they have to sell if they presented it that way to me.

The media overall is obsessed with presenting sex as if they were re-inventing the wheel. They want to project an image or idea that is better than anything real life has to offer. This translates to many women as there being a deficiency within themselves. I will agree that women are far too influenced by the media, but I can't for the life of me understand why women are buying products from companies who do this. Still, I strongly believe that these companies would sell even more products if they took a different approach.

In my first book, Enchanted; Erotic Bedtime Stories for Women, I conducted an experiment on this by intentionally leaving out all visual images of my female characters. I did this for several reasons. First and foremost, I wanted to focus on erotic behaviors and sexual fantasies-and not on appearances, especially stereotypes. Besides this, I wanted my readers, who I anticipated would be women, to be able to imagine themselves in the staring role. I wasn't certain that it could be done. Almost every type of sensual material I have found, from porn to romance novels feature, as their central focal point, a heroine that is, more times than not, over the top in physical perfection and/or performance. This has always acted as a distraction to me, so I thought perhaps it might be the same for others. And as it turns out, most women who have read my book did not even seem to notice that the images were missing. Even more surprisingly, men who read the book have told me that they did not miss the visual images either, and that they found the stories exciting without them. I found this remarkable.

The most obvious characteristic of erotica that is designed for women is that the subject matter appeals to and interests them. That is why in Enchanted; Erotic Bedtime Stories for Women, each fairy tale is re-written around a popular women's fantasy. In my next book, The Twelve Dancing Princesses, each princess overcomes a common sexual dysfunction. And yet, as straight forward as writing for women may sound, it presents a challenge. Sexual fantasies and dysfunctions alike can be extremely complex and contradictory. I found, for example, that many women take on a submissive role in their fantasies. This can become a paradox, though, even for the women who is fantasizing this way. After the fantasy, she can suffer with feelings of guilt and shame over the things it gave her pleasure to fantasize about moments before. Quite naturally then, there is bound to be censure when someone else entirely puts those fantasies down on paper. It has become more accepted since Nancy Friday's books, but even so, there will always be offense taken when a woman is portrayed in any way as being subjugated. Interestingly, my research revealed that dominance, when dispensed in an effort to please, is one of the most liberating experiences a woman (or man) can be subjected to. The submissive is generally the coveted role. But even more to the point, how can women be empowered sexually if they truly can't 'let go' in the bedroom? This is just one example of how it takes a thoughtful, careful hand to write to women, and even then there will be some women who are offended. My worst critics were feminists, and I found it perplexing that women would be so critical of a genuine, thoughtful effort on their behalf, while completely cowering under the open disregard for them in other aspects of the media. I suppose the effort in itself opens one up to critique. The idea is that women can help the evolution of a true sexual revolution for them by showing support for efforts to achieve it. 

Writing female friendly erotica is most certainly a challenge, but it could be very rewarding for writers and advertisers alike to tap into this market. Now especially, as more and more is learned about sexual dysfunction in women, it becomes apparent that there is actually a need for erotica for women. Doctors are already saying that erotica can be a wonderful tool to help get women in the mood. 

In closing I would like to say that I personally think that calling lack of desire a 'sexual dysfunction' is, in and of itself, a lack of understanding of women. Once again, we are being compared to men. Women are not machines, and the combination of forces working against women's sexual health, along with the everyday stresses of life, make it really more normal for women to not be in the mood than otherwise. It should be expected that women would need to relax and encourage the mood to achieve it, thereby taking charge of their sexual life and any 'problems' therein. 

Dreams and Relationships

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Guest blog by Linda Miles Ph.D
Author of The New Marriage: Transcending the Happily-Ever-After Myth
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

In order to use dreams for the benefit of an intimate relationship, the dreams must be recorded; otherwise, most will be forgotten or distorted over time.

There are many formats for recording dreams; the one we use, which you may modify to suit yourself, is based upon the stages of analysis. We divide the page into three columns. In the first , we write down what happened in the dream, without judgment or any attempt at interpretation. At this stage, attempting to "understand" the dream may interfere with its proper recollection. In the second column, we write down any association with the dream's contents (people in the dream, things that happen, where the dream occurs, objects that appear, etc.). We also note any key-word symbols, and follow the associations freely. In the third column, we place ourselves back in the dream and write down the feelings/emotions we experienced at each stage.

Here is an example of a recorded dream:

Dream Date: ______________________

Dream Title (written later) _____________________________________________________

Dream Associations Feelings:
I was chasing Rick Baseball bat-weapon, Anger, rage, strength
with a baseball bat strong

Rick (Tony's best friend) abrasive, loud, insensitive

I hit Rick several times until he TV-source of contention Satisfaction yelled: "Stop! I'll turn the TV off!" between Tony and me

Dating the dream is important: it provides a context for reference. You may find that dreams remain with you for many years.

After completing each column, we review it, ask what insights have been gained from it, and write them down. We also trace our behavior and actions in the dream; for example, are we standing still or are we moving in a particular direction? Are we behaving passively, aggressively, assertively? We give ourselves permission to feel any emotion that might have emerged from the dream. At the same time, we ask ourselves, "Am I confronting what needs to be confronted here? Does the dream show action or inaction creating a better or worse situation for ourselves and others?" Finally, when we feel we understand what the dream has to tell us, we ask, "How would we rather have interacted?" The answer can be used to rewrite the dream, creating a new one in which we interact with the dream images and symbols in a better, more satisfying way. The process helps to create new patterns of interacting in our daily lives.
Except in the presence of a trusted therapist, it is probably best not to reveal your dreams if your partner is not willing to listen to them nonjudgmentally or carries a grudge about your relationship, i.e., if he or she does not have "soft eyes." Revealing your dreams to someone else requires trust, and should only be done with someone who holds you and your dreams as "a sacred trust and a wonderful adventure."

Here are some guidelines for sharing dreams with your partner:

·*Write down your dreams and explore them in the manner outlined before sharing them.
·*Don't share your dreams without permission. If your partner seems resistant, explore the reasons. If resistance is still there, honor it.

Tell your partner what you want from her or him as a listener. For example: "I want you to listen and then ask questions that will help me explore the dream message further." These may be questions like: "How did you feel when you fell down?"; "Have you ever felt like that in normal life?"; "Does the person who pushed you remind you of someone?"; "How would you change the dream if you could?"; "How would you change your way of interacting in it?" Questions like these are usually more helpful than for your partner to attempt to interpret your dream.

When you share your dream, make sure you have your partner's undivided attention. Ask for what you need. If time is not available immediately, see if you can set up another time during the day.

If sharing your dream with your partner seems unhelpful at any point, explore what the reasons might be. Honesty is paramount, but you will have to be understanding of your partner's lack of expertise. You must also appreciate that issues raised by the dream may be sensitive for both of you. It will be a chance to be caring and compassionate in return.

If your attempt to share your dream fails, there will probably be other people in your life who will be interested in sharing dreams with you.

Dreams are catalytic, stirring personal responses in listeners as well as dreamers. It is only normal that a partner will occasionally want to interpret a dream. When this happens, ask yourself honestly if you want to hear someone else's interpretation. The chances are that it will be different from your own but it is unrealistic to expect anything else. You might find it helpful to ask your partner what they would be exploring if the dream was theirs.

Ultimately, dreams are a mystery. Since they are featured in the earliest known writings, we know that people were speculating about the origins and meanings of dreams as far back as 2000 BC. But the key to understanding dreams has not yet been found. We do know, however, that dreams are sometimes prophetic. They can tell us about daily events that happen to people we know, as well as earthshaking events that affect everyone. At other times, they communicate, on a literal or symbolic level, messages that help us understand our thoughts, feelings, and interactions more clearly. Sometimes they provide us with affirmations that stay with us for the rest of our lives.

Dreams have been regarded as sacred in almost every religious tradition. As you begin to share your dreams with your partner, you are embarking on a venture into a "sacred realm," a miraculous realm. Think of your dreams in this manner and they will gain in richness and depth. You will feel united with your partner, other people, and all of creation. You will dwell within the mystical way.

An excerpt from The New Marriage: Transcending the Happily-Ever-After Myth ©2000 by Drs. Linda and Robert Miles (Publisher: Cypress House). 

Jung, C. G., Dreams. Trans. by R. F. C. Hull (Princeton, N.J.: Princeton University Press, 1974).
Jung, C. G., Man and His Symbols (Garden City, New York, Doubleday, 1964).
Jung, C. G., Memories, Dreams, Reflections. Aniela Jaffe, ed. (London: Collins Fontana Library, 1967).
Jung, C. G., Portable Jung, Joseph Campbell, ed. (New York: Viking Press, 1971).

