Confronting The Emotional Side of Simplicity

Guest blog by Patty Kreamer

From a very young age, many children are taught that they should not waste, that they should use and keep everything. This Depression-era mentality really instills a sense of guilt and clutter amasses because we keep, keep, keep everything! It's like having audiotapes playing constantly in your head, saying "YOU MUST NOT BE WASTEFUL!" every time you try to release something from your life. Letting go doesn't seem like an acceptable option. But it can be. 

Rather than playing the same tapes over and over again that say you can't or shouldn't throw anything away, why not create a new dialog? As you profess to yourself that you can't waste anything, ask yourself which is more valuable: 

The things that you have accumulated and trip over daily, causing stress beyond your level of tolerance…

OR

The space and peace of mind that you would reclaim should you eliminate these same items? 

If you typically process thoughts from an emotional standpoint (feelings), you may find the above question hard to answer. However, using logic would make the second choice above a no-brainer. Emotion might bring guilt, fear, stress and several other feelings into play. Thinking logically and thinking emotionally are two very different approaches. 

QUESTION: How do I eliminate my Guilt, Stress & Fear?
ANSWER: Give yourself permission.
The person that can make you feel most guilty is YOU!  Letting go is tough, but not if you permit yourself to do so. Think of it as getting back to square one by letting go of the things that you have held onto for dear life out of duty or guilt for so long. Your reward is a healthier, happier, and less stressful life; sound like good enough incentive? Once you reach square one, then from that point forward, you must be discriminating about what you allow into your life. 

QUESTION: How do you give yourself permission to go against what you have been taught your whole life? 
ANSWER: Learn how you think differently. 
Typically, when you make a decision, you base it on one of two things: emotion or logic. Naturally, if you are an emotional or sentimental person, you probably tend to keep items for reasons that seem logical to you. But if you deeply examine those reasons, you can break them down to see that your heart plays a bigger part than your head. 
Looking at your stuff, it's easier to feel what it means to you than it is to think about what it is doing to you.

The key words here are feel and think. Understand that you don't have to remove all feeling from your life. You just need to examine where your thoughts stem from so that you can arm yourself with a more practical point of view. Changing the soundtrack in your head is not an overnight process. You must make mental notes of how you currently think and give yourself the opportunity to develop alternative ways of framing the situation. This will help you clear the emotional and mental clutter!

The Disability Rights Movement: From Charity to Confrontation

Guest blog by Doris Zames Fleischer and Frieda Zames
Authors of The Disability Rights Movement: From Charity to Confrontation
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

In the "Preface" to our book, The Disability Rights Movement: From Charity to Confrontation, we point out that when the prejudices that have been prominent in American life are discussed, disability discrimination is rarely included. Yet "misrepresented as a health, economic, or safety issue," discrimination against people with disabilities, the largest minority in the United States (54 million and growing), continues to have devastating personal and social consequences. This failure to recognize the prejudice to which people with disabilities are exposed may stem from a collective fear, for "everyone is subject to illness, accident, the declining powers of advanced age-all forms of human vulnerability."

Most people deal with disability in their lives, first with their parents, then with themselves, and that does not take into account other family members and friends. The general public is unaware of the far greater number of people with invisible disabilities (e.g. psychiatric and learning disorders, heart disease, diabetes and cancer) than of those with visible ones (e.g. motor impairments, blindness, and deafness). What may be most surprising is that improved technology results in not fewer-but more-people with disabilities as people live longer, as well as survive and often flourish after what formerly would have been calamitous or even fatal disabilities. With medical and pharmaceutical breakthroughs and computer technology, however, people with disabilities are contributing members of society whose potential is
too frequently thwarted by socially-accepted, and until recently legally sanctioned, discrimination.

Such discrimination dates back to the Thirteen Colonies where people with disabilities frequently were not only denied the right to social participation but, even in their own families, hidden, disowned, or allowed to die because they were not provided with the life-supports
they required. The story of noted early twentieth century social critic Randolph Bourne-isolated as an adolescent and unemployed as an adult-reveals this legacy of bias. Bourne, who had a very visible disability with no significant functional limitations, was described by renowned poet Amy Lowell: "His writing shows that he is a cripple. Deformed body, deformed mind." Bourne could have been refused entrance into a public setting because of what was deemed his "unsightliness," but in Chicago he could have been arrested as a result of a 1911 ordinance (repealed in 1974) referred to as the "Chicago Ugly Law": "No person who is diseased, maimed, mutilated, or in any way deformed so as to be an unsightly or disgusting object or improper person to be allowed in or on the public ways or other public places in this city,
shall therein or thereon expose himself to public view."

Still Bourne was more fortunate than most people with disabilities in his time, for many never had the opportunity to get an education as, for example, the boy with cerebral palsy who was expelled from public school in Wisconsin in 1919. The reason was that despite his academic
ability, his teachers and classmates found him "depressing and nauseating." (Even as late as the 1960s, one in eight children with disabilities received no education whatsoever, and over half received an inappropriate education.) Eugenicists and professionals who dealt with people with disabilities proposed "segregation and sterilization of deaf people, blind people, people with developmental disabilities, even people like Bourne who had tuberculosis."

In fact, by the First World War sixteen states had adopted sterilization statutes for people with disabilities, and some eugenicists even supported mercy killing of those with epilepsy and cognitive disabilities. Fritz Lenz, a German physician-geneticist, in 1923 criticized Germany for having "nothing to match the eugenics research institutions in England and the United States." In his 1932 study of the sterilization movement in America, J.P. Landman referred to "overzealous and overardant eugenicists" who consider those with disabilities as threats to the "quality of the ensuing generations." The 1930s euthanasia movement in England and the United States "inspired execution by Nazi doctors of two-hundred thousand people judged deficient because of their physical and mental impairment."

Echoes of Nazi rhetoric were apparent in the statements of the 0well-publicized former physician Jack Kevorkian, who promoted and assisted, according to his own claim, as many as one-hundred and thirty suicides of people with disabilities. Kevorkian declared, "The voluntary self-elimination of individual mortally-diseased or crippled lives taken collectively can only enhance the preservation of public health and welfare." Fearing being perceived as costly and unproductive expendables, people with disabilities feel like the canaries in the mine in a social climate in which the "right-to-die" is becoming the duty-to-die." Even Derek Humphry and Mary Clement, prominent campaigners for the euthanasia movement, have stated that "in the final analysis, economics, not the quest for broadened civil liberties or increased autonomy, will drive assisted-suicide to the plateau of accepted practice." With a constant threat of scarce resources resulting in the rationing of health care services, with disability a possibility for anyone at any time, Humphry and Clement's assertion is a harbinger of a frightening dystopia.

The struggle for civil rights by people with disabilities beginning in the 1970s "took place with less visibility than, but in the same venues as, the battles fought by African-Americans-the streets and the courts." The symbolic significance of buses for both African Americans and people with disabilities should be noted. The requirement in the late 1950s that Rosa Parks sit in the back of the bus was emblematic of her second-class legal status. The inability of many people with disabilities to even board buses until the late 1970s and 1980s (when they demanded lift-equipped buses) was representative of their de facto segregation. The 1977 signing of the regulations for Section 504 of the Rehabilitation Act of 1973 (the first Federal civil rights law for people with disabilities) and the success of disability activists in many confrontations emboldened them to work toward full participation of the disability population in society. These victories, realizing the promise of the Section 504 regulations, were expressions of the emerging disability rights activism that would result in the 1990 Americans with Disabilities Act in the United States and the irrepressible demand for justice and inclusion by people with disabilities throughout the world.

Reprinted with permission from The Harvard Independent (February 14, 2002)

Darwin in the Genome

Guest blog by Lynn Helena Caporale
Author of Darwin In the Genome: Molecular Strategies in Biological Evolution
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

We are fortunate to be living at this very moment in human history, when we have the power to uncover the information passed from generation to generation, encoded in our genomes and those of all that is alive.  As chemists, biochemists, engineers and computer scientists and mathematicians develop even faster, automated methods for analyzing DNA, it all may seem so technical and aloof from the concerns of most people, and yet this work not only will transform medical research, but also will has profound implications for human society.  

As we look within our own genomes, what we find resonates with the teachings of many great religions, that we are all profoundly connected to each other, and to all life on earth.  The information carried within the genome of any one of us, the order in which the 4 different chemical letters that make up our DNA are arranged as beads on an approximately 3 billion letters string, is 99.97% the same as that of a perfect stranger.  While we may have been raised in very different environments, from a multi-million population urban center to a rural setting in an unindustrialized nation, raised to follow one religion or another, we all are, profoundly, at our core, so similar to each other.  

Each of us has inherited our very similar DNA from 2 parents, 4 grandparents, 8 great-grandparents. If we go back several hundred years, we will find that we, and others we never met, perhaps you and I, share many ancestors in common.  Our close relationship with all people extends into the future, as descendants of ourselves and members of our families meet and marry descendants of others alive today and share in the creation of new generations of children, and should extend to our hopes to build together the kind of future in which our shared children can thrive.  