Dating for Grownups: The Invisible Older Woman

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Guest blog by June Marshall
Author of The Dirty Seven: Ladies Beware!
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

Adults and Dating

Most magazines, books, and discussions about dating center on the younger age groups in our population. But everyone in this nation is not between the ages of 16 and 21. We all know women, including ourselves, who have been divorced or widowed after many years of marriage. We also know busy women who bypassed the dating scene as they built their careers. Now these women are out in the dating marketplace. What are they finding? They are finding that they have to be careful about whom they take into their lives. The fantasy and the reality of dating are two different issues. 

Relationship Books

Most books and magazines on dating and relationships deal with the subject of attracting, understanding, or keeping a man. Cosmo with its articles about turning on and attracting Mr. Right, Glamour with its numerous articles on fascinating him in bed, Venus and Mars trying to understand each other in and out of the bedroom, The Surrendered Single, are just a few examples of the many. But what if the man is not worth attracting, understanding, or keeping? The books and magazines do not treat the subject of standards and selectivity because it is too real and sounds depressing. Fantasy sells more products than reality. So we only see the beginning of the fairy tale, not the day-to-day truth of living with another human being. We do not see the stabilized middle of the story, nor do we see the ending, which is often unpleasant.

Movies and TV

The visual media are no different, with superficial TV shows that have total strangers marrying each other based on appearance and the hope of financial gain. Shows like "Who wants to Marry a Millionaire," "Joe Millionaire," "Married by America," "The Bachelor," and "The Bachelorette" do not focus on the actuality of living with someone's character and personality traits on a daily basis. Movies like "Serendipity" show a couple falling madly in love based on a few moments of chitchat at a glove counter. Now their destiny is eternally intertwined. All of these shows and movies display the courtship dances of the twenty-something set but they fuel the dreams of people of all ages. It is "Miss America" meets "The Dating Game" and the nation is entranced by the illusion.

The Invisible Older Woman

Books, magazines, and movies find little glamour in a woman who is past 30, 40, or 50. Thus, we do not see or have a chance to comprehend the true dating experiences of the older woman in mass- market presentations. If we do, that too is romanticized, as in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding," where once again we see the elaborate ceremony and what leads up to it, but not the happily- or unhappily-ever-after. The heroine is a whole 30 years old (!) and definitely behind schedule in her culture's marriage expectations. But what about the millions of women who are over 60 and 70, even over 80 and are actively seeking male companionship? The media ignores them. There is something slightly distasteful about thinking of sex and the older woman. 

Landmine Dating

The general population does not know that the incidence of AIDS in people 50 and older is growing at a rate twice as fast as for people younger than 50, according to statistics released by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (apparently thanks to Viagra). The elderly man cavorts with an infected partner and brings it back to his senior girlfriend. They do not use condoms because they are past the age of pregnancy. AIDS is just one of the landmines waiting to explode in an older woman's face if she enters the dating game equipped with fairy tale dreams of romance instead of an understanding of the realities. 

"There are a lot of men who are over 70, have a lot of money and are out dating a lot of younger women and not using condoms," says Anita Finley, a gerontologist and radio talk-show host in South Florida, where she also publishes the magazine Boomer Times. "They don't get it. They were married and didn't have to use protection for so long. It's so obvious, but they're playing Russian roulette." 

Condo Casanovas

Such behavior, conscious or not, puts senior citizens at risk, say health educators who participate in the statewide Senior HIV Intervention Project in Florida. They cite a widespread use of prostitutes by senior citizens and the presence in retirement communities of so-called "Condo Casanovas," or men who take advantage of an environment in which women outnumber men by 7 to 1. With that level of competition for a man's affection, typically after decades of marriage and a healthy sex life, many women are reluctant to demand that their partner use a condom, experts say. 

Expensive Guys

In The Dirty Seven: Ladies Beware! I describe the seven types of dead-end mates that women of any age would do well to avoid. But one type in particular costs the older woman more financially and socially than any other: He is a related species to the Condo Cassanova, known as OLMan (Old Loser Man). OLMan calculatingly offers his lonely prey flattery and attention, compliments, flowers, and romance. He expects financial gains as his reward but does not explicitly state it. It's just that his wardrobe can use some renewal and he comes up short on money when he takes her out to dinner so she pays. His teeth need fixing and she loves him so much, she'll fork over the thousands to get them capped. He costs the woman socially because her friends feel alienated and awkward when they try to warn her that he is taking advantage. One of his traits is that he wants to isolate the woman from family and friends so he can be the sole influence on her activities and expenses. The family is dismayed when every time they visit Mom, he is there too.

Far-away Mom

Sometimes the woman's family does not live near enough for frequent visits. The family finds out after it is too late that Mom has fallen prey to one of these parasites. After her death they find family heirlooms missing and discover evidence of large expenditures on him. He has been known to sue the woman's estate for breach of promise because Mom promised him money on her death and the heirs have withheld it. Something similar happened to my friend Rachel's mother. In Rachel's own words, "The healing process after my mother's death took on dire aspects. She had been 'dating' or seeing a male suitor, or so she thought. Turns out he was no suitor but a crook, of the worst kind, those who prey on elderly, single women. Once my father died, this guy moved in on her. Trouble is, he turned out to be an extortionist, and cost me an additional 2 1/2 million dollars in estate tax fees. It's a long story, but it had to do with him taking her dancing and telling her she was beautiful and her believing every word he said."

OLMan Example

Robert is another good example of an OLMan. He met Estelle at church. He was looking for a rich widow to take care of him and Florida was full of them. He portrayed himself as a humble man, devoted to God and religion. Estelle was ecstatic. Finally she met a man who would read the scriptures with her and discuss the world of the spirit. She saw the lonely widows sitting in the church with no male companionship, keeping themselves busy with tales of their grandkids and past lives. "I don't want to be like that. I want a guy I can take walks with and share life with. This man is a gift from God and I am going to accept it."

It wasn't long before he asked her to marry him. Nobody else had come around with marriage offers. She said, "Yes." He moved in with her, since she had an upscale condominium on the beach and he lived in what he called his "motor home" in a trailer park.

But after she married him, Estelle found out that he knew nothing about the religion he professed and did not study the scriptures the way he said he did. He could barely read, no less discuss ideas. Now she understood why she had to read the menus for him in restaurants. She thought it was because he couldn't see them. No, instead of sharing life with her, he lay around the house watching reruns of Seinfeld and Mary Tyler Moore, and ordering her to bring him cold drinks. The rest of the time he spent napping and spending her money.  

She felt trapped. She was upset with herself that she had been taken in by his act. He, however, was pleased. He had gotten his quarry and he knew it would be expensive to get rid of him. He outlived her. When Estelle died, her children were aghast at how much he cost the family. In two days, he had already moved on to another woman, in his words, "The prettiest one in the Condo!"

Prevention: Awareness

As with all complex problems, there is no easy solution to the challenges the 50+-year old woman faces in the dating environment. Many factors, including: fear of loneliness, love of fantasy and romance, wanting to feel loved, needed and wanted by a man, and wanting to feel sexually attractive, drive the woman into the arms of the Condo Casanova or OLMan. These powerful feelings are not easily wished away. The only answer is awareness: Firstly, awareness of the health risks involved in this particular age group. Regardless of how distasteful the subject to the youth-glutted media market, people need to be aware of this matter of life or death. Secondly, women must also be aware of the scam artistry of predatory segments of the male population. They must be aware of how many women are victims to their formulaic come-ons. Most women involved with OLMen or Condo Casanovas, in hindsight, prefer a little loneliness now and then to the unhappiness of being duped by a con artist or ending up with a fatal disease. 

Daring or Desperate? Why Women Cheat

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Guest blog by Frances Cohen Praver, PhD
Author of Daring Wives: Insight into Women's Desires for Extramarital Affairs

Women's choice to cheat is both daring and desperate. A desperate plea for help and a daring catalyst for change in their marriage or their own selves, the affair is serious stuff. Not just fun. Let's take a peak at a few wives with whom I have worked

Not that she doesn't have a handsome, successful husband. Not that she doesn't have two adorable children. Not that she doesn't have a beautiful home with two acres of land. Debra, a stay-at- home mom, seems to have it all. But does she? Actually home sweet home is not so sweet. Humdrum days - food shopping, cooking, cleaning and carting her kids around - go on and on. She feels trapped, bored, powerless, and lonely. To top it off Debra's husband doesn't get it. He's too busy trying to get ahead to get into her. Along comes an attentive, sexy admirer and bingo!

A devoted loving mother and wife, Sarah has also carved out a successful career. In a perfect world, she would have the best of both worlds - work and motherhood. In our less than perfect world, she does not. She lets me know "I'm stressed out and ready to explode." Her guilt about leaving her children propels her into overdrive at home. To top it off, our effective firecracker at work can't get a charge out of her husband. He does not help nor does he understand her desires or needs. At work, Larry does.

Scrappy, sexy generation X, Mary is determined not to follow in her mother's footsteps. Her martyr mom settled for a secure, dependent, and devoted dull husband, but Mary won't. Mary desires committed love in marriage, security, children and comfort, all that good stuff. A little like her mom? Not exactly. Mary desires more from her marriage. Along with love, she longs for lust, romance, excitement, and passionate hot sex in her marriage. Sociopolitical history, pop culture, and family history entwine and strangle her strivings. Unshackling from her corseted past, Mary breathes freely. Air borne of desire carries the wings of surprise. To her surprise, she sees clearly that her husband is not doing it for her. So what's a restless young wife to do? She finds a sensitive, sexy lover who promises all. 

As you can see from the above vignettes women have affairs primarily because they're not getting their needs and desires met in their marriages. Try as they may, wives are often unable to reach their husbands. 

Rather than remaining stuck in dead or frictional marriages and existing in quiet desperation, discord and anguish, these daring wives choose to live more fully. Despite temporary pain, the affair is often a far better option than a life not lived. An awaking, an urgent cry for change, the affair has multiple meanings. Above all, it's a desperate move towards a fuller richer life with love.

Feeling stifled, unfulfilled, frustrated, and helpless in their marriages, they step outside of their marriages. Taking the step is in itself empowering. The affair is a daring active choice, not a more-of- the-same passive response. It screams out loudly "Enough! Something's got to give, either the marriage or me." That's only the first step to autonomy and power. It takes a daring wife to have an affair but an even more daring wife to go into therapy to repair her self and/or the marriage. 

What about the children? People often stay in unsatisfactory marriages for the sake of the children. That's a fallacy. Parents in miserable marriages only make for miserable children. The legacies for these children are blighted models of marital relationships, and unfulfilled, powerless mothers. The affair, while not necessarily the most prudent choice, is nevertheless an act of empowerment. Instead of a weak, dependent or embittered mother, the children now have a stronger, more independent, and fulfilled female role model. 

A common myth is that the affair is about sex. It is not. For the most part, sex was better at home before romance eroded. Screaming fights or silent simmering hostility erodes romance and distinguishes the flames of passion. Chances are that problems in your sex life are not about the quality, but the quantity. Fighting to the death or suffering in silence kills sexual desire for most wives. And there's less and less sex in the marriage. 

If insufficient sex is the result of unsatisfactory marriages and affairs the result of unhappy marriages, what are the causes? What do wives want? It isn't only that they desire emotional engagement. It isn't only that they desire sexual passion. It isn't only that they desire safety and protection along with autonomy and independence. I have found that wives want mutuality, equal power relationships, and recognition from their husbands. Devotion, love, and commitment without passionate sex, fun, and excitement is the steak without the sizzle. For wives to feel sexy they need the sizzle. 

While the affair may be a last resort, engaging in therapy can be the beginning of a fresh new start. Coming to terms with our demons may be difficult, but we can do it. As women we've suffered and overcome the pains of childbirth, oppression, and the double standard. Over the years we've suffered and only grown stronger.

Our childhoods and marriages in the foreground are inextricably bound with socio politics, pop culture, and feminism in the background. Examining the strands of our interior and exterior forces can be daunting. Above all it can be a fascinating life enhancing experience. 

Consciousness In A Relationship

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Guest blog by Linda Miles, Ph.D.
Author of The New Marriage: Transcending the Happily-Ever-After Myth
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

"...together our minds fuse into something whose power is far beyond the power of its separate parts." 
- From A Course In Miracles

For intimate couples, it is important to be aware of the energy that is created between partners during the romantic phase of their relationship. This energy is greater than the sum of the parts. It shines brightly and life is viewed as a beautiful kaleidoscope - catapulting them to a higher consciousness. Jungian analyst, Robert Johnson, observed that falling in love is meant to be an initiation into a world much greater than the individual-an introduction to the ideals of love, truth, and beauty that transcend ordinary life. Unfortunately, we are not usually mindful of this energy or how to manage it.

During the romantic phase, partners view each other in an idealized manner. They perceive only beauty, goodness, and love in each other and the world. They do not perceive any differences between themselves and their partner.

In time, when couples become aware of differences and faults in one another, they fail to realize their partner is a symbol and a catalyst for the poetry of life. Months or years later when they are entrenched in a power struggle, their partner becomes a cardboard cut-out on which they now project threatening characters from their own past. Such perceptions launch soulless, automatic, rigid, right-wrong games that separate partners from one another and from the positive transcendent potential of their combined consciousness. 

At this stage of the relationship, the destructive tendency of the partners is to focus on the individual differences instead of the creative potential of their combined consciousness. Most of us can recall times when we have walked into a room and felt the negative energy lingering after a couple had a fight.

Couples come into my practice wishing for me to be a judge of their individual differences instead of being a guide to help them learn to manage the potentially creative, and at the same time destructive, power that often unconsciously exists between them.
I suggest the following for couples in such distress: 

     1. Focus on the process between yourselves instead of individual differences. 
     2. Work on accepting the imperfections of yourself and your partner while looking for deeper meaning in repetitive arguments. 
     3. Get curious about patterns you have learned in your early years that you now project onto your partner. 
     4. Learn to use the relationship's combined energy for creative life enhancement instead of destructive maneuvers. 
     5. Work to make each other's lives larger instead of smaller. 

It can also be very productive for couples to co-create a picture of what their ideal relationship could be like and to visualize that image daily. It also works for them to make a commitment to not participate in destructive interactions that damage and may ultimately destroy their shared consciousness.

In Embracing The Beloved, psychotherapists Stephen and Ondrea Levine write about how in a spiritual here and now process, they view one another as "beingness" constantly unfolding. And they refer to their combined consciousness as a "beloved energy."

It can be a difficult process to transform our power struggles into creative energy. As Thomas Merton wrote, "...true love and prayer are learned in the moment when prayer has become impossible and the heart has turned to stone."

Jungian analyst, Marion Woodman, describes the first time she saw her husband free of her own projections after years of marriage. She heard him rattling around in the kitchen attempting to poach an egg. At first she began to think in terms of her "shoulds" and became judgmental of his inadequacy in the kitchen. She then let go of all judgment and for the first time was able to see him as himself, standing on spindly legs in Bermuda shorts, holding an imperfect poached egg. As she watched him, she felt profound love.

The Levines refer to this type of watching as "soft eyes" because you watch without any judgment- with compassion and loving kindness.

The Confident Seeker

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Guest blog by Patricia Soldati

Self-confidence can make or break a job or career search. With it, you trust your own abilities and have a general sense of control in your life. Without it, you’re frustrated and stuck – until you learn that developing it – and keeping it – is really within your own control. 

My clients are young and older, male and female, rich and not-so-rich. They are planners, engineers, marketers, filmmakers, community activists, designers, social workers and sales managers, to name a few. Their goals range from moderate, in-place change to “just help me find a job” to significant career-change. 

As a result of this experience, one thing is abundantly clear: a diminished sense of confidence tags right along with everyone who seeks out a new opportunity or a meaningful career. It’s a nasty little irony: just when you need it most, your personal power slips right out of your grasp. 

No one is immune, even though it often feels like you are the only one who is vulnerable. Whether your search is one of choice or through the force of downsizing, or whether you hold a fancy title or not, a landing in a new job or career is intimidating for all there is to learn...the choices...the financial insecurity...and the ultimate uncertainty of all: “Will I really find what I’m looking for?” 

It chips away, making your voice weaker, your actions heavier. You wonder “Will they like me? Will they hire me? Can I continue to please my boss?" 

Lack of self-confidence is not necessarily related to lack of ability. Rather, seekers who lack confidence depend excessively on the approval of others in order to feel good about themselves. They tend to avoid taking risks because they fear failure. They generally do not expect to be successful. They often put themselves down and tend to discount or ignore compliments paid to them. 

By contrast, self-confident people are willing to risk the disapproval of others because they generally trust their own abilities. They tend to accept themselves; they don't feel they have to conform in order to be accepted. 

How is Self-Confidence Developed?
Many factors affect the development of self-confidence. Parents' attitudes are crucial to a child’s sense of self-worth, particularly in the child's early years. When parents are accepting, children receive a solid foundation for good feelings about themselves. If one or both parents are excessively critical or demanding, or if they are overprotective and discourage moves toward independence, children come to believe they are incapable, inadequate, or inferior. 

However, if parents encourage a child to moves toward self-reliance and accept and love their children when they make mistakes, he or she will learn to accept themselves and will be on their way to developing self-confidence.