Some of the strands in the very DNA molecules within our bodies have come to us across countless generations, as the two strands of the DNA double helix separate and are copied, to be passed on as two half-new double helices every time a cell divides. If we could step back in time to retrace our DNA¹s path, we will come to some very unexpected ancestors. We and chimps share a common ancestors, as do, towards the end of the large dinosaur era, we, chimps and mice.  Even further back, we all share ancestors with plants, and much much further back in time with bread yeast and even bacteria.  All life on earth [except some viruses] uses DNA as its genetic material, and must copy this same DNA using highly similar molecular machinery.  All life runs its metabolism with similar chemistry.  There are so many molecular similarities within all life on earth because we are all descended from the same life forms that evolved these capabilities and passed the information on to its progeny encoded in DNA.  As different families of living things emerged, they built upon a common framework.  Whether a fertilized egg is from a hummingbird egg or a frog or a human, it must carry information to make two eyes connected to a brain, four limbs, to digest food, dispose of waste, and to have a heart beating inside.

It is hard to conceive of how the journey of evolution could have taken place.  Of course, it also is hard to imagine how a single fertilized egg can, within nine months, develop into a baby with two eyes, four limbs, eyelashes, and curiosity about the world. We may find it hard to conceive of evolution, but then we realize that it is hard to conceive of such long periods of time.  In my book Darwin in the Genome, I propose that just as we learn about the world by living in it, life learns about adapting to new environments by surviving.  Life becomes better at evolution by survival from generation to generation.  While discussions about Darwin often emphasize ³survival of the fittest,² calling up images of fierce competitive fighters, in Darwin in the Genome I emphasize the importance of diversity and cooperation for survival.  Even bacteria cooperate, using a framework that enables them to share information about antibiotic resistance.   Diversity also is an essential part of fitness.  If we were not diverse, we might all have been wiped out as new pathogens spread rapidly through ancient communities.  As night owls guard the campfire at night, early risers came to relieve them in the pre-dawn hours.  As we look within our genomes, and those of other living creatures, I expect that we will come to treasure the diversity of the human species, and indeed, come to treasure the diversity of all life on earth.

Creating New Lives

Guest blog by Joy Carol
Author of Journeys of Courage: Remarkable Stories of the Healing Power of Community

Prison. There is likely no other word that can bring to mind such frightening images: solitary confinement, overcrowded cells, bars, handcuffs. 

A prisoner told me she felt she was just a number, no longer a human being, that being behind bars was about loneliness, misery, fear. In interviews with prisoners, I've been told to survive inside you have to learn to beat the system, to become a "successful convict." 
In Dublin, Ireland, I visited Mountjoy Prison where in 150 years, murderers, political prisoners, and drug addicts have been confined. In 1984, John Lonergan became Mountjoy's governor. He introduced a humanitarian attitude towards both prisoners and staff. 

For one day, I visited with Governor Lonergan and then spent hours locked behind the metal door of the Dóchas Center of Mountjoy's Women's Prison. I admit when I heard the bang of that door locking behind me I had a moment of bone-chilling anxiety: "What am I doing here? This wasn't a good idea." Inside I was allowed to wander freely and talk with the women. I wasn't certain who was a staff or a "prisoner" as almost everyone wore civilian clothes. There was a sense of community. 
During my time inside the Dóchas Center, I heard many stories, and I learned some special lessons about healing. 

* * * * * * * * * *
A Woman in Mountjoy for Transporting Drugs: 
I've been here for three months because of drug importation. I never took drugs, believe it or not. The father of my children made me do the job. We had a bad relationship so probably if I hadn't done it, he would have murdered me. Or I might have been in here myself for murdering him. 

Everything happened so fast. I knew when I was caught I was facing a long sentence. But I hoped I would get out quickly so I could be with my children. They are small and I miss them so much. My mom looks after them, but she finds it difficult. 

Being in here has helped me. I'm starting to change my life. I've been going to school fulltime and have done computer, speedwriting, and business organization courses. I passed all the classes and will go to college soon. I'm delighted because I will go out on day release. 

The staff encourages me to do things and have been very helpful. They understand I want to have a better life. Now I'm starting to overcome some of my fears and learning about myself. I've never been in any other prison, but I hear stories about them. If I had ended up in a prison that was anything like those, I probably wouldn't have survived. So I'm grateful for this Center. 

I think this place is helping me grow up quicker than I expected and everything is going to work better from now on. I'm a lot more mature now. I'm still young, so I'll have an opportunity to get on with my life. When I get out, I will continue my education so I can get a good job and support my children. Hopefully I will get there. No, I will get there.

John Lonergan, Governor of Mountjoy Prison:
When I was appointed Governor of Mountjoy Prison in 1984, the women's prison was a dark, depressing place with an austere regime.
 
After I left Mountjoy in 1988 to serve in another prison, the B Wing at Mountjoy was refurbished for women prisoners. When I returned in 1992, I was shocked to find it was totally unsuitable for women, worse than Alcatraz - cages, steel bars. Luckily Maire Geoghegan-Quinn, the first woman Minister for Justice, took an interest in the issue and approved a new facility specifically designed for women and with women helping in its design. We were determined it would not be known as Mountjoy Women's Prison. Eventually the name "Dóchas Center" was agreed upon - "Dóchas" is "hope" in Irish. 
Before opening in 1999, staff in consultation with women prisoners, drew up a vision statement. It underpins the ethos of the Center: 

We are a community that embraces people's respect and dignity. We encourage personal growth and development in a caring and safe environment. We are committed to addressing the needs of each person in a healing and holistic way. We actively promote close interaction with the wider community. 

Many improvements took place in the Center. The women were allowed to have makeup and wear their own clothes. This allowed the women to hold onto their identity and feel better about themselves. A multidisciplinary group was established to identify the principles for the Center. The concept of community was emerging with emphasis placed on caring rather than containing women. 

It's difficult for people to develop in an atmosphere of mistrust. Unfortunately the philosophy of prison is usually based on mistrust, thus the bars on windows, the handcuffing. One morning a woman was escorted to the hospital in handcuffs. I wondered if we were handcuffing people because of a risk that they might run away or they were a security danger or to reinforce the belief they were bad. When discussed with staff, there were questions about authority and the repercussions if women escaped. Eventually using handcuffs was based on security and safety factors. Now women go to hospitals or courts without handcuffs. This has resulted in an improvement in relationships between staff and the women. 

The Center was designed for community style living without the normal institutional atmosphere of cellblocks. We opted for house units to reflect normal living facilities. There are six houses each accommodating seventy-five women in single rooms with complete sanitation and showering facilities. Each house faces a courtyard and has a communal kitchen and dining room. The gates are open except for the main external one. The women move around freely within the Center and they're not shackled. They experience a sense of trust and freedom even within institutional constraints. They feel happier, and they are more open to education, counseling, and other opportunities. 

We have also tried to eliminate the excessive noise, rattling of keys, banging of gates, shouting. Initially the women shouted at each other and at the staff. But they have learned that things can get done by speaking normally, without aggression or abusive language. 
We hold events to promote "community". Women who have taken examinations are presented with certificates. We stage drama productions with the entire cast drawn from the prisoner population. Every Christmas a communal dinner is held involving staff, befrienders, and the women. We arrange for their children to come. There is much sadness when the children leave. On such occasions, the punishment element of prison strikes home. People don't realize that sadness is a reality of prison. The women are often very sad about the hurt they have caused others, their own loss of freedom, their separation from their children, and their lives of misery. 

Most of the women come from the lowest socioeconomic groups. They are financially and materialistically disadvantaged, and they are poverty stricken in ways such as education, emotional and psychological development, mental state. Many have been abused emotionally, psychologically, physically and sexually. Society doesn't understand how damaging such environments are for those who are forced to live in them. A high percentage is addicted to drugs and alcohol. They are often insecure and have low self-esteems. Most are unaware of their talents and potential. 

To build up the women's self-esteem and development, the Center has a variety of programs. The education unit provides a wide variety of subjects and work-training programs enabling women to re-enter the formal educational system. The welfare service helps them address personal and family problems; chaplains provide spiritual, supportive services; outside befrienders visit on a regular basis; a comprehensive healthcare service is provided; a catering service prepares balanced diets; family visits are facilitated in a comfortable visiting area. Those who work here accept the women as they are, encourage them to use their time as well as possible, and assist them in achieving their potential. 
Often society labels prisoners as being dangerous, useless, and "all the same". But, they are all unique individuals. I can truly say I've never met anyone in prison who was totally bad. I've always found a redeeming feature, some element of humanity, of goodness. They may have been overwhelmed with their dark side, but there was always some light. We are all human beings with the potential to do good and bad. Perhaps some of us are better able to control our dark side. 

We believe in promoting the good in people, giving them an opportunity to do something positive, and supporting them in that. In the process, we help them develop their humanity. If we only emphasize the bad in people we will get more badness out of them. Prisoners need to experience respect simply because they are human beings. Unfortunately, the poor, homeless, addicted, and imprisoned rarely experience respect. They are the people who need it most. But they are rejected and ostracized. Being locked in prison, prisoners have already been judged by the courts and been punished for their crimes. By leaving the judging outside the gate, we can respond to them in a more helpful way. Most people in prison actually feel badly about what they've done. They may appear to be hard-hearted and uncaring, but that's not often true. 