Playing A Stronger Game
Does this mean this mean that, as an adult, you are doomed if you weren’t blessed with the perfect childhood?
No, of course not. It does suggest, however, the wisdom of examining any beliefs you hold that negatively influence your confidence. For example, believing that you must have approval from every significant person in your life is a perfectionist and unattainable goal. It is more desirable to develop personal standards and values that are meaningful to you and not dependent on the approval of others.
Similarly, if you wallow in “the past has done me wrong”, consider that, as an adult, you can become aware of those influences and make a choice to move beyond the ones that no longer serve you. 

7 more ways to step into your power: 

1. Develop a strong personal foundation. Clean up unfinished business that chips away at your sense of self; understand your inner gifts and talents, and articulate the values that are most important to you. 
2. Create an empowering environment. Eliminate the people and things that take your energy and power from you.
3. Let go of obligations -- even if only for a few hours. Do something that inspires you.
4. Physical self-care. This always precedes personal power. When you are feeling low physically, everything else will fall a little flat.
5. Remember a pride story. For an instant confidence boost, recall an event or an accomplishment that you are quite proud of. Ask “What inner qualities did it take for me to achieve this?” to tip the confidence scales in your favor. 
6. Give up old hurts. They keep you in victim mode.
7. Create thoughts that transform. When negative thoughts take hold, acknowledge them...and replace them with a positive affirmation.

When you tap into your personal greatness, your world opens up. It is easier to take new steps and assume risks. You are mentally, physically and emotionally expanded – which radiates to those around you. You are centered, clear-headed and able to focus on moving forward. 

Most important of all – remember that it is a process. Our confidence will rise and fall – what’s important is that you know how to gain it back.
 

Creating A Personal Protection Plan to Avoid Violence

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Guest blog by Kristie Kilgore
Author of Eyes Wide Open: Bodyguard Strategies for Self-Protection

She was a martial artist and a business executive. She went into the office on a Sunday when no one was around to catch up on a pile of paperwork. Like most women, Sarah did not expect to encounter violence in the middle of the day: a common misconception. Few people realize that that time of day is not a determining factor for most violence. More than half the attacks on female victims occur during daylight hours.

Walking towards the front door of the office building, Sarah noticed two men standing approximately 20 feet away. Given their distance, she dismissed their presence as she inserted the key in the office door. This was her second error. Fact#2: An average person can close a 20-foot distance in under 2 seconds. How long does it take to unlock a door to a car, office or home? 

Unlocking the door, her attention was on the lock, not on her surroundings. The deadbolt clicked and the door began to open. Less than a second after the door began to open, Sarah was violently shoved from behind and into the empty building. Fact#3: Most attacks on women occur from the rear or flank. Ambushed by two men, Sarah was dragged inside and pinned against a wall. Two men began striking her, finally triggering her martial arts training. Thankfully she had training. Without training she would have been sexually assaulted, brutalized, and possibly killed. Although Sarah valiantly fought her way free to escape, her two attackers remain at large today.

A simple Personal Protection Plan (PPP) could have prevented Sarah's assault. A PPP is an agreement that you make with yourself to protect yourself, to avoid violence. Many martial artists could benefit from such as plan. Often martial artists are trained only in how to use force and never explore what could happen if they do fight back. Few explore reasons to avoid use of force completely.

Use of force should be the very last component in a PPP and should not be the only component. For Sarah, her lack of a plan nearly killed her. Use of force carries risk, both in terms of injury and liability. While Sarah was most certainly justified in her use of force, she could easily have been over-powered by two large male attackers, especially if they had been trained. Relying on her use of force training rather than focusing on protection nearly got the female martial artist killed.

A PPP should be awareness and avoidance-based, rather than reaction or use of force-based. Knowledge of how to survey surroundings for threat could have prevented Sarah's attack. While the young executive and martial artist was able to fight her way to freedom, she still carries the memory and scars of the encounter and will for a lifetime. Simple concepts taught in Eyes Wide Open: Bodyguard Strategies for Self-protection could have prevented her attack. 

Millions of attacks just like Sarah's happen every year in America. How many people start each day thinking about personal protection and planning the day with avoidance of violence in mind? Avoiding violence takes far less energy and resources than handling violence or mentally and physically recovering from violence. More than 2000 years ago in the Art of War, Chinese military strategist Sun Tsu taught that vulnerability should be in the enemy, invincibility is in oneself. Avoidance does not mean living in fear. Avoidance means understanding the enemy that you may face, and becoming invincible.

At a time when our nation has been called into a state of "vigilance" in response to terrorist attacks, each American should be educated in threat recognition, assessment and avoidance techniques. Each person would benefit from the concept of personal invincibility.

Random Versus Predictable Violence

It all starts with understanding violence: where, when, and how it really occurs. Misconception and myth about violence abounds. Eyes Wide Open is based on both statistical research and interviews conducted with victims of violence. Even I was surprised to discover the truth about violence.

Violence is one of two things: random or predictable. I define random violence as the victim had no reason to expect the event prior to its immediate on-set. For example the workers who entered the Twin Towers on September 11, 2001 had no reason to expect that they would be victims of violence that day. The victims of the gunman who went on a shooting spree in Pennsylvania in the summer of 2000 had no reason when they got out of bed in the morning to expect that they would face a killer.

In contrast, predictable violence means that the victim had sufficient information to assess that violence could occur that day, given a specific location, activity, history of events, or type of persons who would be encountered. Sufficient information was available to passengers who flew on those ill-fated flights on September 11, 2001 for them to be at least generally aware that travel by air was a high-risk activity. Hi-jackings of commercial airlines began in the 1960s. Cockpits have been accessible on commercial airlines, even after the onset of the age of hi-jackings. Short-bladed knives considered lethal weapons, were allowed on commercial airliners for years (PHOTO___) and a high percentage of the population carries concealed short-bladed knives for personal protection (Photo __ ). A lethal weapon, just by its presence creates a high risk environment. You cannot predict the circumstances under which the lethal weapon might be pulled or used.

Steps to protect yourself from random violence are different than predictable violence. A partial list includes: learning to assess your environment, developing and taking mental note of escape routes for emergencies, identifying the last "safe place" you passed, identifying high risk places and avoiding those places or heightening awareness while in them, and developing reflexes for fleeing a scene or evading a last minute attack. 

Preparing for random violence may also include learning to recognize concealed weapons and understanding the effective range of common types of weapons: cutting/edged implements, impact tools, firearms and rifles. Do you think you will never face an automatic weapon? 

Doris was traveling to Switzerland several days after the September 11th attack. She had read portions of Eyes Wide Open and contacted me about the dangers of traveling in such high risk times. I shared very general concepts with her:

· pay attention to what is happening around you;
· listen to your gut;
· report suspicious activities;
· escape conflict if you can;
· if you cannot, then face a physical threat centerline of the body to centerline;
· if you cannot escape and are forced to fight, strike vital targets.

As fate should have it, two days later Doris was outside a building in Switzerland when a gunman opened fire inside that same building. Doris had stepped off a plane from America only two hours earlier. The man inside the building shot numerous victims who were complete strangers to him: random violence. Doris was about to go into that same building when she heard the first automatic gunfire erupt. 

Lucky for Doris, when others around her insisted that the noise was not gunfire, she listened to her instincts. If Doris had dismissed her gut feeling or abandoned her newly created PPP, she would have gone inside the building and been a victim too. 

Doris was among the first to assess what was happening inside the building. She was personally responsible for alerting police, who then entered the building and apprehended the shooter. How did she do it? First she was aware of her surroundings, she heard the gunfire and recognized the noise. Second she noticed a police officer passing by in a patrol car, and she laid on the horn of her vehicle to get his attention. With the windows rolled up the officer could not hear the gunfire and was oblivious to what was going on inside the building.

Doris courageously yelled to people who were walking towards the building, alerting them to the danger inside. This was seconds before bloodied victims dove out of windows to escape the shooter. Her simple response to random violence prevented others from becoming victims. 

Unlike Sarah, Doris is not a martial artist. Yet, she is living proof that one person equipped with basic PPP and a few easy-to-apply concepts can make a difference. Her PPP saved her life and the lives of others. Overshadowed by September 11, her story did not make it into US newspapers, still, Doris was a hero that day and I am proud of her!

Most violence is predictable, and therefore preventable. Something preceeds the violence. Predictable violence can be categorized by how it begins: verbal confrontation with an emotionally triggered person that escalates to assault, surprise frontal attack, rear assault/surprise attack, multiple attacker ambush for kidnapping or sexual assault, robbery of personal property under the threat of violence, acquaintance sexual assault, and road rage. Predictable violence includes traveling to, passing through and remaining in areas that in Eyes Wide Open I identify as high risk locations, such as fatal funnels (places with only one way in and out).

Preparing A Personal Protection Plan

Every young adult and adult should take the time to prepare a Personal Protection Plan. The first step in preparing your own PPP is to determine the type or types of violence that you may realistically encounter in your normal life. For example, if you are a middle to upper class business person who frequently travels to Mexico (one of many high risk countries for travelers), you have the potential to be kidnapped for ransom. If you do not travel internationally and have no financial assets, this type of violence is not likely to happen to you. If go into the office after hours, perhaps something like the first story in this article is a possibility for you? Do you work in upper level management and make decisions regarding firing personnel? Then the potential exists for a frontal confrontation with an emotionally triggered employee.

Next assess where you will travel to, through or remain in high risk locations, and times you will be isolated. If you frequent bars, reduce your awareness and response time with alcohol, and are easily triggered by words or actions of another, then you have a high probability of experiencing frontal confrontation that escalates to assault. If you visit ATMS and are unaware of your surroundings, withdraw money and wave that money around, then you have a high probability of being ambushed from the rear. If you go to the office after-hours alone and do not pay attention to what is in a 30-foot radius, then you run the risk of a rear ambush while you unlock a door.

Variables of Exposure to Violence

Human conflict is human conflict. Learn about the Variables of Exposure to Violence. I developed these variables based on interviews with bodyguards, victims of violence and extensive statistical research of violence. The Variables are: accessibility/vulnerability, predictability, visibility, high risk locations and activities, level of awareness, familiarity with the environment, and gender. This conceptual model applies to domestic violence, street violence or terrorism. Watch the movie Black Hawk Down and find them at work in the now-famous military action in Somalia.

Understanding the Variables can also prevent exploitation such as identify theft, and kidnapping. With the Variables in hand, you can begin to assess daily routines that are predictable, places and moments of assessability to attack, actions or manners that lead to visibility, how to assess an unfamiliar environment, choices that compromise awareness, and high risk locations and activities. Take the time to learn about the Variables that apply to human conflict in daily life - now! Think about violence before it happens. If you wait until you face violence, you have missed the opportunity to protect your well being, and you will be forced to defend your life. If you have had no training, then nothing is what you are likely to do when unprepared and surprised. In this sense, self-defense really IS it too little, too late.

Statements: Agreements to Thrive in Life

A PPP is built around statements that begin with, "I always___________." Start by assessing what you always do to stay safe and avoid violence right now. Then add in what you plan to do from this day on. I recommend a primary or general plan that is always followed and a daily plan that fits your planned activities for the day. People who travel frequently should also develop a Travel PPP. 

My primary plan consists of actions that I take no matter where I am. I always lock my door when I come home at the end of the day and survey my house (about 50% of violence against women occurs in a private home). I always keep the doors and windows to my house locked. I always keep the doors to my vehicle locked. I always tell someone my destination, route and itinerary when I am traveling alone. I always have a weapon within my sight. I always stay more than arm's length away from strangers. I always limit who has access to my home telephone number. I always travel with a charged cell phone in case of emergency. I always assess entrances and exits when I am in any room or building. I always limit the access of strangers to my home. Unless my environment is secure (I am in a locked room alone), I always pay attention to who is within a 30 foot radius. I always check my environment closely before I turn my back, and I recheck what is behind me frequently while my attention is focused to the front of me (for example, while unlocking a door). 

While these statements may seem like "small steps", taking these simple steps may save your life. Remember that awareness and quick response based on a PPP saved Doris and the lives of those she warned!

Other steps that I add to my daily plan depend on whether I will be in a high risk situation, location or activity that day. Considerations for the daily plan depend on details such as whether or not I will be commuting, in meetings with strangers, working unusual hours, or working in or visiting unfamiliar locations. Other actions may also depend on whether someone in my life is emotionally triggered or unstable. I create my daily plan just like I select my clothing for work; it is just what I do, every day that I leave my home. 

Simple Steps to Live Life Free from Violence

Simple steps and a basic PPP can and may save your life. Take a moment to prepare a general PPP and commit yourself to considering your safety every day. Learn the Variables of Exposure to Violence and assess these variables that are already at work in your life. Human conflict is a part of life and has been since Sun Tsu lived. How you handle each conflict may determine whether you will simply survive, escape the conflict, or avoid the situation to thrive and live life fully another day. 

Boomers & Dating

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Guest blog by Terri Sloane

This is a great time to be single. It's now your turn to choose the kind of companion who would be right for you. The choice is YOURS. Although chemistry is still a very
important component in a relationship, it is not everything. Our inner being needs to be nourished through compassion, kindness, laughter, and sharing things in common. It's a time when we can make a CONSCIOUS CHOICE as to the kind of person we want to share our time with.

The best way to attract the kind of person you are seeking is to engage in activities that attract that kind of person. For example, if you want an exciting active man, be an exciting active woman. Go where the men would go. One of my clients wanted to meet a man who owned his own plane. She enjoyed the excitement of flying, so I suggested
she take flying lessons. It turned out that a very attractive man who owned his own plane had to take continuing hours for his pilot license. They met at the airport and the rest is history. She has a newfound passion, "flying" as well as the kind of man she was seeking.

I'm not suggesting that you take flying lessons, however, I do know if you enjoy what your doing, and think outside of the box, a world of new opportunities awaits you. Who knows??? Maybe you should go on the safari you were talking about this past summer. Even if you don't meet "Mr. Right" you'll meet exciting new interesting people and have some very wonderful stories to share. Who knows??? Maybe the man that you want is looking for an exciting woman. Something to think about, isn't it?????©

"BANG, BANG " Choose your Target

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Guest blog by  Melinda Gallagher, M.A., and Emily Scarlet Kramer
Author of A Piece of Cake: Recipes for Female Sexual Pleasure

While it's still a serious matter, and maybe the most important choice you will make all day, choosing a casual-encounter partner is, well, more casual than choosing a long-term lover. You don't have to worry about whether you'd want his toothbrush on your sink, whether you'd have to bring him home to meet your parents, or whether he'd get along with your girlfriends. More important, if we always practice safer sex, we do not have to worry about whether our sex partner will be a good dad. A casual-sex partner does not have to fill your every expectation, but there is one basic requirement: attraction. 

Acting on a feeling of instantaneous attraction can be very exciting; in turn, the feeling that you're so sexy that a stranger is overwhelmed by his attraction to you can be equally mind-blowing. From both perspectives, the possibility of being so passionate with someone we don't know but have a spontaneous sexual connection with is enough to make our heads (or bodies) spin. A perfectly common reaction to physical attraction is sexual excitement, and we can get turned on, often and easily, by people we don't know. 

Of course, a hot body and good looks can always whet our palates for some lovin'. But above and beyond simple attraction, anonymity, in particular, plays a big role in female fantasy. The exciting part for some of us is particularly that which is not connected to a relationship: the freedom of indulging in attraction without ever having to know someone's name. Pure physical pleasure can be heightened when we are freed from having to consider what will happen when the moment is over. Anonymity resolves the issues of consequences. There are no sacrifices. No one gets hurt. 

Copyright © 2005 Melinda Gallagher, M.A., and Emily Scarlet Kramer

Author on Burning of the Marriage Hat

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Guest blog by Margaret Benshoof-Holler
Author of Burning of the Marriage Hat
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

Some might think of the title of Burning of the Marriage Hat as an act of rebellion against the sanctity of matrimony. That's not what I had in mind in the writing of the book. When marriage works, it's very beautiful. But one need only look at the divorce rate to see that perhaps marriage, or the way that we marry or the reasons why we marry in this culture, have not brought the best results. Something must be wrong. I have seen too many women who have married and given up half of whom they are to follow someone else's dreams and not their own. I see them die a slow death and not even know it. I have seen other women marry men who give them plenty of space and who are not threatened when a woman needs to follow her own path. Those marriages seem to work. 

On the issue of being single in the U.S. culture, all types of articles and research studies have been done which analyze the single life, take it apart and come to conclusions and set the terms for how many people think. If anything, I would like to dispel that type of myth about single people which comes out of mass produced newspaper reporting and I would hope that some might gain a larger view by what I have to share. 

I think of the title Burning of the Marriage Hat as something like the road less traveled, choosing one route over another. In the case of Katherine, the narrator in the book Burning of the Marriage Hat, it means leaving one route behind or rejecting a role that was set up for her and following something different as a single woman. She, though, is not the typical spinster, the term often used to label such a woman, but an adventurous, courageous, and experienced and sensual woman who has a strong yet cautious attraction to men.

The symbol of the Burning of the Marriage Hat relates to the cleaning up of unresolved issues and denial within a family.

In a more profound sense, Burning of the Marriage Hat has to do with cleansing or being tried by fire like metal when it is shaped and molded. A jewelry maker begins with a raw piece of metal, puts it to the flame and ends up with something entirely different, something very beautiful. In a way, that's what my life has been about. 