The changes we are making at the Dóchas Center are empowering for the women, but they are not always popular with the general public. The popular notion is that prisoners should be treated like "scum", but if we want prison to help prisoners change and move away from their lives of crime, we must treat them as human beings. 

Has the Dóchas Center made a difference? Of course it has. A chaplain described the changes that had taken place during his time here as a miracle. In the old system, the prisoner was nothing but a number. In the Center we try to understand the person, we involve them in decisions that affect their lives, and we treat them as fellow human beings. They respond positively and many have already done themselves proud. Every human being, young or old, rich or poor, needs to be loved and accepted as they are, warts and all. We are determined that the women in the Dóchas Center are not regarded as the Least, the Last and the Lost. 

* * * * * * * * * *
I will always remember my day in the Dóchas Center - a place of hope. I felt like I had been given a priceless gift. I learned a great deal about believing in people's innate goodness, about not making judgments regarding people considered to be "unworthy criminals", about valuing and treating all people with kindness and respect. 
Like the women in the Dóchas Center, we don't want to be stereotyped or labeled or abused. We desperately want to be trusted and embraced in a place of hope. And we too yearn to be treated as though we are valuable people with great worth. 

As I left the Dóchas Center, I heard the heavy metal door slide open that allowed me to leave the prison. It occurred to me that just by accident of birth I was not staying behind as one of the prisoners. Because I was born into a privileged class and culture, I will probably always have the freedom to step from one world into another - something the women in the Center and in prisons and correctional facilities around the world may never have. As the door banged shut behind me, I vowed to treat people with dignity and respect - especially those who have been disadvantaged by the misfortunes of poverty, cruelty and abuse. 
* * * * * * * * * *
Adapted from Joy Carol's newest book

A New Conversation About Dreams...Who's Directing Your Life?

Guest blog by Marcia Wieder

While aspects of you encourage, “Go for your dreams,” simultaneously other parts threaten, “Don’t you dare.” A cast of characters lives inside of you and at different times you may receive conflicting or contradictory messages. If you are want to be happy, successful, and fulfilled, consider putting your “dreamer” in the director’s chair.

What are the voices inside of you saying? As you turn the volume up on the voice of your dreamer and down on the voice of your doubter, you can practice discernment allowing for greater clarity. To assist you in hearing these voices, let’s set up a simple scenario. Picture something you want, something that matters to you. Choose a personal or professional dream and consider how these various parts of you might respond.

Dreamer – The dreamer inside says, “What if…” and is open to a creative process without over-analyzing it. This is the part of you that imagines, believes in possibilities, has hope, and seeks kindred spirits. Dreamers talk about their ideas with intention, clarity, and passion. Great dreamers get others excited about their vision. And most importantly, successful dreamers take action to make their dreams a reality.

Doubter – This voice is often heard saying such things as, “I don’t think this is a good idea.” The doubter provides concern touting, “But what if…” and imagines the worst. If you crank the volume up it can even become annihilating with accusations shouting things like, “Are you out of your mind?” William Shakespeare said, “Our doubts are traitors.” Carlos Castaneda said, “In order to experience the magic of life, you must banish the doubt.” My favorite quote on this subject is in The Prophet where Kahlil Gibran wrote, “Doubt is a feeling too lonely to know that Faith is its twin brother.”

Realist – “Be realistic…” Modulate the doubter down a notch or two and it becomes the essential voice of the realist. This part wants to know, “What’s the plan?” including where is the time and money coming from. However, in the early phase of dreaming, you may not know. The challenge is not to allow the realist to immediately turn into a doubter who might judge or obliterate your idea. Honor this voice by (to the best of your ability) giving it the information it needs. If you ignore or reject it, it will cleverly agitate or distract you. Being realistic offers prudence and makes you do your homework but if you are overly realistic or go to strategy too soon, you will most likely compromise the dream and kill your passion.

Visionary – This voice says, “Anything is possible so let’s dream big!” These are the leaders and people we look up to and admire. They have learned the process of realizing their dreams and embody what it means to be a big dreamer. Setbacks or failures do not stop them. Simply put, a visionary has a vision and invites others to join them. They are found in all walks of life and we are often so inspired when they are in the presence of a true visionary that we sign up just to be near them or part of what they’re doing. 

A visionary is not defined by the size of the dream since dreams are precious and come in all sizes, shapes and areas of life. If you were living your dream life, how would it be different? What do you see yourself doing? How many lives would you touch? What would you change? Who would you help if you were truly living as a visionary?

Avoid Sabotaging Your Dream

When these different voices merge they can become muddled and result in confusion and poor decisions. For example, you might poison your dream by projecting doubt into it. Then with each step you take toward what you want, you also move toward your doubt. Doubt and fear, which most of us may have at some time or another (especially when embarking on a new or big dream) do not belong in your dream. These feelings are simply part of your reality. This is a subtle and essential point.

Here’s a simple technique for avoiding this sabotaging pattern. On a piece of paper draw a line across the middle. On the top half write out your dream with as much detail as possible. On the bottom write out your reality in relationship to your dream, where you are now. Reality usually includes good news and (so called) bad, as well as any fear or doubt you may have. Just state the facts and your feelings about them. 

Now, which one are you more committed to; your dream or your reality? We tend to choose “reality” when we don’t have a clearly defined dream or when we saturate our dream with doubt. If your dream is loaded with your worst imagined nightmares, reality will always seem safer and saner. But doubt placed appropriately as part of your reality, allows two things to happen. First, no longer blown out of proportion, it’s an obstacle that basically requires a strategy to manage it. But more importantly, with doubt where it rightfully belongs, you are free to move forward.

It’s like a play. All the characters have wisdom and insight, but you can’t clearly understand them when they’re speaking at once. Take time to tune in, to listen, and on a regular basis, have the courage to give your dreamer its directorial debut or even the leading role.
 

Can Caretakers Take Care of Themselves?

Guest blog by Debbie E.Mandel
Author of Turn On Your Inner Light: Fitness for Body, Mind and Soul
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

On a daily basis, four stressors constantly bombard us: environmental, physical, internal and national. Then we wonder why we feel anxious, irritable, fatigued and unhappy. Shedding stress must be a top priority because stress hormones like cortisol and epinephrine coursing throughout the body without a release outlet do physical and emotional damage. If we are unbalanced, all the people who depend on us suffer as well. Of course, this is reason enough to take care of ourselves for the sake of others, but how about exhibiting some compassion for the self? Sometimes we take better care of our pets than we do of ourselves. Carl Jung explained that the hardest person to have compassion for is the self. We need to become selfish in order to cultivate a sense of who we are and express what we want.

Go From Worrier to Warrior

Emotional and physical health depends on the metaphysical balance of giving and receiving. Both the Kabbalah, a work of Jewish mysticism and the Book of Transformations by the Dali Lama state the same concept: In life we can't just keep giving to others. Some of us, particularly women, tend to be givers. However, we must learn how to receive as well because if we just give away what we have to others, we become depleted. Don't wait to be sick and tired before you say no! We need to ask ourselves how we feel before we agree. If it doesn't feel right, or we intuit that it is wrong, we have to honor our feelings, not suppress them, and say no. When we don't, we often become ill. Our disease usually symbolizes the underlying emotional condition that we are blocking out.

The "good little girl syndrome" and the "accommodating woman" must be balanced with personal goals. A first step is to get rid of a word like, should from our vocabulary and change it to could or choose. If our schedule becomes overwhelming, we need to prioritize, release what is no longer important and clean out the clutter. Everyone has freedom of choice and the determination to feel empowered. Each one of us has a mission to experience the feeling of fulfillment and simply stated we must strive to be the best person we can be. Therefore, we must learn to engage in activities that keep us personally stimulated. Everyday we can make a point to learn something new. Routine deadens both the heart and soul.

Sometimes we cannot control what happens to us, but we can control our perceptions. Some people let defeat ruin them; others let victory ruin them. It is neither the win nor the loss that makes you triumphant, only how you feel about yourself. Self-doubt and negative self-talk create paralysis. We need to visualize a successful outcome just as an athlete does prior to a competition or a speaker preparing to address a large audience. Each triumphant performer envisions the event and sees the self successfully completing and shining! Recite a personal affirmation to facilitate the positive outcome. Conceive, Believe, Achieve.

Use humor to objectify difficult situations and restore balance. If it were happening to someone else in a sitcom, you know you would be laughing. Try not to take yourself so seriously and use the humor to take the sting out of these volatile situations. G. K Chesterton aptly said: Angels can fly because they take themselves so lightly. An added benefit: humor boosts the immune system.

And lastly, exercise away your stress. When you are angry or unhappy, exercise will release stress hormones, release your endorphins to make you feel alive, oxygenate your brain to help you think more clearly, lower your blood pressure and strengthen your heart, build up your bones and muscles, reverse the aging process, activate your immune system-need I say more? In addition, exercise will help you organize your day in a healthy way by making you pay more attention to what you eat: proteins, complex carbohydrates, a rainbow diet of fruits and vegetables, fiber and plenty of water. No deprivation, please! The body needs to be constantly fueled to function efficiently and so does the mind. Exercise increases focus for the mind/muscle connection, which carries over into life quality. 