A marriage hat is a term that came out while I was writing the book before I had even given it a title. Literally, it's the hat that the narrator Katherine's grandmother Naomi is forced to burn when her marriage to her husband Sam falls apart. It's the wedding veil that narrator Katherine burns when she finds out that her first love Joe is not going to marry her. It also has a more symbolic meaning. 

In life we find ourselves wearing different hats for different occasions. American women have worn many hats during the last 100 years -- the "married woman hat," "housewife hat," the "wife and mother hat," the "working woman" hat, "the liberated woman hat," "the single woman hat," "the marriage hat" and so on. The marriage hat has a more significant meaning when applied to a certain group such as the unwed pregnant women. 

I began writing this book on a journey back to Wyoming to dig into family roots and to uncover some past mysteries. On one trip back, I also wrote a journalism piece about Matthew Shepherd, the gay University of Wyoming student who was beaten and tied to a fence post and left to die in sub-zero temperatures in 1998 near Laramie, Wyoming (entitled "Love and Hate in the Equality State" and published in the Hearst-owned San Francisco Examiner). Not being gay myself, but a woman who grew up in Wyoming during an era when conditions for women were not the best in any location in the U.S. (this was before the 1964 Civil Rights Act had a chance to settle in to prevent discrimination against anyone on the basis of sex, race or religion and before the 1972 passage of Roe v. Wade), I had a feel for the Matthew Shepherd story. And wrote it. But, in the process of writing that piece and developing the narrator Katherine in my book, I knew there was something more that I should be writing about Wyoming. This was a story that had been buried. 

In the process of fleshing out the narrator Katherine, I began fleshing out myself as a birthmother and coming to terms with many things that I hadn't faced exactly. This is the story of the narrator Katherine. It is also the story of approximately 2.5 million women who gave their children up for adoption in the U.S. in the 1960s --"the unwed pregnant women." I drew from my own experience. I am a birthmother. And I came of age in Wyoming in the 1960s. So I drew from that experience and also what I observed around me. 

So, there we have the narrator Katherine. It was only later that I realized that it wasn't only my experience. It was the experience of approximately 250,000 unwed pregnant women a year who gave their children up for adoption in the U.S. in the 1960s. 

This is not a typical birthmother finds daughter kind of book, the kind of story that tends to get printed in the media. Those sensational types of stories get old and I quit reading them many years ago. This story goes deeper and turns the characters into real people. I was able to do that because I wrote it as fiction. Similar to how an actress projects her voice on stage, these characters are actually able to use their voices. 

In many ways, I see fiction as being truer than journalism because journalism limits one to writing about facts and figures and dates and getting things exactly right and doesn't always gets down to the deeper layers of the psyche and emotions. Journalism can do that depending on the writer. For Burning of the Marriage Hat, I had to write it in a different way. So I drew from my poetics experience and my inner core to write this book along with my journalism experience as far as structure. They all fit together and work quite well. One has to draw from real life experiences to get to deeper levels though -- one has to be very honest. And in a sense, because of the objectivity of journalism, there's a tendency for the writer to hide. A writer has to remove his or her mind from many things that might hold him or her back --i.e., the safe bureaucracies or other well-meaning people or friends who can push a writer or an artist towards self-censorship. If a writer listens too closely to the everyday voices, he or she might end up writing interoffice memos instead of a story or book that brings to light issues that have never been dealt with and still affect women today.

Burning of the Marriage Hat is the story of a woman who returns to her roots to free the ghosts of her past and come to terms with a culture that has oppressed women. Set in Wyoming, known as the "Equality State" because that's where women first gained the right to vote in the U.S. and also where I came of age on the cusp of the 1960s sexual revolution, the book is also about a place. It's also a story about a middle-class family in a small prairie town in Wyoming and the coming of age of a young woman during the post-McCarthy era of the 1960s. 

A good part of the book was written on the road. I made several road trips back and forth across Wyoming with miles and miles of open space around me. The ideas came to me on the road. The fleshing out of characters came when I returned home to San Francisco and my computer.

Another part of the book was written from my dreams. In the early 1980s while I was studying poetics with Allen Ginsberg at Narapa Institute in Boulder, he told me one night as feedback to a description of a dream that I had written that "You should write down all of your dreams." So, I've been doing that off and on since. And sometimes I happen to have very profound dreams. So part of this book came from dreams I have had at different times. It was a dream, in fact, that gave me direction when I first started writing the book. And other dreams came to me along the way as if to guide me. The dreams came at unexpected moments when I was needing a voice. The dreams and the voices I heard in them helped me get the book written. I had help from the voices of my dreams. 

Ginsberg's words and actions and feedback still speak to me. He, too, has appeared in some of my dreams. 

Back to the unwed pregnant women. In the year 2002 in the U.S., we have teen pregnancy and single welfare mothers along with six million birthmothers, many of whom gave their children up for adoption in the 60s and early 70s. This is a large group of women with strong voices and we almost never hear them. They are a group of women who have been kept out of sight. And for what reason? This must say something about whether the stigmas of the 60s are still with us. 

Also, marriage was one of two ultimatums (not choices but ultimatums) for the 60s unwed mothers. And some today would like to make it an ultimatum again for single welfare mothers. So here we have history repeating itself. 

What happened to women in the 1960s helped shape the title of Burning of the Marriage Hat. It is a fiction book that explores real social issues in the United States. I drew from my own experience. The narrator Katherine is a birthmother and I'm a birthmother. I'm also a writer and a creative women who has written about many issues. This is the first time that I have written about unwed pregnant women. This because the medium of fiction helped free the pen and the voice of this writer. 

With that, I'd like to say that a woman doesn't have to get married. She can make it alone. Not all women can do that, though. Many women can't. I have found the single life to be full of adventure along with the gamut of emotions that one deals with in any environment--married or single. A woman needs to find herself first before she takes the step towards marriage, I feel. She needs to find her creative core, her inner voice, begin the journey of following her own dreams before she even thinks of getting married." Otherwise, she will end up following someone else's and get lost in the process. Marriage can be a very beautiful union between two people and one should be open to all possibilities. 

"It is much more difficult, though, for a woman to be a strong writer within the institution of marriage. I have seen the tendency for women to hold back their voices when they are married. The stronger women writers, I feel, are those who haven't been married to a man, woman, organization, conglomerate, bureaucracy, corporation or any other system that tends to control the voice of a writer. If a woman can find freedom and space within that institution to be totally free with the pen, then we may see something very different." 

Are You Dating A Potential Cheater?

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Guest blog by Ruth Houston
Author of Is He Cheating on You? 829 Telltale Signs

Is the man you're dating a potential cheater who will one day break your heart? Take this quiz and find out.

Like most single women who are dating, I'm sure you'll want to avoid getting involved with a man who's likely to cheat. After all, he could one day break your heart. But according to statistics, an estimated 50 to 70 percent of men cheat on their mates. How can you tell if the man you're dating is one of these potential cheaters? Wouldn't it be great to have this information about him before you get too deeply involved? 

Find out If He's Prone to Infidelity

Finding out whether or not the man you're dating is prone to infidelity is much easier than you think. Studies reveal that some men are more likely to cheat than others because of their background, their past history, or certain character traits. Using this information, I've designed a 7 question quiz that can help you determine if the man you're dating is a potential cheater. 

Single Women Screen Dates with this Quiz

Decide Who Not to Date

The Potential Cheaters quiz can help you make an informed decision about whether or not to continue dating a man, or how deeply to get involved. By identifying and avoiding the potential cheaters in the dating pool, you can save yourself a lot of unnecessary headaches and heartaches. 

Rate Your Date with the Potential Cheaters Quiz

So before you fall head-over-heels in love or get too attached to that new man in your life, rate your date's cheating potential with the 7 questions below:

Potential Cheaters Quiz

1. Does he thrive on adventure?
2. Did he have a great deal of sexual experience prior to your relationship? 
3. Does he have lots of female friends? 
4. Does he have male friends who are cheating on their wives or girlfriends? 
5. Does he have a parent who cheated? 
6. Did he cheat in any of his past relationships? 
7. Does he feel that infidelity is really no big deal?

What the Answers Mean:

1. Some men enjoy all the suspense, deception and intrigue that go along with infidelity. They'll cheat just for the "thrill of the chase." 

2. Studies reveal that men who were extremely sexually active before settling down in a committed relationship are more apt to engage in sex outside that relationship. Don't expect a leopard to change his spots.

3. Close friendships with women are a common starting point for infidelity. Friends can quickly turn into lovers. The closer the friendship, the greater the odds that it will develop into an affair.

4. Never underestimate the power of peer pressure. If his friends are cheating, he'll soon be cheating too. 

5. Infidelity tends to run in families. Children of unfaithful parents are often programmed to follow in their footsteps, considering infidelity to be the norm. 

6. "Once a cheater, always a cheater." There are exceptions, but statistically speaking, if he cheated once, he's more apt to do it again. His history will probably repeat itself. 

7. If he doesn't believe that infidelity is wrong, his behavior will reflect his beliefs.

How to Evaluate Your Results

Generally speaking, the more 'yes' answers, the greater the likelihood that this man will cheat. But some answers carry more weight than others, so you'll want to take a closer look at the results. 

If you answered yes to #1, #2, or #5 (but not all three), he's a POTENTIAL CHEATER who may very well cheat on you if the opportunity presents itself. If you decide to get involved with him, you need to make it difficult for him to cheat. Familiarize yourself with the signs of infidelity, so you'll know if he starts to stray.

If you answered yes to #3 or #4 alone, together, or in combination with #1 or #2, he's a COMMON "GARDEN-VARIETY" CHEATER who will cheat if he feels he can do so without getting caught. Your challenge, if you insist on dating him, is to stay one step ahead of him by learning to recognize the early warning signs. If you know how to spot the signs of impending infidelity, you may be able to stop his cheating before it starts, or leave before he breaks your heart. Familiarize yourself with the 21 major categories of telltale signs. 

If you answered yes to #6 alone or in combination with #1,#2, #3, #4, or #5 you're dealing with an EXPERIENCED CHEATER who knows how to hide the obvious signs of infidelity. The most important thing to do if you're dating this man is learn to spot the subtle signs of infidelity, because these are the signs that will inevitably give him away. Get a good infidelity reference guide, ( like Is He Cheating on You?), watch him like a hawk, and try not to get too deeply involved.

If you answered yes to #7 alone ( This one's the biggie!) or in combination with any others, you've got a HARD-CORE, HABITUAL CHEATER on your hands who's probably already having an affair. (You could unknowingly be the Other Woman.) For this man, cheating is a way of life. If you don't want to become an infidelity statistic, leave this man alone. Should you decide to take on this challenge, you're in serious trouble if you don't know how to spot the subtle signs of infidelity. Forget about watching for the usual signs of cheating. This man is an expert at covering his tracks. The best thing you can do is become adept at spotting the subtle signs of infidelity, since there won't be any obvious signs to give him away.  

If you're already dating a potential cheater, or thinking about dating one, you need to know what to do. Even if you only had one yes answer on the Potential Cheater's Quiz, there's still cause for concern. 

Copyright © Ruth Houston 2005 All rights reserved

10 Things You Didn't Know About Signs of Infidelity

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Guest blog by Ruth Houston
Author of Is He Cheating on You? 829 Telltale Signs

Certain things about signs of infidelity come as a surprise to most people. Even people who consider themselves knowledgeable about extramarital affairs may be unfamiliar with some of the little-known facts below. 

1. Telltale signs first begin to appear while the infidelity is still in the planning stage. 
2. Most cheaters display signs of infidelity they aren't even aware of, and wouldn't even think to cover up.
3. Most people either miss or misinterpret the many subtle signs of infidelity staring them in the face.
4. If you know what to look for, you can find countless signs of infidelity using just your eyes, your ears and your personal knowledge of your mate. 
5. It's not the obvious signs of infidelity - it's the subtle signs (the ones most people overlook) that will give the cheater away every time. 
6. Certain signs of infidelity can help you determine the identity of the Other Woman or Other Man.
7. There are 21 major categories of infidelity signs, each comprised of 2 to 6 dozen individual telltale signs. 
8. If your mate is cheating, you'll find clusters of telltale signs from several of those 21 categories all at once, not just a few telltale signs.
9. Where there's one telltale sign, there are plenty of other signs of infidelity just waiting to be found.
10. The earlier you spot the signs of infidelity, the better your chances of saving your marriage -- or of protecting yourself legally and financially in case the infidelity leads to divorce.

© 2005 Ruth Houston

8 Keys to Lasting Love

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Guest blog by  Linda Miles, Ph.D. and Robert Miles, M.D.
Author of The New Marriage: Transcending the Happily-Ever-After Myth
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

Our granddaughter, Merritt Miles, was the inspiration for, 8 Keys to Lasting Love. When Merritt was five years old I read a fairy tale to her and was very disturbed by the ending, "And they lived happily ever after." As she could not read yet, I took the liberty of changing the ending to "They began the work of creating a very good marriage." I didn't want Merritt to think that marriage was so simple or that it just happened that you lived happily every after, as so many of our clients believed. As a marriage and family therapist for thirty years, I have seen the pain people experience on their honeymoon when they wake up and realize they have married a mere mortal. In creating this, it is my hope that my granddaughter Merritt, as she enters adulthood, as well as many other people, will avoid the pitfalls and pain of those who succumb to this "happily ever after" myth.

§ Stop blaming and start living. It is your responsibility, and not your partner's, to feel better and to heal. Your partner will be responsible to you, but not for you. So it's useful to ask yourself, "Why did I draw this person into my life and what is it that I need to learn from this instead of blaming?" A good marriage grows you up. 

§ Avoid the fixer-upper syndrome. We think we can fix up our partner and shape them up to perfection, our perfection. So many people marry for potential. Never marry just for potential. 

§ Made a promise to keep integrity. Do not hold onto victim hood like a prize. This doesn't allow one to grow. Work on behaviors that make your partner want to change by being kind and loving. Vent what you are feeling without being out of control. 

§ Eliminate attack thoughts. These thoughts are incredibly destructive over time. If you attack other people and attack yourself and your thoughts, it really interferes with your happiness and with your peace of mind. Learn to find joy even in difficult times. As Mother Theresa once said, "Our best protection is a joyful heart." 

§ Do not hold onto anger. Holding onto anger is like drinking Drano. Turn attack thoughts into something constructive. Think thoughts that are appreciative of your partner and express them often. Build up an emotional bank account so you have positive emotion currency when angry times come. 

§ Wake up without makeup. On soap operas I see women wake up first thing in the morning with all their makeup and false eyelashes, and that's not real. What we need to do in a marriage is to learn to be more and more real, and more and more safe to be who we truly are.

§ Wake up and make up. It is very important for couples to learn to repair after a fight. Keep trying to find solutions. Do not get stuck rehashing the past. Live in the present, and find ways to keep your marriage buoyant and alive.

§ If you want to change your relationship, change yourself. Reinvent yourself, because you're not going to be able to change your partner. Learn to love in a mature way without trying to control or manipulate. C.S. Lewis once said, "To love without control or manipulation is to be surprised by joy." You will be truly surprised by joy when you can live in the moment with that other person.
 

Five Solutions for Surviving the Empty Nest Syndrome

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Guest blog by  Dr. Kathleen Hall
Author of Alter Your Life: Overbooked? Overworked? Overwhelmed? 

Did you know that empty nest syndrome occurs most often in October, well after children have left for college? When the children leave home, parents may feel sadness, loneliness, emptiness, guilt, and uselessness. 

Does this situation sound familiar? Waving goodbye to your last child, you begin the long drive home. The reality of your empty nest sets in during the next few weeks. Your decades-old primary role of "mom" or "dad" has been instantly eliminated, creating the most disturbing identity theft of your life. Your life has essentially revolved around your children's busy lives. Now the busy years are over. You have invested so much time with your children that when your last child leaves the nest, you don't know how to deal with a household of two. You look at your partner and wonder who he or she is. At home you mechanically open the refrigerator to prepare dinner and find that it's nearly empty. The years of shopping for the special treats each child enjoyed are over. Now the refrigerator is bare and in your confusion, you don't know what to buy at the grocery store either.

How can you put your life back together and learn to cope with the stress of empty nest syndrome? Ignoring the problem is not the answer. Check out these solutions designed to get you back on track toward the next chapter of your life.

Solution #1 Be proactive not reactive. 
Prepare for the feelings before they come. Learn to experience a sense of power and control in your own life. By facing the situation straight on without compromising your feelings, you choose not to avoid the pain, the confusion, and change, but to deal with it in a healthy way. This is a time of adventure, discovery and creativity.

Solution #2 Use loneliness as an opportunity to develop your Self. 
Now that the children are gone, there are only two of you in the house. But don't be alarmed! This is how you began this family all those years ago. Make a date with your husband once a week that takes place outside of the house. Play music in the background each day, be creative with your talents and abilities, and find a reason to laugh each day. It only takes five minutes of laughter to improve blood-vessel function! 