Each day find a balance between earth practicality and spiritual vision. There is no separation between mind and body, not even a hyphen-one word, mindbody. When you find your personal balance, you will live your authentic life expressing your true opinions and achieving your goals one by one. Through positive perception you will heal and grow. Get rid of toxicity and negativity in your life. That includes toxic friends and family. Surround yourself with positive people, media and books. Meditate daily on the good in your life; on things you appreciate or used to appreciate but now take for granted. Learn to read life in order to be receptive to the universe. When you see the obvious, what is in front of your eyes, the rest will be revealed to you. As in Zen philosophy: Before enlightenment, carry water, chop wood. After enlightenment, carry water, chop wood. What has changed? Perception. Be in the moment in everything that you do and enjoy that moment intensely. The moment may be all that we have.

Be Safe. Have fun, live life but keep Your Eyes Wide Open!

Guest blog by Kristie Kilgore
Author of  Eyes Wide Open: Bodyguard Strategies for Self-Protection

This situation with the sniper calls us to realize how fragile life is and how precious. This is a call to each an every american to take their personal freedom seriously AND their personal protection. It is up to YOU to stay safe. Like children, we put our lives in the hands of others everyday. Truthfully, only you can keep you safe.

First decide that your life matters and that you will take steps to be safe. The best thing you can do to prepare for random violence is to decide that your life matters and you will protect it.

Second - The next best thing you can do for yourself is to be aware of your normal surroundings in everyday life. Noticing something that is out of place or someone who is out of place is an important step.

Third - your eye-sight is a great gift. Walking with an unfocused gaze allows your eyes to perceive motion in your peripheral vision.

Fourth - although this is a serious terrifying horrific situation, MOST violence is predictable. True random violence is rare. Learn important warning signs - today!

Fifth - Make a habit of noticing entrances and exits to buildings when you enter them and make a game (a fun game that is a part of your daily life) of using your recall to observe your surroundings. Take snapshots with your vision and try to recall 10 or 15 minutes later what was in your field of vision. This skill translates in an emergency to noticing danger before IT notices YOU.

A Personal Journey of Grief, Recovery and Remembrance

Guest blog is a personal message from author Marion Gold
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

Mothers and daughters. We may argue and disagree about many things - yet we are forever bonded in a way that cannot be shared between fathers and daughters, or siblings, or friends. 

When a parent dies, well-meaning friends, colleagues, and loved ones provide their sympathy and other words of comfort. Most often the love and kindness they bestow is appreciated and helpful. But grief is a path we must travel alone as we embark on a journey towards comfort and renewed strength. How we travel that path is highly personal. It may include sharing our feelings with others, crying inside or outwardly, reaching towards religion. There are as many ways to grieve and heal, as there are personalities among us.

When my mother, Ray Katz Gold, passed away last year, my journey took me down a path that was surprising, comforting and enlightening in ways I could never have imagined. I had lost both parents in just two years, my dad to progressive supranuclear palsy after years of bravely fighting this rare and untreatable illness. I was utterly devoted to my dad. He was my hero - a hard-working person who stood tall, spoke with a clear and confident voice - and provided a role model of entreprenuerism and self-sufficiency. I was daddy's little girl - regardless of my chronological age. 

So growing up, and as I reached adulthood, I thought my strength and tenacity came only from my father. But I learned after Dad became so ill, that much of my strength and purpose also came from Mom. I learned that despite their separate "family roles," they were a team, a strong team - and I was the result of that teamwork. 

During my father's dreadful illness, my mother was constantly at his side, tending to his every need. She never failed to rise to the occasion during many crises. After dad passed away, my mother and I grew much closer, spending hours and hours burning up the phone lines between Fair Lawn and Chicago. I began to know her in ways I never imagined - to understand the depth of her knowledge of life, her varied interests, and her spiritual strength. 

Most people knew my mother as the wife of Larry Gold, or as a daughter - the youngest and only daughter in a family of six children. They knew her as the mother of three children, and later as a grandmother to my sister's two sons. Mom loved her traditional family roles, but there was so much more to Ray Gold that she yearned to express. During our long nightly talks, I learned that it bothered Mom how most people didn't realize that beneath the caretaker and cook, mother and daughter, wife and sister - she was an intelligent woman who kept up to date on current events that included local and national politics - and feminist issues of the day. 

My mother was also a talented artist. When I was a young girl, Mom would spend hours with me drawing fashion figures of elegant women. She had a great sense of color and design that she expressed in many works of art. Her once nimble fingers crafted beautiful needlepoint, and she crocheted blankets and pillowcases that are our family heirlooms. Her paper sculptures of people and animals were thoughtfully framed and sold in a local shop near my father's shoe store, with others given lovingly to family and friends. 

As Mom grew older, she stopped working with paper sculpture because her arthritic hands could not manage the delicate maneuvers of the tiny scissors and other materials nor could she withstand the fumes of the glue that would hold the sculptures together. As my father grew more ill, in those rare moments that weren't given to his care, she was a voracious reader of cookbooks not just the recipes but the history and culture behind the menus. "I read cookbooks like other people read novels," Mommy told me more than once. Over my desk I keep one of her favorite recipes, "easy chicken fricassee," on which she wrote, "Made - very good - next time I will mix dark & light chicken." I don't think there was one recipe among her collection to which she hadn't added her own special touch.

After Dad was gone, Mom still insisted on living life on her own terms, and sadly to her physical detriment. Although Mom had never lived alone, she wanted to remain in her own home, in her own way -with the loving memories of my father and their life together enfolding her. It was not an easy path for Mom to follow. But she was determined to do things her own way. It was her path, and that was important to my mother. She was far stronger and more determined than I had ever realized. 

In the months following my mother's passing, I found it very hard to write. A book I was writing languished. Articles and editorials didn't get beyond the first two paragraphs. I began to realize that it was my mother's strength that had helped me face the grief of losing dad. Now, they were both gone and regardless of a satisfying career and personal home life with Jerry, my partner of 25 years, I felt like my soul had been torn from me and I would never again find peace. I kept thinking of my mother's artwork, looking with fascination at the care with which she placed each tiny piece of paper onto her canvas to create a lifelike picture. Her needlework that I gently touched, hoping to feel the softness of her hands as she worked so carefully on every stitch.

Among the artwork tucked away in our New Jersey home, I found boxes of vintage beads that she had been saving for one of her projects. I set aside the marketing book I was writing and began to work with the beads - and it seemed to soothe me - and to help me deal with my grief.

In looking through craft magazines, I found new ways to work with the beads, and began stringing them on to carved pewter bookmarks. I added to my mother's bead collection and used them to form the basis for colorful ballpoint pens. Soon I had dozens of these "products." I gave several as gifts to loved ones, as memories of my mother. Then I thought, my mom sold some of her artwork. Why couldn't I sell my pens and bookmarks? Why couldn't others give these one-of-a-kind designs as loving gifts? Or collect for personal use? 

I felt a sense of energy again, and I imagined my mom and dad encouraging me - as they had always done. I know my mother would have really loved the bookmarks to use in her collection of cookbooks. And the pens, well, they would have been carefully placed in the shoeboxes my father used to store his collection of ballpoint pens - hundreds of them that I also found carefully packed away in our New Jersey home.

To market the pens and bookmarks, I took the artisan name of Miriam Bat-Rachel: My mother's Hebrew name (Rachel), joined with my own (Miriam), and then adding the Hebrew term Bat, meaning daughter of. I created and mailed a press kit, and started calling on several local shops. Imagine my delight at seeing the pens and bookmarks displayed in two top-notch boutiques in the high-rise malls on North Michigan Avenue - colorful and creative items that my Mom would have enjoyed using and collecting.

I've slowly been able to get back to writing my marketing book, and ideas for new publishing projects are starting to take shape. I've even set the plans in motion to create a series of children's picture books that use my dad's wonderful photography to celebrate his love of animals and zoos. But my beaded pens and bookmarks will remain an important part of my creative life as a tribute to my parents as well as a remembrance. 

My mother and father set a beautiful example of great strength, courage and love throughout their lives. They understood that life is indeed a journey, and often a journey in the midst of trouble. Life takes us through conflicts of passions and conscience, the disappointments of business and false friendships, and the tragedies of poverty and prejudice. But life also takes us to unknown places in the heart and mind that are filled with wonder and creativity. My parents gave me the gifts of their love and strength, and the encouragement to explore those unknown places - and so I am.

Generally, I am a very private person. I've confined my writing to marketing, healthcare education, and women's advocacy issues. But it is my hope that my personal journey will inspire others. I will miss my parents forever, and not a day goes by that I don't think of them with a mix of joy, sadness and cherished memories - and the creative process is but one way I chose to honor them.

Written in loving memory of Larry and Ray Gold. (c) 2003 Marion E. Gold. Reprinted with permission.