Studies also show that pet ownership lowers blood pressure and cholesterol, not to mention your health insurance rates! Sharing your new empty nest with a four-footed friend can also ward off depression. Enroll in that cooking class or pottery seminar you always wanted to take. Read the books you have been putting off for years. Enrich your mind by attending a classical music concert or a lecture. What about a career change or volunteer work? You will meet new people that will change your life. 

There are countless ways you can develop your Self when your kids leave the nest. Make sure you have a group of friends to support you in this transformation of your life. 

Solution #3 Choose crisis or rebirth. 
The empty nest period can become a crisis or a glorious time of rebirth. Honest self-evaluation and assessment is the first step on that path toward rebirth. Conduct a simple inventory of your life: mental, physical and spiritual.
· Get a journal and start writing. Answer these questions: What is the state of my mental health? Do I live with anxiety, depression, anger, fear, or shame? Can I improve my mental health by reading, joining a group or seeing a counselor? Get a therapist and enjoy the personal growth. 
· Take off your clothes and stand naked before the mirror. What do you see? How do you feel? Do you need to begin a different exercise program or learn more about nutrition? Try something new like Pilates, Tai Chi, or Yoga. Are there medical tests you have been putting off? Are you taking a multi-vitamin, drinking green tea and avoiding unhealthy foods? 
· Ask yourself about your spiritual life. Are you regularly experiencing a deep connection with your Source? If not, why not? Have you outgrown your religion or church? Should you learn about other theologies? Are there spiritual practices that you do each day to stay connected?

Solution #4 Create a new marriage for your new life. 
Many marriages are frail or fractured at empty nest. During the empty nest phase, the divorce rate rises 16 percent for married parents. The empty nest, however, can be an once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to create a true "love nest." 

Plan a vacation to someplace you have always wanted to go together. Learn what each of you like and dislike-movies, food, programs, vacation spots, sports, spirituality and religion. Review the home chores, list them all, and make a fresh decision about who will do what in this new marriage. My husband now does the laundry, vacuuming, dishes and has begun cooking! Get to know each other all over again.

With no children in the house, you can play again. Shower together, watch movies on the couch in sexy clothes, wear even less around the house and see what happens. Sex can become the best ever during the empty nest. Have sex in more than just the bedroom! 

Solution #5 Live Your Intentional Authentic Life.
The empty nest is an opportunity for you to spend the rest of your days living your intentional authentic life. Your other roles in life have taken a back seat to "your life." Begin an exciting plan for the rest of your life. How long do you both want to work? Where do you want to reside in retirement? Where do you want to travel? What will your financial needs be for both of you? Discover how you can create the rest of your life organized around the purpose you were born-"your authentic life."

Our family of origin is an incredible gift. Families can be the most fertile place for spiritual development, the catalyst for our growth potential. When your children leave the nest, this spiritual process does not have to end. Rather it can serve to create the happiest and richest time of your life. This is your life, and you can choose to plan a new life beyond your wildest dreams. Live intentionally.

Operation "Winter Renter" Nine Tips for Attracting Off-Season Guests to Your Vacation Home

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Guest blog by  Christine Karpinski
Author of ow to Rent Vacation Properties by Owner Second Edition

Time to build crackling fires in the hearth, bundle up in your warmest sweaters, sip hot cocoa while you watch the snow—and start fretting over that unrented vacation home. That's right. T.S. Eliot may think that April is the cruelest month, but for many vacation property owners, any month between now and Memorial Day would qualify. That cabin or condo that renters clamor over all summer tends to sit depressingly (and expensively) empty all winter. If only there were something you could do to make your off-season not quite so, well, off. 

Actually, there are many things you can do, it's often the little touches that draw "winter renters," delight them, and keep them coming back for more.

"Obviously, more people vacation during peak season, that's why it's peak season! But there are still plenty of people who prefer to travel during the cooler months. Maybe they want to avoid the crowds, maybe they want to take advantage of the lower rates, or maybe they just want a break in the February doldrums. Your mission is to make your vacation home stand out from the many others that are available to potential renters. It's that simple. You have to go the proverbial extra mile." 

Here are some of tips for making your vacation property appealing to winter renters:

·First and foremost, "winterize" your marketing. It won't matter how perfect your place is for a mid-winter getaway if people don't know about it. Play up features like hot tubs and fireplaces. Sprinkle copy with words like warm, cozy, cocoon, snuggle, and cuddle. You might even paint an inviting verbal picture such as "Envision yourself gazing out the tall picture window, a cup of hot cocoa in hand, as fat snowflakes drift lazily through the pines." Finally, add a few "off-season" photos of your property to your website. Photos of the home framed in brilliant autumn leaves or dusted with snow will speak louder than a thousand poetic words.

·Consider off-season specials. Everyone loves a bargain, and in the winter, they expect one. "My favorite off-season booking magnet is 'rent three nights and get one free. Or, when you get a call from someone looking to book for next spring or summer, offer them a winter special—say, half-price off a weekend stay—so they can come check out the place early. That would be tough to resist." 

·Add "warm cozy" touches. Put thick, warm comforters on the bed and fleece throws on the sofa. Place a few spice-scented candles on tables or countertops. Leave savory winter treats in the kitchen: cocoa mix & marshmallows, spiced apple cider, ginger cookies, chili fixings, and a crock pot. (Ask the housekeeper to replenish edibles.) You might even consider leaving an extra coat or two in the closet, along with toboggans, gloves, and scarves—chances are they won't be used, but guests will appreciate the hospitality. 

Plan for snow! If guests should happen to get snowed in at your home, you want to make the experience as pleasant as possible. Make sure to have a snow shovel, ice melt, and a windshield ice scraper on the premises. The possibility of inclement weather is a good reason to have a selection of nonperishable foods on hand, as well as movies and books. You certainly don't want a houseful of hungry, stir-crazy, cranky renters who are cursing their vacation experience (and by association, you)! 

Consider adding a hot tub, sauna, or ventless gas fireplace. If your vacation property is a "summer home" with no winter appeal, such additions can make a world of difference. You may be thinking that these are pricey upgrades, but you'll be amazed at how fast they pay for themselves via increased off-season bookings. One caveat: if you install a ventless gas fireplace, be sure to get a carbon monoxide detector as well.

Make your home baby- and toddler-friendly. You've probably noticed that people with very young children are more likely to travel off-season. (After all, they're not constrained by school schedules.) Appeal to these people by including baby and toddler paraphernalia. A high chair and a porta crib should cost less than $150 combined, and can drastically increase your off-season bookings. 

·Accept pets. Vacation properties that accept pets increase their occupancy by 10 to 50 percent. When you accept pets, it's okay to take an additional $20 to $25/night or $140 to $175/week. This extra (which pet owners would have to spend anyway on boarding fees) is enough to pay for any carpet cleaning that needs to be done. "I spoke with a woman named Jennifer, who owned a nice cabin in the mountains of Colorado; she was within driving distance of three ski resorts, but not really close enough to any of them to advertise that her place was associated with any of them. She was booking her cabin only two or three weeks per year. I advised her to start accepting pets, and the minute she did, her bookings started to flow in. Two years later, she is booked for the whole ski season, three or four weeks during the summer to hikers, and she rents ten to twelve long weekends through the year. She has never been happier!" 

·If all else fails, offer a "customized" special to repeat guests. If you've tried everything and you still have lots of weeks unbooked, it's time to get creative (perhaps even a bit assertive). Consider calling or e-mailing prior "VIP" guests and offering them discounted off-season stays. You might even link the stay to a special event in their lives. For instance, if you know that John and Jane Smith have an anniversary in March—thanks to the detailed file you keep on them—call them and offer a special celebratory weekend at a reduced rate. When they accept, have a champagne gift basket waiting for them in the bedroom along with a handwritten "Happy Anniversary" note. 

Not sold on winter renting? Consider it "damage insurance." All of that said, some people actually prefer to lock up their place for the winter. Maybe they don't think renting is worth the effort, or maybe they make enough money during peak season to pay their mortgage for the year. If this is your mindset, reconsider—winter renting can ward off property damage. "I've heard stories of locked-up properties that have been ransacked by families of raccoons, and of broken furnaces that have led to burst pipes.  Houses that are empty for long stretches of time, especially in freezing weather, tend to have problems. If renters had periodically visited such homes, these issues could have been avoided or at least discovered early, before things worsened." 

A word of caution: exercise moderation.

"It's great to spend some money on things to attract winter renters. just don't go overboard. I knew a guy who would do tons of extra advertising and equip his place with all these bonuses for his off-season renters. Yes, he ended up booking the place for all of January through March—but his bottom line for all three months was only $500! My advice is this: a little effort goes a long way. Do one or two things on the list, not all of them. Otherwise, do a good job with the basics and be a friendly, hospitable host. As word gets around and your guests become 'regulars,' your off-season problem will solve itself."