Three Things to Look for in A Movie That Can Change Your Life

Guest blog by Maria Grace, Ph.D
Author of Reel Fulfillment: A 12-Step Plan for Transforming Your Life Through Movies

If you want to be happier and you also love movies, this article will teach you how to use their lessons to change your life. To achieve this, you must look for three things in every movie you watch. If the movie has all three, it can be a rich, meaningful experience that can change your life while you're also having fun. Here's what to look for: 

1. Does this movie inspire you? Great mentors must be able to bring out the best in us. A good movie must have the power to inspire you through the characters it brings to life. If you love a movie, you can use it as your inspirational force by answering these questions: How did this film inspire you to go after what's important in you life:· What did the characters teach you about success and what will you do to follow their examples?· What did the characters teach you about mistakes and what harmful actions will you avoid in your life? 

2. Does this movie stir in you powerful emotions? In watching a movie, it's safe to feel emotions you usually hide in real life, from sadness and pain to joy and bliss. Life is full of emotion. If a movie can not stir powerful emotions in you, it's not a story about real life but a lifeless illustration in motion. To make the most out of a good film's ability to stir powerful emotions, answer these questions: 
· What powerful feelings did this movie stir in you?
· How have you been handling those feelings in real life (such as avoiding, suppressing, or letting out of control) and what results are you getting?
· Can you make any improvements in the way you are handling those feelings?

3. Does this movie show you how to handle the unknown? Like a great teacher, a good movie must have lessons that prepare you for the unknown and warn you about the dangers of the future. The characters must be honest examples of real people and their ways of dealing with life's curveballs must teach meaningful lessons for your life. To make the most out of those lessons, answer these questions: 
· What did this character (or characters) do to face that unexpected challenge?
· What happened as a result?
· What am I learning from the example of this character (or characters) that I must use (or avoid) in my own life, when I face a similar challenge?
When a movie does not meet the three criteria, it can still influence you through other, equally important elements, such as special effects, cinematography, great action sequences, or the soundtrack. In such a case, ask yourself: "What do I like about this movie that I want to have more of in my life?" If it's the music, then put more music in your life. If it's the cinematography, then add in your schedule some art-related activities. If it's the action sequences, then pick an area of your life that lacks action and do something about it.

How to Apply the 3 Criteria
Get together with two or three friends who love movies. Pick a movie from the following list and watch using the three criteria above. Keep in mind the questions listed within each criterion. Then, answer the questions that follow below. 

1. "The Aviator" is a biopic about Howard Hughes, who became a magnet following his passion for aviation as he fought the debilitating effects of mental illness.
2. "Ray" is a biopic about singer Ray Charles who achieved world fame as he fought blindness, poverty, racism, and heroin addiction.
3. "The Notebook" is the story of two people who grow old together letting nothing stand in the way of their love for each other.
4. "Million Dollar Baby" is the story of a determined female boxer who achieves her dream just before life throws her a punch that she's not prepared to return. 

Questions to answer: 
- How did the film inspire you?
- What powerful feelings did it stir in you?
- What did it teach you about handling the unknown?

Now make a list of:
1. Something you have a desire to achieve.
2. An obstacle you think is blocking you from achieving it.
3. Three strengths you gained from watching the recommended movies. 
Put your learning to practice with concrete actions. Enjoy the results.

Defining Our Own Destinies

Guest blog by Leslie Carroll
Author of Royal Affairs: A Lusty Romp Through the Extramarital Adventures That Rocked the British Monarchy
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

One thing that struck me as I researched the lives of the royal mistresses who are profiled in ROYAL AFFAIRS was that for the most part, these women were not "victims" who were thrust into compromising relationships with men they didn't love. On the contrary, they were clever women who, given the legal and social constraints on females during their day, had the rare opportunity to shape their own destiny-and grabbed it with both hands.

That's not to say that many of the mistresses I "met" during my research were "nice girls." Many of them were greedy and grasping, with their hands in the treasury, the privy purse, and the pockets of those who sought to gain patronage from their royal lovers. King George I had two German mistresses who exemplify this type. Lady Castlemaine, one of Charles II's favorite mistresses and the mother of several of his children was renowned for her relentless greed. But that's not to say that these women didn't passionately-and occasionally too passionately-adore their men. And, no matter whether you'd want to have lunch with them, these women-all of them-were significantly more empowered in their day than just about any other women of their era, including the queen-consorts, their "rivals" for the monarch's affection. In general, a queen-consort was little more than a well-dressed womb whose job was to produce the requisite "heir and a spare" and remain otherwise chaste, maintaining a stainless reputation in order to avoid all suspicion that her children might not have been spawned by her husband, the sovereign. 

Some of the women profiled in ROYAL AFFAIRS had careers of their own before they met their royal lovers. Nell Gwyn, Mary Robinson, and Dorothy Jordan were the most celebrated actresses of their day. However, they lived during a time when being an "actress" (even if you performed the works of Shakespeare and other "serious" dramatists) was tantamount to being a prostitute. Actresses displayed their bodies on the public stage-for money! They were notoriously considered loose-moraled, supplementing their salaries on the gifts (monetary and otherwise) that came from their various "admirers." But my research into royal affairs led me to a great hypocrisy, which should not have surprised me, I suppose, yet as an actress myself, it made me shiver with anger. 

The double-standard I discovered was that acting was considered a disgraceful profession for the reasons I cited above, yet the royals thought nothing of (even if they were married-or if the actress was married), consummating a passionate and frequently adulterous affair with them. However, if they wished to become the prince's or king's mistress-before such extra-connubial canoodling could take place, the actresses were requested by their royal lovers to put aside their "disgraceful" and "shameful" profession-the career that had gained these women recognition and renown (as well as an independent income-a rare thing for a woman before the 20th century) 

My Forward to ROYAL AFFAIRS includes a paragraph about royal mistresses and how many of them they were able to parlay their unusual opportunity into a life-changing event:
And what of the mistresses? During the earlier, and more brutal, eras of British history, a woman didn't have much (if any) choice if the king exercised his droit de seigneur and decided to take her to bed. Often, girls were little more than adolescents when their ambitious parents shoved them under the monarch's nose. However, most of the mistresses in Royal Affairs were not innocent victims of a parent's political agenda or a monarch's rampaging lust. They were clever, accomplished, often ambitious women, not always in the first bloom of youth and not always baseborn, who cannily parlayed the only thing they had-their bodies-into extravagant wealth and notoriety, if not outright fame. In many cases, their royal bastards were ennobled by the king, making excellent marriages and living far better than their mothers could have otherwise provided. Eventually taking their place in the House of Lords, the mistresses' illegitimate sons went on to become the decision makers who shaped an empire and spawned the richest and most powerful families in Britain.

Having talked about other women's stories, I'd like to share my own with you. I spent many years in "pink collar" jobs making other people money before becoming a full-time writer and my own boss. I worked in several fields, including journalism, marketing, and law. When I toiled for lawyers, I was usually employed by solo practitioners. More often than not I was their legal secretary, legal assistant, receptionist, bookkeeper, and office manager. I ate lunch over my keyboard. I took home barely enough money to make ends meet. Scratch that-I dipped deep into my savings to support myself, even as a single woman in NYC living in a rent-stabilized apartment. I got my assignments done as quickly, thoroughly, and efficiently as possible, so I could leave myself time in the workday to write. Thank God for Windows programs where one can quickly switch screens! My employers never had cause to complain about my work ethic or my output-though of course when I left the jobs they would cite my writing during business hours as an issue! Naturally, I challenged them on this point: if they knew what I was doing and had a problem with it, why, during the entire course of my employment, had they never raised the subject?

In June, 2003, I was downsized from a secretarial position I'd held for half a year, By that date I had had two novels published and another one in the editorial pipeline. In fact book #3, TEMPORARY INSANITY, was about my experiences in day-job hell. But rather than jump back into the survival-job pool and seek a new position working for yet another boss who undervalued my skills or company that had made me feel miserable, and had systematically sapped my soul, I chose to become the mistress of my own destiny. I decided that come hell or high water, from then on I would make my living as a writer. I would enrich myself, literally and spiritually for the first time in my life. Serendipity had offered me the chance to choose to follow my bliss.

And I did. This year, 2008, my 10th and 11th novels were published. I have written 7 works of contemporary women's fiction under my own name, and 4 works of historical fiction under the pen name Amanda Elyot-all of which have been published since 2002. ROYAL AFFAIRS marks my nonfiction debut and I have just entered an agreement with my publisher for another nonfiction book, currently titled NOTORIOUS ROYAL MARRIAGES. This volume will spotlight many of Europe's most famous royal couples (including Henry II and Eleanor of Aquitaine, Ferdinand and Isabella, and Napoleon and Josephine-up through the centuries all the way to the marriage of Charles and Camilla-seen through the prism of the wife's point of view).

I'm my own boss now. I make my own hours, and you have no idea how fabulous it feels to be finally enjoying a fulfilling career (instead of a frustrating job). And sometimes I like to joke that instead of all my hard work making some jerky boss rich, now I'm the "jerk" who gets to enjoy the fruits of my labors.

I can't emphasize enough that any woman at any stage in her life can take charge of her destiny and pursue her passion, no matter how long she has neglected it, or her own needs. Impractical? Imprudent? Unrealistic? Unattainable? Somehow, once a woman sets her mind and focuses her energies on empowering and enriching herself, the economics seem to take care of themselves.  

Your Voice Is Your Instrument

Guest blog by Wendy Weiss
Author of Cold Calling for Women: Opening Doors and Closing Sales
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

On an introductory call, your voice is your instrument. During a face-to-face meeting, you have visual cues and body language available to add layers of meaning. On the telephone, you have only your voice and the words that you use. The way that you use your voice can make or break your conversation.

Imagine that you are telling a bedtime story to a child. You would not drone on in a bored tone about the “Big, Bad Wolf.” No! You would put fear and passion into your voice to have that story come alive for that child. On an introductory call, you are telling your story to your prospect. Think about it in the same manner—what you would like that prospect to hear, feel and see. 

The emphasis on any particular word can totally change the meaning of a sentence. Let’s take the phrase, “She is not a thief.” If you emphasize the “She”—the sentence means that she is not a thief, but someone else is. If you emphasize “not”—the sentence is a defense. If you emphasize “thief”—the sentence implies that she is something else that you have just not named. Think about the emphasis that you wish to make—and use your voice accordingly!

Look at each sentence in your sales pitch and determine what you are trying to convey and what is the best way to do so. Try out different line deliveries, until you are satisfied with the result. Use a tape recorder to listen to how you sound. Do you sound like someone with whom you would like to have a conversation? Listen for warmth and passion in your voice. Do you sound interesting? Convincing? Confident? Is your speech clear, professional and pleasant? Or do you sound angry, tired, tentative or bored? Is your speaking voice nasal, a monotone or singsong? Do you speak too fast or too slow? Do you mumble? Remember as you listen to the tape that you hear yourself differently than do others. By listening to your taped voice, you will hear yourself as others hear you.

Once you have determined what you wish to convey to your prospect, practice your script until it flows easily. You do not want to sound like you are reading a script. Call your friends and pitch them. Perhaps you can work with a colleague who is also making introductory calls. This way, when you have your prospect on the telephone, you will be prepared and voice the message that you wish to voice.

Why Are We All So Afraid?

Guest blog by Wendy Weiss
Author of Cold Calling for Women: Opening Doors and Closing Sales 
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

What can strike terror into the heart of even the most successful sales professional or entrepreneur? 

Cold Calling.

What can crush self-confidence, destroy self-esteem and leave even the most seasoned sales professional quivering with humiliation and defeat?

Cold Calling.

But why?

Every culture has its myths and stereotypes, and one of ours is the stereotype of the manipulative, unscrupulous salesman. The term "sales" conjures images of untrustworthiness and deviousness. We have the stereotypes of the "traveling salesman," the "used car salesman" and, of course, the "telemarketer." 

These terms do not literally describe what the person is selling; they take on a larger meaning. For example, our cultural translation of "used car salesman" is not simply
someone who is selling used cars, but instead means someone who is unethical, uncaring and will pressure you into a sale that is not necessarily in your best interest. "Telemarketer" has come to mean not just someone who sells over the telephone, but someone who interrupts your dinner, doesn't listen and tries to pressure you into meaningless, valueless purchases. It can also mean someone who is running a scam over the telephone, usually preying on the elderly.

This is not the reality of individual telemarketers or used car salesmen. It is the stereotype. And these stereotypes do a huge disservice to most salespeople. Far too often, 
salespeople buy into these stereotypes, these images of untrustworthiness, placing themselves, in their own minds, on a lower level than their prospects.

If you buy into these negative images, you are at a disadvantage before you even pick up the telephone to call your prospect. It is imperative to change the way that you think about this process. Examine your intent:

? Is your product or service meaningful?
? Does it provide a benefit?
? Do you believe in the value and benefit of what you are selling?
? Are you doing the best that you know how to insure that your customers get what they need?

If your answers to the above questions are that you have a meaningful product or service, it provides value, you believe in your product or service, you are doing your very best to insure that your customers get what they need-if those are your answers, why then, you don't fit the
stereotype. Stop acting as if you do! Stop apologizing. Stop feeling uncomfortable. Proceed with pride and integrity.

But there are some additional reasons that people fear cold calling. When you are face-to-face with someone, you have all of the visual cues to help you through the sales process. How does the person look? How is she dressed? What are her facial expressions? Does she make eye content? Is she smiling? Is she frowning? We instantly and intuitively assess these cues, and they help us determine what is happening in our communication. 

On the telephone, you have none of those cues. That's what makes it so scary. It's as though you are suddenly blind, and you cannot tell what is going on. It is important to train yourself to listen very deeply when you are on the telephone-you must hear those cues that you would normally see. And remember-your prospect has no visual cues either! That is why it is imperative to use your voice expressively and have a clear message.

Who Should I Call?

Guest blog by Wendy Weiss
Author of Cold Calling for Women: Opening Doors and Closing Sales  
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

Over the past several months, I have received e-mails from readers who are starting to make introductory calls. They ask how they can pinpoint whom to call. They are really asking two
questions. The questions are: "Who should I call?" and "Who is most likely to buy?"

Part of sales is simply numbers. If you open the telephone book at random and simply start dialing, if you stay at it long enough, eventually, you will reach someone who will say "yes." This would take a long time and not be particularly productive—but it would happen.

A better approach is to create an "ideal customer profile." And here you need to be very specific. You are creating the model to which you will match all of your prospects. I call this "prequalifying." The more specific you are, the easier it will be to find the best prospects—the ones who are most likely to buy. Look at all the demographics; location, revenues, number of employees or specific industries. If you are in the consumer market, look at age, income level, interests...

If you've been in business for a while, take a look at your top 10 customers. Plot out what they have in common. Look for similarities—you can assume that businesses that are similar might also need your products or services. What are the industries? Do the decision-makers have similar titles? Take the
time to fully break down all of the similarities in your customer base. The more clearly you can define your potential customers, the easier it will be to find them.

Another good place to look when creating your "ideal customer profile" is at your competition, because your competition's customers are potentially your customers as well. Call your competition and ask for their marketing materials or visit their web site. Generally, these will list past and/or current customers. You can analyze this list in the same manner that you analyzed your customer list.

Look also at why your customers buy your products and/or services and why they buy from you. Understanding the need and understanding the benefits to your potential customers will go a long way to help you target whom to call.

Once you have your "ideal customer profile" (and by the way—you could have several different "ideal customer profiles"), go to the library and tell the librarian exactly what you are looking for. She should be able to tell you exactly where to find lists of prospects—for free. At the library, they have association directories, trade journals, business directories…

Also, join associations in related industries where you might find prospects. This will provide you with valuable networking opportunities along with a membership directory. If you do not want to join an association, contact them anyway—sometimes they sell membership directories. You can do the same thing with trade publications in related industries. They sometimes sell subscriber lists. Your local chamber of commerce is also a good place to look for leads.

Lists of prospects are everywhere. All you need to begin is the company name and main telephone number. Everything else—the name of the decision-maker, the correct company address, etc.—you can find out in your telephone call.

Once you have your list, divide your leads into "A," "B" and "C" according to the priority you give them—"A" being highest priority and "C" the lowest. You can move leads from list to list as you gather new information. Concentrate on your "A" leads. They are the ones with the most potential. If, however, you are a beginner, are not yet comfortable and/or are trying out a new approach, start with your "C" list. It will be low priority, low anxiety, and you will get some practice and more than likely some "yes's."

Wendy Weiss © 2003

"Warm Calling" vs. "Cold Calling" Rant

Guest blog by Wendy Weiss
Author of Cold Calling for Women: Opening Doors and Closing Sales  
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

Had another conversation with yet another entrepreneur who told me he does not "cold call," he only does "warm calls." 

I continue to be baffled by those who cut off possibilities with a semantic twist. "Cold call, warm call," it's simply a state of mind. Your mind. Your prospect does not make those distinctions. Just because you have designated a call to be "warm" doesn't mean that the person you are calling thinks it's "warm." This "warm call/cold call" concept is a smoke screen that covers the real issue.

The real issue is controlling your message. The real issue is being able to communicate with a prospect so that they understand and resonate with what you have to say. The real issue is about having the skill necessary to communicate with a prospect under any circumstance.

Prospecting by phone, introductory calling as I prefer, is a communication skill. Like any communication skill it can be learned and it can be improved upon. The idea when introductory calling is to contact a qualified prospect and entice them with your message. You have a brief amount of time on the telephone to catch and engage your prospect. If you are not able to do that, the call ends without achieving your desired result. If you have
the proper skills, however, it is possible to have extremely productive conversations with prospects no matter how you choose to categorize them, "warm" or "cold."

The idea of a "warm call" is that you've had some prior contact with your prospect and that you have somehow "warmed up" the call. The prior contact might be with a letter sent before your call, it might be that you have encountered the prospect elsewhere it could also be that you have a referral.

All too frequently callers who use the "I only warm call" approach do not adequately prepare for their calls. Instead, they rely on the appellation "warm." If you are one of these callers, stop right here and ask yourself these questions:

--> How many "warm" prospects have said "no" to me over the years?

--> Would those calls have been more productive if I had been better prepared and more in control of my message?

Although you may have sent a letter, you have no guarantee that your prospect has read it. Although you may have met previously, your prospect may not recall that. Although you may have a referral that is no guarantee that your prospect will meet with you or have any interest at all in your products or services.

When you are on the phone with a prospect you must deal with them, where they are, at that particular moment in time. If your prospect hasn't read your letter, doesn't remember the person who referred you, or is simply having a bad day, that's out of your control. What is within your control when prospecting is to have honed your skills so that your message is clear and so that you can respond in any situation. 

When you have skills, you know how to catch a prospect's attention, you know how to keep their attention, you know how to respond to questions and objections and you know how to ask for what you want. When you have those skills it's no longer about a "warm" call or a "cold" call, it's about communication, conversation and results. 

Warm Calls vs. Cold

Guest blog by Wendy Weiss
Author of Cold Calling for Women: Opening Doors and Closing Sales
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

Recently, a participant in one of my public seminars gave me a “warm” lead, the name and telephone number of the training director of a company with a large sales force. She told me to call. She said she knew that they needed help, and she told me to use her name.

Wow! A “warm” lead! I was excited! I called!

Once I reached the prospect, I introduced myself and then mentioned the name of the participant who had given me the referral. 

The response was not what I expected. “What did she say?” he snarled. “How do you know her?” It seems the two of them were not on very good terms, and he didn’t think very highly of her. What had just happened to my “warm” lead? (Why this woman gave me this lead is perhaps the subject for a different article.)

Does this type of scenario happen all of the time? Let’s hope not! But the point is that the difference between a “warm” call and a “cold” call exists only in your mind. Whether or not you have a referral, when you call your prospect, you must have done your homework. You still must be able to represent yourself intelligently and articulately on the telephone. If you cannot do that, you will not move to the next step.

These arbitrary distinctions of “warm” and “cold” actually make it more difficult for you, because you assume that the “cold” call is harder than the “warm” call. That is not necessarily true. Frequently, people avoid making “cold” calls, assuming that they will be more difficult and yield fewer results. Conversely, they don’t always do their homework on a referral, assuming that it is some how “in the bag.” The truth is that “cold” calls quickly become “warm” calls when the caller has done her homework and is able to introduce herself in a clear and succinct manner. Don’t limit yourself with artificial distinctions of “warm” vs. “cold.”

Whether or not you have a referral, you are calling to introduce yourself, your company and product or service. Forget “warm” calls and “cold” calls.” Think “introductory” call.

So, what happened with my “warm” call turned “cold?” I stayed calm. I got the appointment anyway. The rest I’m still working on. 

Use Testimonials to Market Yourself

Guest blog by Wendy Weiss
Author of Cold Calling for Women: Opening Doors and Closing Sales
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

Testimonials are a wonderful way to market yourself. They give you credibility-a third-party endorsement. It is no longer you alone saying that you and your company and products or services are phenomenal-it is someone else saying that they are phenomenal! When you place an ad, everyone knows that you have paid for it. It is you "tooting your own horn." Much more believable and credible is someone else "tooting your horn!" Use testimonials in your marketing materials, use them on your web site, use them in advertisements, use them in your media kits, put them on business cards and make sure to use them in your sales presentations and/or on the telephone as success stories.

So, how do you get all of those glowing testimonials from satisfied customers? Ask. Get in the habit of asking every single satisfied customer for a testimonial. There are many ways
to do this. Here are a few:

1. Ask your customers to fill out a brief customer satisfaction survey. Leave space for comments at the end. Make sure to also ask at the end of the survey, "May we use your name and comments in our marketing materials?" Have a space for them to check "yes" or "no," along with their signature. Most people are delighted to have you use their comments!

2. If you use public speaking to increase your visibility and generate leads for your business pass out an evaluation form to your audience. Make sure to ask at the end of the evaluation
form, "May we use your name and comments in our marketing materials?" Have a space for them to check "yes" or "no," along with their signature. Again, most people are delighted to have you use their comments!

3. Using the satisfied customer's name greatly increases your credibility. It is far stronger to have an endorsement with a name than without. Use the customer's name and the company name. Make sure to ask permission to use their name first.

4. Ask your customers to write testimonial letters. Say, "I was wondering if you could help me." (People love to help!) "Would you write a testimonial letter for me outlining how happy you are with our product/service?" (Only ask customers that you are sure are happy!)

5. Offer to write it for them, "I know that you are very busy. I'd be more than happy to draft something for you to edit." People do genuinely want to help, and people are also genuinely
very busy. This makes it easy for them to help. 

6. Every time you complete a project and/or a customer says something positive to you about your product/service, say to them, "Would you write that down on your letterhead? It would be
a big help to me, and I would use it to market my product/service."

7. Use your testimonials as success stories when speaking with prospects or even customers. This enables you to tell others what you have accomplished for your customers without appearing to brag. The model of a success story is: Your customer had a problem. You fixed it. They are now very happy. Remember to always tell your success story from the customer or prospect's point of view. That means stick to the benefits that your customers received from your work.

8. And if you occasionally suffer from the "blahs," here's another tip. Post your favorite testimonial letters on a bulletin board or clear wall space near where you work. Put the rest into a three-ring binder. Anytime you start to feel "blah," read through your letters from all of the people saying how much you have helped them. It will perk you right up!

Tis the Season

Guest blog by Wendy Weiss
Author of Cold Calling for Women: Opening Doors and Closing Sales    
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

The holidays loom. Office parties, family celebrations, religious celebrations, celebrations with friends. Meetings are cancelled. Decisions are postponed. Too much to do, no time to do it. The sales process turns to sludge.

The holidays can be a frustrating time for sales professionals. Telephone prospecting calls end with no appointment the prospect instead saying, "call me in the New Year." Proposals languish. Decisions are on hold.

During that time from Thanksgiving through the end of the year, how do you keep from losing your momentum and how do you keep the sales process moving forward? If you are not able to keep the process moving, January can feel almost like starting over. Instead of leaping into the New Year with prospect meetings and starting new customer projects you are busy following up with all of the prospects who said, "call me in the New Year." Here are two steps that you can use to keep your sales process flowing, not only over the holidays, but also year round.

1. When prospecting by telephone for new appointments do not tamely accept the standard response, "call me in the New Year." Instead, suggest to your prospect that you schedule a meeting in the New Year and promise to call to confirm that meeting. (In the "old days" prospects would frequently say they didn't have their New Year calendar. In these days of palm pilots and contact management software that doesn't fly. After all, January is only next month!) At least 50% of your prospects will go ahead and schedule the meeting leaving you with 50% less follow up calls to make in January.

This is what you say:

"Let's pencil in a date and time for January. It's not carved in stone, I'll call you to confirm and if it doesn't work out we can always reschedule. Is early January good or is later in the month better?"

This way you'll have a series of prospect meetings already lined up for January!

2. When a prospect asks you to submit a proposal, then and there set up a meeting time with your prospect to go over that proposal. Ask your prospect when they want the proposal. When they give you a date or time frame say:

"Let's set up a time for me to come by and go over the proposal. Is (fill in date) good or is (fill in date) better?"

It does not matter if your prospect wants to meet in December or in January. The point is that you have kept the process moving forward, you have an appointment to discuss the proposal and you do not have to spend time in January making calls to follow up to schedule the meeting or get a response on that proposal.

And remember, on the appointed day, make sure to bring two copies of the proposal, both signed and ready for your prospect's signature.

Happy prospecting, happy closing, happy holidays!

The Wasted, Unproductive Follow Up Call

Guest blog by Wendy Weiss
Author of Cold Calling for Women: Opening Doors and Closing Sales  
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

I received a telephone call yesterday. It was someone I'd met at a networking group months ago. She reintroduced herself, mentioned the group where we'd met and said she
was calling to follow up. She did not say about what. I asked the question for her, "Why are you calling? What did we discuss?"

She told me that she makes customized covers for laptops. I thought that was nice, but I didn't need one and still didn't understand why she was calling me. She then told me
she makes other types of customized covers too. I said, "Oh."

We had now been on the telephone for a couple of minutes. I still really didn't understand why she was calling me. She seemed to want me to lead-but she was the one who had made
the call! 

I try to be nice, I always talk to people who call me-it's my business. Other people are not always so nice or willing to give time to strangers who call for no apparent reason. 

Finally my caller asked if I was developing products that might need covers. I'm currently developing a new product that will go in a binder. I told her about that. She said they also could do customized packages for products. She continued to point out that the work was customized and I could get "whatever I wanted." Now what I wanted was binders, I could get them in Staples or some internet discount site or from a vendor who specializes in these
types of products, so telling me I could get "what I want" doesn't make a lot of sense.

I asked if she could give me an example. She had no samples to send and no brochure or catalogue with appropriate examples. She had a web site, which only showed laptop
covers. The caller kept reiterating that her creations are "customized" and that I could get "whatever I wanted." She kept reiterating this as if it was important. It wasn't.

She was selling features, "It's customized," rather than benefits, "It will make your product unique and it will make it stand out. It will add value. It will help with your brand and image. You will sell more because of the way it is packaged." These are benefits. What a better outcome to the conversation if she had only mentioned one of them!

Think also what a better outcome if she had suggested, "Let's get together and talk about your product. We could do some brainstorming as to how it might look and what you
want to accomplish with the packaging and I could make some recommendations." I would have gladly met with her. Who knows what might have followed that meeting?

At that point it was time for me to get off of the telephone. I had a coaching client calling in 5 minutes and I needed to get ready. As we ended the phone call she said, "I'm here if you need me." That's nice, but she had never given me a compelling reason to think that I might need her.

I was annoyed. She was probably very frustrated.

So what are the lessons learned?

1. Understand your sales cycle and the goal of your telephone call. This caller had no agenda beyond calling to "follow up." After that, she expected me to lead. 
2. Focus on the benefits not the features! Imagine your prospect thinking to themselves, "Why should I be interested? What will this do for me?" If you want your call to succeed, you must answer those questions.
3. Ask for what you want. (See #1.) Once you know the goal of your phone call, you must ask for what you want.
4. Keep asking for what you want.

The Question: To Confirm or Not to Confirm

Guest blog by Wendy Weiss
Author of Cold Calling for Women: Opening Doors and Closing Sales
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

Do you confirm every prospect appointment before you head out the door?

Or.

Do you not confirm, believing that it gives your prospect an "out?"

Far too many coaching clients, workshop participants and readers have said to me, "If I confirm the appointment it gives them a chance to get out of it." Let's examine this
statement and the beliefs that go with it.

The above statement implies that the scheduled appointment is something that, given a choice, your prospect would avoid. This must mean, therefore, that you tricked or
manipulated your prospect into agreeing to the appointment in the first place. Now on reflection, your prospect could only want to bolt.

If you had to trick your prospect to schedule the meeting, the meeting itself must not have any real value. It logically follows then, that the agenda for the meeting, your products or services, you and your time also have no value!

Well, that's demoralizing!

If, however, you truly believe that your product or service has value, if you have done your homework, targeted your market and are calling on qualified prospects then there is no reason that a prospect should want to avoid meeting with you. It is time to change some of your beliefs about the meeting. If a prospect schedules an appointment with you, that means they are interested in talking about what you have to offer!

And here's another thought: Do you really want to spend your time racing around your territory to meetings with prospects who don't show?

I've had some sales professionals tell me that when a prospect stands them up, they like it, because the prospect then feels guilty and "owes them." These sales professionals believe that their prospects will meet with them because of that sense of guilt. And perhaps some do. 
But barring a last minute emergency that takes a prospect away unexpectedly, someone who stands you up once, will more than likely have no qualms about standing you up again. This "guilt" approach goes hand-in-hand with the belief that prospects must be tricked or manipulated into meetings.

So here's a better approach: Change the way you think about prospect meetings and confirm them! Call your prospect the day before or early the morning of the appointment. Try to
reach the prospect directly. Say:

"I'm calling to confirm our brief meeting tomorrow (or later today) at (fill in the time.)"

(The use of any of the following sentences is optional.) 
"I've put together those samples we discussed."
"I've given a lot of thought to your situation."
"I have some very interesting ideas to share with you."
"I'm looking forward to meeting you."

If your prospect says the agreed upon meeting time no longer works, reschedule immediately! Otherwise, you now know that when you show up tomorrow your prospect will actually be there! (Do make sure that your prospect has your phone number so that they can reach you if something unexpected does happen.)

If you are not able to reach your prospect directly, and if your prospect has a secretary, ask her if she keeps the prospect's calendar. If she does, you can confirm with her. If she does not, deputize her. Give her your name and phone number and say: "I'm calling to confirm my brief meeting tomorrow at (fill in the time) with Ms. Prospect." Ask her to speak with the prospect for you and then call you back to let you know that the meeting is on.

If you are not able to reach a human being leave the following message on your prospect's voice mail:

"Hello, Ms. Prospect. This is (fill in your name) from (fill in your company name.) My phone number is (your phone number goes here.)"

"I'm calling to confirm our brief meeting tomorrow at (fill in the time.)"

(The use of any of the following sentences is optional.) 
"I've put together those samples we discussed."
"I've given a lot of thought to your situation."
"I have some very interesting ideas to share with you."
"I'm looking forward to meeting you."

Please be good enough, to give me a call back and let me know that tomorrow at (fill in the time.) still works for you."

"And again, this is (fill in your name) from (fill in your company name.) My phone number is (your phone number goes here.)"

Most prospects will call you back, either to confirm or to reschedule. 

Over the past years, many, many coaching clients, workshop participants and readers have asked me about differentiating themselves from the competition. This is one way to do it. By confirming your appointments you are setting yourself up to be viewed by your prospects and
customers as an expert and a professional. You are a consultant, like any consultant your time is valuable and your prospects will see that if you conduct yourself in that manner. Far too many sales professionals allow themselves to be treated poorly, feeling perhaps, that it
comes with the territory. It doesn't have to.

Confirming appointments is a far better use of your selling time. A prospect who will not meet with you, is not a qualified prospect! Those prospects who do cancel and are unwilling, for whatever reason, to reschedule are doing you a favor. They are saving you the time and energy you would have spent going to see them, following up with them and then not selling anything!

© 2004 Wendy Weiss

Twisted Thinking

Guest blog by Wendy Weiss
Author of Cold Calling for Women: Opening Doors and Closing Sales
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

One of my new favorite books to recommend to coaching clients is "The Feeling Good Handbook" by David D. Burns, M.D. This is a book about depression. The subtitle reads: "Overcome depression, conquer anxiety, enjoy greater intimacy."

So why am I recommending a book about depression to my clients? This book is about a type of treatment called cognitive behavioral therapy. The word "cognition" means "thought" and this book is a common sense look at changing the way people think and thus changing their behavior.

In "The Feeling Good Handbook" Dr. Burns lists "The Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking" that occur when people are depressed. These ten forms also exist when people are not depressed and they exist within many, many sales professionals, entrepreneurs and business owners. If you use any of these twisted forms (and most of us do in one way or another) it will negatively impact your sales. I am listing all 10 so that you can judge for yourself. The following list of "Twisted Thinking" is paraphrased from "The Feeling Good Handbook" by David D. Burns, M.D.

1. All-or-nothing thinking

Everything is black or white. If a situation falls short of perfect, then it's a total failure. An example of all-or-nothing thinking is dieters who have one cookie and then proceed to eat the entire bag since they've already blown their diet. Another example would be sales people who because they do not have the time to make 100 calls in a day make no calls.

2. Overgeneralization

Seeing a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat. People who over generalize use words such as "always" or "never." "Cold calling never works for me." "Prospects always reject me."

3. Mental filter

Picking out a single negative detail and dwelling on it to the exclusion of everything else. An example: You receive many compliments from your associates about your presentation. If, 
however, you receive even one mildly critical comment you obsess about it and forget about all of the positive comments.

4. Discounting the positive

You reject positive experiences by insisting they "don't count." If you do a good job, you may tell yourself that it wasn't good enough or that anyone could have done as well.

5. Jumping to conclusions

You interpret things negatively when there are no facts to support your conclusion. There are two categories here: **Mind reading: You arbitrarily conclude that someone is
reacting negatively to you with no evidence to back that up. You arbitrarily conclude that a prospect does not want to speak with you with no evidence to back that up.**Fortune telling: You predict that things will turn out badly. Before a prospecting call you tell yourself, "They're not interested." "I'm bothering them." "They'll probably say 'no.'"

6. Magnification

You exaggerate the importance of your (or your company or product or service) problems and shortcomings. You also minimize the importance of your (or your company or product or service) desirable qualities.

7. Emotional reasoning

You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are. "I am uncomfortable making cold calls" therefore "People do not like cold calls" therefore "Cold
calling does not work."

8. "Should" statements

You tell yourself that things should be the way you hoped or wanted them to be. "I should have made that sale." "Musts," "ought's" and "have to's" are similar offenders. Should
statements that are directed against yourself lead to guilt and frustration. Should statements that are directed against other people also lead to anger and frustration. "My prospect
should call me back."

9. Labeling

Labeling is an extreme form of all-or-nothing thinking. You attach a negative label to yourself or to others. Example: You make a mistake and then say to yourself, "I'm a loser." 
Labeling is quite irrational because you are not the same as what you do. These labels lead to anger, anxiety, frustration, and low self-esteem.

You may also label others. When a prospect does not respond as you had hoped you may tell yourself, "He's a jerk." Then you feel that the problem is with that person's character instead of with their thinking or behavior. This makes you feel hostile and leaves little room for constructive communication.

10. Personalization and blame

You hold yourself personally responsible for an event that isn't entirely under your control. An appointment with a new prospect is cancelled because that prospect has left the
company. You think, "If only I was better at prospecting, this wouldn't happen."

Some people do the opposite. They blame other people or their circumstances for their problems and they overlook ways that they might be contributing to the problem. Blame doesn't usually work very well.

© 2006 Wendy Weiss